I turned 30 last year. I was still pursuing PhD and was having great pressure from both the families to have a baby. Thanks to God my husband was very supportive and understood the priorities. At the same time, we understood the bell of the biological clock. So I finished my thesis and submitted it in March 2016 and finally, was waiting for the final viva call. We both were thinking to end one chapter and then to begin another so that I need not take pressure in my most crucial time.
I just wanted to enjoy my pregnancy like any other woman.
We, women, get really emotional as well as protective for a new life, we feel so committed even before the child is born. But things didn’t turn out as we planned or should I say God’s plan was different than mine. I waited to plan a baby for around six months but my viva date didn't come. As we were getting aged (as per everyone else), we thought let us just begin as it may take time.
We were back from our happy vacation and my PhD guide called me to finalize the date for the final viva.
It’s a big news for any PhD scholar. He finalized the date for next month. I came back home and started preparing for my big day. And simultaneously, I started feeling some symptom of pregnancy. I didn't know whether I should be happy, scared or what since my viva required me to travel long distance.
I was trying to be calm and keep preparing for my viva.
But somehow those thoughts kept coming back. I knew I couldn’t cancel the viva because it would mean I can’t take it for another one year but travelling during my early stage of pregnancy was equally scaring me. My guide was really fussy throughout my PhD. I didn't want to give him any other chance to torture me for the research paper and other blah blah stuff.
And finally, I checked two days before my periods due date and yes, I was pregnant.
Of course, my husband and I were very happy and scared at the same time. So we decided to visit the doctor immediately to share our concerned. The first doctor I visited told me that I could travel without hesitation but I found a little spotting and my heart was almost out from my body out of fear. We decided to meet another doctor and she asked for an HCG test which turned out to be on the lower side.
And then, my emotional battle began. I had no clue what was happening and my doctor gave me quite a scary picture of ectopic pregnancy.
All these terms were so new for the first time pregnant and I didn't understand if I should research over pregnancy terms or work that I needed to present in front of the panel after a few days. The doctor suggested another test after 48 hours to see whether it was increasing at a normal rate or not. Every day was difficult, the happiness was vanishing and doubts about everything were taking over. After the next test, we took a long breath and thankfully, it turned out to be normal. At every visit to the doctor, I wished to hear something good about my pregnancy, but it never happened and every time, it was a cloudy picture.
Finally, after a scan, my doctor said that I could travel as it was only five and a half month of my pregnancy.
Travelling was never scarier than this. My husband supported and took care of me so well though, I was actually enjoying all the pampering by him and my family. It's a great feeling to feel pregnant, all of sudden you become very careful and a responsible person. You want to do your best to keep yourself and your baby healthy.
Somehow, I was done with viva and thanks to God, it was approved. We came back but I was still very worried about the new life growing inside me. I was still reading symptoms of healthy pregnancy, what to eat and what not, and all other things any women try to search and research. It was time for another scan and the doctor appointment was scheduled for 8th weeks. But we were so worried that we decided to go a little early. It was just my 7th week when we went for the scan and the doctor didn't look so confident while doing it. She asked various questions such as if I had any bleedings, etc.
I was getting anxious every second that why he wasn’t showing us the heartbeat. And then, he finally dropped the bomb. He said to my husband that he was not able to find the heartbeat. There has been no growth after 6.5 weeks. He referred to us to a gynaecologist and she also said the same. My heart was sinking and tears started to roll out.
She was mentioning different ways for abortion. I could not hear anything, I just kept crying. I cried for days.
I felt guilty like hell; it has been a few months now and I still feel guilty. I wish I hadn't travelled. My doctor tried to console me many times that no growth of the baby has nothing to do with my travelling but I can’t seem to get rid of the guilt feeling. Every day, I ask this question to myself, “Why did everything have to happen together? Why didn’t viva date come earlier while I was waiting for so long?”
In miscarriage, women suffer physically for days, but emotionally women suffer for months. Maybe it was my mistake only, but I had no choice except trusting what the doctor had suggested.
I am trying hard not to lose myself in depression, believe me, it is not easy.
My husband and I live far away from our families, and sometimes husbands are really busy with work, though he did his best, the final battle was mine. I am still fighting it all alone. So if you know who is going through such similar phases, please support her.
Just listen to her, let her talk her heart out, she will feel better, and it will cost you nothing.