This is a continuation of my previous story titled “My husband gave me the greatest gift when I was 6 months pregnant. He slept with other girls.”

I delivered a baby girl 2 months back. It has been more than 5 months now. Only I know how I faced the most embarrassing and painful incident of my life. My life has changed quite a lot after this incident.

My husband has changed now. He is doing his best to take care of us.

We went for a therapy session after which I realized that he was unable to tolerate my behaviour and mood swings during my pregnancy. He felt I had become a dominating and bossy person after I became pregnant. He also felt that I was not appreciating the sacrifices that he was making for his family. During this therapy session, he also confessed that he had a disturbed childhood because his mother had always been an overly dominating person. He also confessed that he became addicted to porn when I was pregnant. He then said that he came to know about my past too at this time.

All this had driven him to take that extreme step.

As for me, I was totally fed up with his moody and childish behaviour. He was not a social person like me. All these factors had created an emotional disconnect between us.

I had enough proof to show that he had used an escort service when I was 2 months pregnant. He had not known anything about my past at that time. When I confronted him about this, he told me that someone from my college had told him about my past when I was pregnant. I knew he was lying when he said this.

Why the hell would anyone be interested in telling him about my past after 8 whole years and that too when I was pregnant?

Yes, I know that I too betrayed him by hiding facts related to my past. Maybe that had hurt him deeply. But if he truly loved me he should have forgiven me for it. I am still not sure that he cheated on me because he came to know about my past.

I wish I could rewind my life by 8 years and start afresh. I know that if I got this kind of a chance I would either tell him about my past or choose not to make him a part of my life at all.

He chose virginity over 8 years of love. He chose sex over my love for him. He destroyed the most beautiful phase of my life. I don’t want to look back on those days ever again. I can forgive him for all his other mistakes but not for ruining those days of my life when I was pregnant with his child.

Despite all that I was facing, I have decided to let go of all that happened to us in our past and give him once more chance for the sake of my daughter. I am able to think more rationally and logically now because I no longer suffer from pregnancy-related hormonal imbalances. I now know that I was not able to leave him earlier because I loved him immensely. But now I feel that the love that I have for him is gradually vanishing.

I can sense my heart and my mind fighting with each other. My heart says that I should leave him and start afresh. But my brain says that I should give him one more chance for my daughter’s sake. Maybe I know I am a coward because I am scared of facing my family and the society that we live in. I had chosen him as my husband. So how could I possibly go back and tell them about all that was happening to me?

I have always been a hopelessly romantic person. I valued the concept of ‘true love'. I would think that someday I too would get my Prince Charming after which I would be able to lead a life of my dreams. But my faith in love and life was crushed not once but twice. Now I feel that some people are not meant to be loved. Maybe I belong to this category of people.

My boyfriend ditched me in college and left me with a broken heart. And now my husband stabbed me in my back and crushed my soul.

I was hurt when my boyfriend cheated me in college. But I still had faith in love. But now I feel I have closed the chapter called love in my life. I was already pregnant when my husband came to know about my past. He says he could not leave me at that time. But I am amazed that he had the heart to cheat on me at that time.

What is the guarantee that he will not do it again if I am sick or am away from him for some time in his life?

Maybe I was behaving badly with him for some time. But he too had his fair share of habits that I simply could not tolerate. Did that give him a license to cheat on me? What did I get by remaining faithful to him? I accept the fact that I hid the truth about my past from him. But I have been faithful to him since the day I got to know him. I wonder if I should also cheat on him to lessen the intensity of the pain that plagues me currently.

Even when I imagine him cheating on me it hurts. It hurts even more when I think of the fact that my husband paid for sex and that he had no morality and respect for women.

I cry almost every day when I am alone. Sometimes I feel suffocated by my own emotions. Often I feel like killing myself. But life goes on…

I have now decided to live my life without love. I am not staying in this relationship now because I love him. I think love creates the biggest of problems in all relationships.

Love brings so many expectations into the picture. Love is always associated with a sense of ownership. Love makes people weak. Love is always suppressed by other more important factors like ego, selfishness, sex etc.

I am trying to bridge the gap in our relationship by being more understanding. I do care for my husband. But when it comes to love I think I have locked my heart and dropped the keys somewhere. I am scared of getting hurt again. I know I will never cheat him sexually but I am not sure if I will be true to him emotionally.

Deep down in my heart, I too know that I yearn for love. But I don't know if someone will be able to open those locks and love me truly and unconditionally. I wonder if I will ever love my husband again. That looks like a really tough deal to me.

Right now I am suffocating because I don’t express any of my feelings to anyone. I know I am hurting myself by doing this. But maybe this is how I will gain my inner peace too.

Sometimes I want to go off somewhere all by myself and leave my entire family – my husband, my parents and all my other family members and friends behind me. But I can’t do this because of my daughter.

I am living through this mess only because of my daughter. I feel true love is an illusion. And if you try to get it – you will end up hurting yourself to the core of your heart.

I learnt this but paid a heavy price for it. But I am glad that at least I learnt it.

Share This Story