Relationships Rape Dear Ex Boyfriend abusive boyfriend

You Chose Me Even After I Was Raped, But I Won't Thank You For It

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

Dear You,

What an incredible journey it has been. We have spent 3 years of bliss.

I sometimes blame myself for all the right things that went wrong. I suppose it was my mistake that I had made you my top priority.

I suppose I was expecting too much when I just wanted to hear your voice when I missed you.

I was a drama queen because I cried when you hurt me.

I did not know that in today’s world I should never dare to voice my opinions. All I had to do was just obey your orders. I did not know that I was making such a big mistake by simply speaking up. I never knew that women just had to keep quiet all the time.  Shh!! I realized that the world hasn’t actually changed all that much.

I am in love with you. Yes. I still am because I never learnt to let go of you. I am scared to do so. I am also scared that I can never be good enough for you. You can blame my insecurity for this.

I was raped. You knew about it and still chose to stay with me. I guess I should feel I am lucky. Right? But what should I do when you pinpoint this when we fight? Do you care that it hurts when you say you adjusted and were willing to stay with me even though you knew I was raped? I suppose I should be grateful for the sacrifice that you made to be with me. It is an incident that I want to forget. I no longer want anything to do with this particular incident. But you never let me forget it.

Now I have my own dreams. I want to travel once or twice in a year. But I have to face questions like, “What travelling? How can a woman travel by herself? How can you have such dreams? What kind of a Sanskaari woman are you?”

I suppose you don’t understand that all of us are unique individuals.

Then you have another valid reason – I am fat. So it is too insulting to be seen with me even when there is a medical reason for it. Your stance is, "I don't care what your reasons are. You are fat. How can I introduce you to people?" I guess I am the luckiest person around to get someone like you in my life.

You broke up with me ‘n' number of times. Of course, I made mistakes too. I am not perfect. But you wouldn’t communicate with me. I had to beg you to take me back. I knew you would obviously do so because you loved me. You love me too much (I know you still do). But you had too many expectations of me. My behaviour and my actions were not on your checklist. So we fought all the more.

You did keep me happy. You did make me laugh. But you also ensured that I died a little bit every day.

I am sorry baby. I am sorry I don’t listen to you. Even when you know what is best for me, I always want something which I feel is right. I am sorry I am fat but my stomach won’t listen to me. I am sorry I cannot keep quiet when I get blamed for nothing.

I am sorry I have a spine so I can’t bend according to your will. I am sorry that you expect me to nod my head to everything that you say because I do have my own brains. I am sorry I am not like your sister to adjust to everything. My happiness does mean something to me. I am sorry my dad spoke wrongly about you and your family – but then you and your mom did the same thing too.

I am not going to keep quiet when you verbally abuse my family and me every day. There is a difference between insulting a person and calling people names and I hope you understand that.

I am sorry that I say things on your face. I am sorry I don’t sugarcoat things.

I am sorry if you expect respect even when you and your family do something wrong. I am sorry I shout when such things happen because no matter what the age of a person is – wrong is wrong!

I am sorry I am NOT fake.

I am sorry I have been a ‘happy go lucky’ girl. I am sorry I cannot be a robot who has no emotion because that is not ME.

I am sorry but I am not a b***h. I was raped but I did not sleep around.

You were the guy that I loved from the bottom of my heart and became intimate with. You were the first one for me.

I am OK with sacrificing and adjusting as long as it makes me happy. But I am not happy with you and your family because no matter what and how much I talk, change or react or act – IT IS NOT ENOUGH TO PLEASE YOU. I am not another checklist for you.

When you expect respect - show some first.

I was OK with it. I was OK with the insult. I was OK with the abuse. I was OK with the name calling because one day I hoped it would all change. I hoped that one day we would go back to the old ‘us.’ It was a happy memory that I was holding on to. But it just faded away. The hope that I had about you faded away. Things went from bad to worse between us. The tears and the pain made me suicidal. You gave me nightmares. You have now broken me and left me depressed.

You have made me the robot that you had always wanted me to become.

You have made me incapable of being with any other guy. I constantly think about you and compare you with everyone else. You have made all my insecurity come true. I am done. I have given up on all the hope that I had.

You will always hold a place in my heart. The love that I have for you will always be there. I will still care. But now everything will be from a distance.

You don’t deserve me. Neither does your family. I know I can’t move on. I know I won’t be happy without you. But I am not happy being with you either.

You have made my life hell. I don’t have any more hope, belief, trust or love left to give you right now. You made me realize that all guys are the same. If at all I do end up getting married in the future, YOU and your actions are the examples of what I don't want in my husband. But trust me, YOU will miss me one day and I won't be there next to you.



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