I never allow anyone to come close to me. Only a few special people know the kind of person I am.
When I saw him for the first time I was impressed by his nature. He was giving a presentation and had a bindaas style and personality. He had this ability of commanding respect from the people around him.
I guess that was the best and only thing that I liked about him. I would observe him from a safe distance but would never talk to him. Several years passed in this manner. In the meantime, I fell in love with another person. Unfortunately, I had to break ties with him within a year. But I would always observe the way he interacted with others. I would wonder how he could be so enlightened at such a young age.
I would get distracted whenever he came to our room or whenever he passed by. I knew I was getting dangerously close to him. I also knew that he was not at all bothered about me. But we ended up becoming friends. We kept our friendship a secret. But every time we were alone we would end up fighting like Tom and Jerry and then get back together again. We shared some good times too.
I believed that this relationship was worth exploring.
Slowly I started becoming emotionally close to him. One day I told him how I felt while chatting with him. He just asked me to keep my emotions in check. He then confessed that he was a gigolo.
I was shattered when he said this – not because I came to know that he was a gigolo but because I meant nothing to him.
I now thought I would die of suffocation because my feelings were never really reciprocated by him. So we decided to break up. I didn’t want to see him because I knew I would end up hurting only myself in the long run. So I did my best to divert my mind. But one day, I needed his help. So I messaged him. That was the beginning of our relationship again. I knew he would never accept me because I was not his kind of a girl. But I was happy that he did not mind hanging out with me. This time we took it to the next level. We started going out for trips. I knew I was having a one-sided clandestine affair with him.
When we went on our first trip I said that I would not have sex with him.
I respected the physical aspect of love too much to indulge in an affair of this kind. I had stayed without sex for 26 years because I wanted to have sex only with a person with whom I was emotionally attached. I didn't care if people thought that I was old-fashioned. I just wanted to live by my values.
When we went on our first trip I was surprised when he respected my decision.
We then went on our second and third trip too. And then during one such trip, I let him do it. I still don't know why I did this. I don't regret it but at the same time, I was very hurt too. I was hurt because I knew that he would leave me one day. I wanted to stay in touch with him. I expressed my feelings to him openly. But he only ended up getting irritated when I did this.
Maybe to him, I was just a call girl. I really don't know why he hurt me despite knowing how deeply I cared for him. I did not want him to reciprocate my feelings but at least he could have avoided hurting me. I wondered how a man could be so stone-hearted.
I tried telling him that I knew he had the potential of creating a great future for himself. But it was of no use. Maybe I was not the one for him. That was also okay by me. But at least he could have found someone else to be his partner for life. I still don’t know why he left me hanging in the air like that.
Today I wish that tomorrow never dawns. I am unable to concentrate on anything. Every day I feel scared of losing him. Every night I pray that I never wake up again. Every morning I curse myself for waking up. He could never understand me. He asked me to just concentrate on my life and my family. I tried to do this but ended up distancing himself myself from him.
I have not shared any of this with anyone. I have not penned this down in my diary too. I feel like I am dying every second of the day because I am unable to bear the burden of my feelings. No matter how hard I try I really can't get over this man. I try to do this every day but I just can't. We don't keep in touch too often now. I begin my day every day by looking out for him around the campus. I have also tried counselling, meditation etc. All these things just give me temporary relief but the dead feeling is back after a few days.
I still wonder how long I can live like this. I haven't gone home in months. I don't have the guts to face my parents or consider the proposals that they are bringing to me. I am now scared of myself. All these inner fights tire me. I wish life was simple.