Life was simple. I had things planned, studies, career, I even fit into my mother's definition of good character. She always said, "A man should always be expected to have a good character just as women are." What she actually meant, don't be a man-s***.

I studied in an all boys school so had very little interaction with the opposite sex and whatever I had, I ensured that I did not turn into a skirt chaser. I believe I am fairly 'good looking' so female attention was never a problem but I actually looked for a meaningful relationship and not hook ups.

Studies and career took too much of my time so eventually I ended up not having any relationship till I met her.

She was in the same team with me at my work place, was a new hire but confident and charming and very good at her work too. I liked her and had developed feelings for her during our bonding as friends, but I was afraid, couldn't profess my feelings for her. I was convinced that I couldn't have a relationship with her, that I was too old for it and arranged marriage would be my last resort. Besides, how could she be single? Beautiful, smart, confident. She had everything going for her, she'd probably have men dying for her attention. I had no hope so I kept my feelings with myself.

Fortunately for me, a common friend understood my feelings from the way I looked at her and coaxed me to say something to her. I mustered enough strength and asked her out. She agreed and suddenly I felt like I had achieved everything in my life, I felt too happy to hear the 'Yes'. 

Next day we met at a coffee shop and what I had no idea what was in store for me that day. She told me that she was a divorcee and this job was a fresh start to her life, I was flabbergasted to see her strength.

The way she conducted herself at work, her attitude and everything, I was literally in awe of her personality. We were of different religions too and I said, "I was surprised when you said yes to me" and so amicably it was decided that we will take things slowly. I was already head over heels for her and I guess she liked me just as much.

We just couldn't stay away from each other, always together at work or connected on call. Even though we had decided to keep things a secret at work till we were absolutely sure, everyone could see what was going on.

We were inseparable, and as I got to know more of this amazing woman everyday, I began to admire her more and just couldn't stop myself from falling in love. I began to plan ways to profess my love to her and was just looking for the right time.

As luck would have it, a process change was on the cards at work and because of a little bit of my mistake, we were assigned separate projects. I suddenly felt so alone and incompetent but at the same time I thought, this would be a good way to know if I actually loved her or was just overwhelmed with my first proper relationship.

In just one day, I realised, I couldn't live without her, I missed her badly and I wanted her back in my life. Unfortunately, she told me that her mother got to know about us and she disapproved of the relationship. A divorce and immediately a boyfriend of a different religion would be scandalous for her family, her mother said.

I understood her mother's fears but she was confident that this time around, only the person she chose could be in her life and I trusted her. Things got a little difficult after that, her mother started her supervision but she was adamant and we continued our meetings and calls but less frequently.

My month of fasting arrived soon after, compounded with the time difference of our office hours and her mother's supervision, for a few weeks we had less contact as compared to before.

One day suddenly, she declared on call that she could not continue the relationship as she felt her mother was right, that the religious difference was the problem. I was left stunned, I couldn't say anything, she disconnected the call and I felt numb.

For a few hours I just couldn't understand anything, was too overwhelmed with what I don't know. Stomach pain, weak legs, breathlessness and what not hit me at the same time. I was on my way home when she told me this. So I just sat at whatever place I saw first and tried to process all this in my head.

I could feel nothing. I called back and just bursted out with anger, crying, and asking why now? Suddenly what changed, pleaded her to say that she was just messing with me. I knew her, she had decided. I finally asked her to not call me ever again, if she really meant what she said.

I don't know if it was pride or I was trying to blackmail her because I thought she couldn't live without me like I can't live without her. Next day she called, she said "Hello" and she started crying, I couldn't hear her sob and promised her that I won't stop communicating if she stopped crying. I also said I couldn't change my feelings for her.

The coming days were no different than before as if nothing had happened. She just began sharing her problems more and more, why she got divorced, what had happened and everything. She was even more forthcoming now, only that we had stopped meeting outside workplace. Suddenly I knew everyone in her family without actually seeing them. She also started calling me whenever she was upset and crying, I was her only source of solace as she said.

I saw this weaker side of her that I had never seen before, and so I did all that I could to cheer her up. I could see the damage her ex had caused and we both spoke out loud many times, 'if only we had met before she got married'. I also encouraged her to make new friends in her project. Her divorce meant she had to dodge her old friends as she didn't want to explain the broken marriage.

I suddenly felt like she trusted me on a whole new level and sooner or later she would come herself professing her love to me. I began to wait for that day and constantly reminded her how much I loved her in ways, without actually saying it. She understood and mostly silence followed. I am a patient person so I just waited.

One fine day, she told me, a guy at her new project asked her out around the puja time and she said yes. I thought she was just testing me, I tried to be calm and asked her for details, she hardly said anything, just explained to me why she had to reluctantly say yes. Puja was a week after so I tried to stay calm, the frequency of her calls suddenly dropped and I began to panic inside.

Just before the puja holiday, she called me to discuss how she was preparing for the day. The tone of her voice, the excitement, the joy and the expectancy I could feel killed me, she told me how excited she was for him to see her in that ethnic dress. I couldn't answer, I just cried silently.

The fateful day came when they were to go out, she didn't call that morning. I was jittery inside, called her in the afternoon a few times, no answer. I was ignored and I understood, I was out.

The day after, I called her up, tried to calmly say that I will never call her again and that she should not call me either, she agreed. Seeing her indifference, I literally bursted out shouting, hoping to see if I actually enticed any feelings in her but she only said that she had moved on and that I should too.

I felt broken. I had completely made a fool out of myself. I sternly asked her to never call me again when she said that I was her only true friend at the time she needed me the most. I kept crying on my way to work. I had never cried in my whole life for as long I could remember and now suddenly I couldn't stop crying.

As luck would have it, five days after that, a very dear friend of mine died, and the next day, someone from my family died too. That family member stayed in our ancestral place, so everyone left in a hurry, leaving me to look after the house as I was already outside to attend my friend's funeral. I came back home only to see the empty house and the news of tragedy. I tried calling my close friends but no one was picking up, I didn't want to be alone.

Foolishly, I messaged her asking if she could talk to me as I really needed someone to at least just be there, she didn't call. That day was my birthday too. Three days later she called, I apologised for my message and tried to explain. She cut my conversation short and told me that since we were no more friends, I should not share my personal problems with her, I agreed and let her end the conversation.

I realised how pathetic I had sounded, she must have thought I was trying to play the sympathy card. I promised myself, no one ever again. I wish I could be a man-s***, I wish I could also not feel anything like them. It's been 4 years ever since and my upbringing didn't allow me to be a bad guy. 

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