I am very confused about what is going on with my life. I have several questions for myself. Am I in the right direction? The girl I love, does she value me? Where do I stand in her life?
Everything started last year in October. My best friend and I, both used to spend a hell lot of time together, have lots of fun and chats all day long. She used to come to my flat, and at night we both used to watch movies and do all rubbish kiddish things. We both never had any other thoughts for each other.
We spent several nights together, but there was only pure friendship. And then one night. everything changed for good or bad, I don't know.
While speaking with each other at night, we felt weak, and I asked her if I could kiss her, and we started kissing. Our other friends were also there sleeping next to us, so we also went to sleep in some time.
The next day both of us felt very good about it and liked whatever happened. Next night again, she came over, and we had an intimate moment. Something we never thought happen between us. We both made love. Though she was my best friend, I knew she isn't someone you can be in a relationship with. She cares only about her feelings and her mood. The other person doesn't have any role to play in a relationship with her. So before we had it all, I told her, please let it be casual. If not, we will lose our friendship as well. She agreed. Few days went well but then she said, she had fallen for me. And I told her this would ruin everything, and I didn't want to be in a relationship with her (because I felt she could never be a supportive, loving partner and I will lose my best friend also in the process). She was sad.
For a few days, she cried and begged like anything telling me how she loved me and wanted me. I felt bad. I could never see her cry. I tried to overlook the negative side and tried my best to love her back. Slowly and steadily, I developed feelings for her. Everything was good.
After two months, our college got over, and we went home for a month. After going back home, it was just two weeks, and her behavior changed. She said that she didn't want to be with me because she felt like I didn't love her, and it was not necessary to be intimate in a relationship so we could stay as friends. I felt bad because I had started loving her. And then again we came back, we met, and after a few days, she felt that I loved her, everything was normal again. Then slowly, my fears started coming true.
Every day we had fights. If I didn't wish her good morning, it led to a fight. In between office, if I had to cut her call, it led to a fight. Still, I tried my best to make her understand, and things were okay for a while. And due to this lockdown again, we were back at home, and it's almost one and a half.
She doesn't like texting too much; she doesn't call me. If I am expressing my feelings or saying anything like "I miss you"; I love you. She never responds. It's just that a love emoji comes back in return. I draw cute things for her and send her. She doesn't reply to that. When I ask her why she's behaving like this. "Don't you love me?" Her answer is yes, but I can't show it by telling you I love you. I don't disturb her all day long. I just want her to speak with me at least 10 minutes a day - that will make me happy. We had a fight related to this. I told her I feel she didn't love me. Her reply was; "Does it mean I care for you only if I'm saying I love you or texting you? If you can't find what you want with me, you can look for anyone else." Then I say sorry because I don't want to lose her.
The reason for not texting is she says that her phone doesn't work but when we have any fight, and she wants to put up her points, her phone works well. She can type everything.
When I speak about how much I am missing her, or how I want to be close to her. Her reply is "when we will meet, we will discuss, we will talk and all." I can't sense any love or care from her side. I don't know what she wants.
If she doesn't love me, she can say that to me. I love her. I won't force her to be with me. I want equal love and affection.
I can do all that she wants. In return, I just want basic care and love. Nothing else. She says "I won't restrict you. You can look for someone good if you feel so." This obviously makes me feel that she doesn't love me.
Once I broke my heart, a long time ago. This is my second relationship in life. I can't get cheated on or heartbroken once again. I can't afford it.