I Have Lost My Sense Of Direction After Facing So Many Failures In My Life

Anonymous Anonymous in Let's Face It on 22 May, 2017

I have a good husband and all the comforts of life yet there is something missing in my life. I feel as if I am stranded in the middle of nowhere.

I feel there is no happiness in my life. I wonder if I can buy some happiness from somewhere. I am willing to pay any price for it.

My life has come to a standstill. My life today is no better than it was a year ago. I wonder if it will be any better in the future too.

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Right now there is no sense of direction in my life so I feel I am going nowhere.

Perhaps that is a very pessimistic attitude to have when we are starting afresh in life. But my life has become a never-ending saga of hopelessness. All my efforts have proved to be futile. They simply go down the drain.

I seem to be living in an emotional void right now.

I thought of committing suicide but I realized that I was too chicken-hearted for that. I just can’t take my life. Why has the life expectancy of human beings increased so much? I would have died a natural death by now if it had been shorter.

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My failures have left me in total despair. I feel as if I am living in a dungeon of hopelessness through which no light can ever pass.

I have given up trying to make any changes in my life. I am just flowing with the flow of my life. I have even stopped dreaming of a better tomorrow.

I have always given my 100% to all the things that I have done. But I have only experienced failure in the last few years. I feel that either I have run out of luck or I am destined to be a failure. So I have no more plans, programmes or goals in life now.

I was a happy go lucky person in the past. I never cared much about life. In fact, I never bothered to discuss the philosophy of life with anyone. But now it seems to be a part of my daily life. I have forgotten to laugh heartily. I want to laugh my heart out but invariably I only find tears rolling down my cheeks.

I then feel bad for trying to laugh when I feel like crying. Where is my happiness? How can I get it back in my life?
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I started reading blogs, write-ups, books etc. I even talked to a few friends about finding a purpose in my life. I knew this would make me happy again. I miss my smile and the sound of my laughter. I have lost the lighter side of my personality while I was busy living my life.

I put in so much effort. But I couldn’t prove my worth to myself or to the world at large. 

I saw my peers, my juniors and my friends. Everyone had become someone in life. I knew they had their own set of problems and they were not completely happy either but at least they had reached somewhere in their lives. They had a role to play in their lives.  This motivated them to get out of bed every morning because they had something to do. I try to keep myself busy. I read, exercise etc.

But I know I am busy doing nothing.

At the end of the day, I am drowning in a sea of loneliness and depression.  I play candy crush to keep my mind occupied. But lately even that seems drab. I started drinking and smoking to kill all these feelings. But I realized that there is a limit to that too.

I need something to revive my soul again. I want to feel alive again.
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I want to see that silver lining at the end of the depressive tunnel – the light that people always talk about. I wonder if anything like that exists. Perhaps only a few privileged mortals experience such things. Pessimism has become my second name. I wonder if I am that same girl who was always laughing and living her life with enthusiasm.

Where is she now? How did she get lost? Why didn’t I realize that she had left my soul?

I am sure I left my happiness with you before I boarded that flight and returned home. It was a 22-hour long flight and all I could taste through it was my tears. I was filled with hopelessness. I still wish I could go back to the moment when we last hugged each other.

I wish I could freeze that moment in time forever.  Why can’t time just take me back there?

I lost two things that day – my dream and you. Only after I left you did I realize that the journey ahead would be an extremely painful one. I had a terrible job there. My life there was bad. But I had you and so I thought I was in the land of dreams.

I just had to hold your hand and hug you when I couldn’t sleep at night. I enjoyed the homemade meals that you made just for me.
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I think the last time I laughed my heart out was when you cracked all those silly jokes of yours. I felt loved when you held me in your arms. I felt so alive then.

Life is a tricky affair. Why does it torture us so much after blessing us with such wonderful experiences?

The last few years have proved to be the worst. I lost my identity. My shattered dreams have ruined the beauty of my psyche. And now whenever I look into the mirror, I can’t even recognize myself. My eyes are sad and they reflect the endless lonely feelings of my heart.

It’s as if the screams and the dreams of my heart have disappeared into a void. Only broken dreams are left behind now.  I don’t know how to live. At times, I wonder if I am alive. I had dreamt of living there with you. I just don’t know how to live with my broken dreams and shattered heart.

What kind of goal should I pick up on next? Should I really pick up on a goal? Why should I work my way diligently towards that goal when I know that I will have to see it fade away into oblivion in the future?

How many times should I sacrifice all that I have? Why do I never get what I want despite making all those sacrifices?

I’m not complaining about my life being tough. I am just complaining about the futility of my efforts. People say, “Mann ka ho to accha, na ho to aur bhi achha!”(If something you wish for happens – it’s good. But if it doesn’t – it’s for the better!) I never got anything better in my life. So I wonder if I will really get a better deal even in the future.

Why do I have to go through so many frustrating struggles in my life? How many failures can a person endure? Why does nothing work out in my favour even after so many attempts? Each failure of mine broke me a little bit. All those failures had a kind of domino effect on my confidence, my mind and my heart.

I am broken beyond repair after going through all these setbacks in life. I no longer love my husband. I just live with him now. I have not yet got over that hug. I left behind all my dreams when I was with you. Only two of my dreams have been fleetingly fulfilled in my life.

It was only at that time that I experienced something called happiness.

But that too is a part of my past now. So I continue to live like a dead person. I will continue to breathe and live a lifeless life.

Editor's Note:

Dreams come. Dreams go. Love flits into our lives and will flit right back out of it too. Some bonds are forever. Others add a touch of beauty to our lives and fade into “oblivion”. That’s life and it’s tough – for - all – of - us. Let’s share this story because when we snap out of our failures and get a grip on our lives we will s-u-r-e-l-y find some meaning and purpose in our lives. Happiness will then slowly flow in on its own.