In the society we live in, we have been taught certain things. Parents can do no wrong to kids. Everything they do is for the kids' well being.

But that's not always the case. There are some of us who are not that lucky. There are parents that use the kids as pawns to get what they want, who expect us to give up our peace, identity, and self-respect and live life like they tell us to and make their happiness a priority. Absolute obedience!

You may ask: what's wrong with being obedient to your parents? My answer to that is that it's wrong when they ask us to do something because of their selfishness and not for the family's wellbeing. It's wrong when they shatter your happiness if you don't listen to them and put you down in front of your siblings and make an example out of you to show them what will happen if they didn't listen.

I come from one such family and my crime was that I dared to ask questions.

From as long as I can remember, my parents have been quarreling. My mom is someone who likes to make me and my sister compete for her affection. She believes in a world where she makes all the decisions and everybody complies without asking questions, be it right or wrong. Sadly, my mom always embarrassed us in front of our relatives and cousins. Summer vacations with relatives were a nightmare.

My dad is no saint. Through all these years of abuse, he has not once stood up for us. He was scared that if he ever did stand up, the abuse would turn towards him, not that he was spared. Sometimes I empathized with him because he has been going through this too. I thought if I supported him, he would stand up for us and protect us. But it just went on and tore everything apart.

Whenever my parents fought, my sister and I were forced to take sides. I took my dad's side and that did not end well for me. My mom wanted me and my sister to join in on the abuse. I decided not to but my sister joined her. The result: the abuse turned on to me. My father who couldn't stand up for himself joined them to save himself.

He always said and I quote, "If one person adjusts, everything will be fine." He decided that one was always going to be me. I remember my first beating. My mother kept telling my father, if he was a good father, he would hit me and correct my mistakes. Unsurprisingly, my dad did and my mother was at peace that day for the next two days.

My sister and I did not have a good relationship to start with. We never shared a relationship my friends shared with their siblings. Yes, every relationship is different but we did not connect on anything. And my mother making us compete for her affection did not help. I have memories of my mother insulting and emotionally abusing my sister in front of our cousins and relatives. That was a time I was considered to be the favourite child and I am guilty of enjoying it every bit. For a long time, I was actually under the impression that my mother loved us. I am also to blame partly for the animosity between me and my sister. I never really did much to comfort her during that phase.

On the other hand, every time I cried, my sister laughed, bullied me and insulted my friends who came home. I was asked to stop being friends with two people because she did not like them. I was not happy but I gave up talking to them because I misguidedly thought it would make her happy and bring us closer. When I started seeing what was going on in our house and how my friends and their siblings were close, I tried to bond with her again but that never took a positive turn. Either my sister did not want to or my mother being insecure never let us bond and my sister knew better than to challenge her. She was finally being shown care and did not want to lose it.

Even though it makes me angry from time to time, I understand where it's coming from. Much of my teenage and adolescent memories are of me crying. I still thought somewhere deep down, my parents loved me. Every day I would think "today is the day, my dad is going to say enough is enough and take a stand for the family."

My mom now hates me. She doesn't spare any opportunity to make me cry or cause problems in my life. There were times when I thought I was the one who was wrong. Maybe this is how parents are and I am the one with unrealistic expectations such as love from parents.

My mom always told me and my dad echoed her thoughts that I was the problem, I was the unlucky child, that I amd better off dead and I am a waste to everybody's time.

Now, I have been married for six years and I would say this is the best phase so far. My husband's parents and extended family love their children the way I always yearned for my parents to love me. The way I want to love my children. Of course, they have fights but the difference is in how they deal with it. It's never about the ego, proving who is right and who is wrong. It's always about "Sorry I hurt you, let's have a conversation, how do I fix it?" They respect everyone, be it a newborn or a 90-year-old woman. Most importantly, they never give up on their kids. Come hail or storm, they are always there for them!

During the initial years of my marriage, I struggled to put up a front that all was well between me, my parents and my sister in front of my in-laws despite being put in difficult and awkward situations. I defended them as I was still in denial of the fact that they did not love me. I still thought they would not stoop so low to ruin my marriage by telling my husband not to trust me. My sister started being rude to my in-laws and my husband. She didn't even let my parents help me in moving when my husband got into an accident and did not show an ounce of empathy. That was the final nail in the coffin.

Love cannot be forced. I gave up and realized by holding onto something that I was never going to have I made myself and everyone around me miserable. I have to have some self-respect, think about my new family and friends being affected by the toxic relationships I was holding onto.

I didn't have a choice before other than to cry and go to bed when my parents kept reminding me I was nothing and everything I did was not enough. But now I have a place I can truly call my home, a job I am good at and people who I can invite home. I learned to love myself, to have more respect for myself and others and decided to give people a chance before hiding out of insecurity.

Every now and then I still wish my parents loved me and my sister the same but my recovery is quicker than before. I look at all the blessings I have around me and realize it could have been worse if I was stuck with my parents or if I was married to the wrong person. Even after everything my sister has done, I still feel bad and pray for her and my nieces because I know what she has is not real.

No kids should have to grow up in the environment we grew up in, be made to choose between two parents and no siblings should be pitted against each other. My sister was just a teenager whose anger was taken advantage of, misguided and enabled by my parents. We were just kids who were used as pawns.

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