This horrific incident brought me and my hubby closer and increased the respect, love and value for each other; over 10 times. He stood with me even at 3 am in the morning in times of need. If he heard me moving, he'd rush to me asking if I'm okay and just to tell me that he's there to listen if I wanted to talk.
Sometimes, that's all you need — a good listener in your life to keep you sane.
Fortunately, both of us are blessed with extremely loving parents, siblings, cousins and friends to help us cope up with this horrible loss and move on. But I don't think moving on was ever really possible.
When I think of the time I was single, I was always told by my friends/cousins of my age that I was NOT being ambitious and that I had been living a privileged life. First, like a princess at my dad's house and now like a queen in my husband's house. According to them, I chose to be married off early at 23 and I had no exposure to the professional aspect of life nor did I ever face any struggle or hardships in life.
There were also a few women who were glad about what I went through, I could sense their happiness clearly. As if finally something bad was happening to my perfectly smooth fairytale kind of life. I realized then that sometimes you have to keep your good life to yourself as not everyone is genuinely happy for you.
I was looked at with pity eyes for a long time everywhere I went, people expressed sympathy the minute they met me. On the other hand, maybe not directly on my face but I did overhear things like — "She did not take adequate care", "She travelled abroad in her earlier months" and that "She easily gave in to pregnancy cravings" — that caused the high B.P. complication. I also heard that since I posted my baby bump pictures/baby shower pictures on Facebook too much, they attracted the evil eye and that's why this happened.
It was a shame that such women who are mothers themselves acted sweet and showed fake concern on my face but behind my back, found sadistic pleasure in playing a blame game. They made our devastating life changing situation a topic of gossip for themselves. This is how I realised that looks are indeed deceptive.
Initially I got depressed, I genuinely started to believe that it was entirely my fault. I blamed myself, started being really hard on myself, gave up eating out completely. I did not touch any junk, processed food nor had any sweets, ice cream/cake for about three months. But after a few months, with time and support, it were those genuine people who truly love me — my parents, husband, in-laws, sisters and close friends who made me realize "God works in mysterious ways”.
They made me believe that it was not my fault and instead of punishing myself like this, I had to be stronger and prove it to those, who behind closed doors blamed me, that I am capable of making any sacrifice and I will give birth to a healthy baby soon, again.
I was motivated due to these lovely people in my life and I took charge of my health and body. I had gained a lot of pregnancy weight. I decided to work on it with extreme discipline and dedication, due to which I lost over 19 kgs within 6 months. I was 79.5 kgs when I had made a firm decision to touch 55 kgs.
I now lead a very healthy lifestyle. So, with all the excess weight gone from the body, I gradually lost the excess weight and stress from the head. I started falling in love with myself and took care of my body very well, kept a close watch on what I was putting in it.
I stay dedicated to my gym sessions and try to keep myself occupied all day.
Till date, I don't know what caused the unfortunate complication but I am certain it was something I could not control. My gynaecologist had also mentioned once that 30% women face complications in the first pregnancy no matter how much care they take and that I was definitely not at fault. My husband and I were probably destined to come out stronger and better after such an incident.
I read somewhere once that there's a very good chance that the gestational hyper tension complication might not occur in second pregnancy if I exercise regularly and limit my salt intake for a whole year before conceiving again. I am doing just that.
Today, looking back, I can only be grateful for my rebirth as it was a touch and go situation. I escaped death by minutes this time and it hurts like hell but nothing can replace my angel baby who is at peace now. I do hope to meet him some day in heaven.