When someone asks about my childhood, this is the only thing that comes to my mind.

I was 5 years old when the first incident happened to me. I remember those days when my cousin (who was 16 years old) used to put something in my mouth every evening. I didn't know what it was and why he was doing it, but I felt so disgusted.

I told him not to do that but he brushed it off like it was okay. But then one day, when I mustered up enough courage to tell this to my father, he slapped me and said that he didn’t believe me.

He trusted my cousin because he cried a lot in front of my dad and told him that he did nothing like that.

Then one of my neighbours (a 15-year-old) used to come to our place to play with me and my brother (he was 4 years old). One day, he also did the same but I wasn’t brave enough to tell anyone about it after the last incident.

During summer vacations, we used to go our Nani's place, and all the children used to play together. Suddenly, I found that I and my other cousin, who was ten, were the only ones left on the terrace.

It was then that he came closer to me and started touching my genitals. I was hardly 8 years old at that time.

I was not able to understand anything’ all I knew was that I pushed him and ran away as I was not feeling okay with all that. My favourite mama used to come to our place. I was too attached to him and like my other siblings. One day, we all were sleeping together (me, mama, my brother and sister) and in the middle of the night, I felt something on my chest (I was 13 at that time).

To my horror, I realized that my mama was trying to touching my breast. I was shocked and wanted to change my place immediately. But since there was no other place to go, I decided to change my position and shifted my head to the foot side. But then, after some time, he started touching my vagina.

I went into a mental numbness at that time, wondering how could he do it to someone like his daughter.

I cried all night and before going to school the next day, I just informed my mom and left. When I was back that day, mama was gone.

After that, two more cousins of mine tried to molest me, scarring my life. But I was too afraid to speak up. And then, there was one incident on a train when I was going to my college, and this guy was trying to touch my boobs.

All these incidents affected me like crazy. Today, I am introverted, I cannot trust anybody. I have no friends at my college because I didn't spend my time with them. I cannot stay idle without any kind of work.

I have developed a mentality that spending time with someone meant giving him a chance to exploit me.

My family understands me better now and my dad regrets slapping me, but I lost all my faith and trust in him. Their change doesn't matter to me at all because they couldn’t be there for me when I suffered from all that trauma.

Today, wherever I stand, with no friends, low self-esteem, anxiety, it was because of all those incidents. To this day, I am haunted by them. I am now a girl who doesn't talk to anyone without any need, and people assume that I have a lot of attitude.

Now I think if this attitude can save me with all that suffering, I will wear it like a crown.

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