I'm Not Being Difficult, I'm Suffering From Anxiety: I Need You

Arunima Kakati Arunima Kakati in Your Story on 24 December, 2016

Someone who has always been shy, will remain so. Every little thing seems like a mountain that needs to be climbed.

I did not have friends in school. The simple act of asking for a pencil in class seemed traumatic. My only friends, the books in my school library. And the librarian who would refer them to me. They transported me to worlds way better than the one I lived in.

For a person whose passion is to learn new things, having an anxiety disorder on top of being an introvert is like having a disability. I love to talking to people but the thought of approaching them makes my heart beat faster to a point that my chest burns terribly. I can barely breathe. It is hard to see people around you moving on with their lives. They turn a new leaf in their lives while here I am, stuck at the first step I was meant to take a long time ago.

Though I believe that it is not my time yet. I believe my time will come too... Soon, just not yet. I refuse to regret any longer, I have fought my demons every day. But I have lived in my world for so long, that leaving it now terrifies me.

In time I had learned to hide my feelings, to not show affection and not to ask for any. It was just the world I had lived in. When people my age partied, I took care of my family. In doing so, I lost my chance to follow my career or my dreams, I had to let it go. I am still a young 5-year-old at heart, searching for her father to hold her hand, to feel safe in his arms. I lost my father at a very young age. I received little love from my mother and only longed for my father’s return for a long time. I had been the strength for my sister during her divorce and my mother’s illness.

I wish to tell you about all my scares, my bleeding wounds and my weeping heart. I want to tell you everything but I cannot. I cannot because I am afraid. I am afraid of you; your judgment, the possibility of your cruel remarks. It is hard for me to do all the things you ask me to do because I have never done them before.

Please understand that when you scold me, a piece of my soul breaks apart.

I am trying, please be patient with me, I will learn but I cannot learn everything overnight. When I ask you something, as stupid as it might sound, I don't need your crude judgement, I just want you to tell me what's correct. Because if I am confused, I don't want to add sadness to my miseries.

I want to be happy. You make me happy. I love you for all the love and care you show me. I love the picture of us, where you are holding my hand in yours. I love how it shows that you are standing with me, my strength. I love you but when you point out my flaws in public, my heart weeps and my fears crawl all over my skin, as if I have been stripped bare. It's like I have placed my trust in you wrongly.

I want to be naked, I want to be myself, but just with you. Not a joke for you to laugh at with the world.

My heart is still bleeding, please understand. I know I have many flaws. I am sorry that I am not jolly like your friends. I just need time to grow, I only ask for the time that was taken away from me. I need time to heal. I do wish to help you reach heights that you want to achieve but I expect the same from you. I hope that you can love me enough to make me forget my pain. Please understand I need time.

I ask you to be my safe haven. Shield me, so that I can grow into the flower that I know can bloom.

Editor's Note:

This is how anxiety feels and not many people talk about it openly. Please, please share this story to appreciate the author's efforts of expressing her true feelings. It's not easy.