Right Now I Just Know That I Am More A Mother To My Daughter Than A Wife To My Husband

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 29 April, 2018

This is a continuation of my previous story titled “My husband gave me the greatest gift when I was 6 months pregnant. He slept with other girls.”

I delivered a baby girl 2 months back. It has been more than 5 months now. Only I know how I faced the most embarrassing and painful incident of my life. My life has changed quite a lot after this incident.

My husband has changed now. He is doing his best to take care of us.
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We went for a therapy session after which I realized that he was unable to tolerate my behaviour and mood swings during my pregnancy. He felt I had become a dominating and bossy person after I became pregnant. He also felt that I was not appreciating the sacrifices that he was making for his family. During this therapy session, he also confessed that he had a disturbed childhood because his mother had always been an overly dominating person. He also confessed that he became addicted to porn when I was pregnant. He then said that he came to know about my past too at this time.

All this had driven him to take that extreme step.
As for me, I was totally fed up with his moody and childish behaviour. He was not a social person like me. All these factors had created an emotional disconnect between us.

I had enough proof to show that he had used an escort service when I was 2 months pregnant. He had not known anything about my past at that time. When I confronted him about this, he told me that someone from my college had told him about my past when I was pregnant. I knew he was lying when he said this.

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Why the hell would anyone be interested in telling him about my past after 8 whole years and that too when I was pregnant?
Yes, I know that I too betrayed him by hiding facts related to my past. Maybe that had hurt him deeply. But if he truly loved me he should have forgiven me for it. I am still not sure that he cheated on me because he came to know about my past.

I wish I could rewind my life by 8 years and start afresh. I know that if I got this kind of a chance I would either tell him about my past or choose not to make him a part of my life at all.

He chose virginity over 8 years of love. He chose sex over my love for him. He destroyed the most beautiful phase of my life. I don’t want to look back on those days ever again. I can forgive him for all his other mistakes but not for ruining those days of my life when I was pregnant with his child.

Despite all that I was facing, I have decided to let go of all that happened to us in our past and give him once more chance for the sake of my daughter. I am able to think more rationally and logically now because I no longer suffer from pregnancy-related hormonal imbalances. I now know that I was not able to leave him earlier because I loved him immensely. But now I feel that the love that I have for him is gradually vanishing.

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I can sense my heart and my mind fighting with each other. My heart says that I should leave him and start afresh. But my brain says that I should give him one more chance for my daughter’s sake. Maybe I know I am a coward because I am scared of facing my family and the society that we live in. I had chosen him as my husband. So how could I possibly go back and tell them about all that was happening to me?

I have always been a hopelessly romantic person. I valued the concept of ‘true love'. I would think that someday I too would get my Prince Charming after which I would be able to lead a life of my dreams. But my faith in love and life was crushed not once but twice. Now I feel that some people are not meant to be loved. Maybe I belong to this category of people.

My boyfriend ditched me in college and left me with a broken heart. And now my husband stabbed me in my back and crushed my soul.

I was hurt when my boyfriend cheated me in college. But I still had faith in love. But now I feel I have closed the chapter called love in my life. I was already pregnant when my husband came to know about my past. He says he could not leave me at that time. But I am amazed that he had the heart to cheat on me at that time.

What is the guarantee that he will not do it again if I am sick or am away from him for some time in his life?

Maybe I was behaving badly with him for some time. But he too had his fair share of habits that I simply could not tolerate. Did that give him a license to cheat on me? What did I get by remaining faithful to him? I accept the fact that I hid the truth about my past from him. But I have been faithful to him since the day I got to know him. I wonder if I should also cheat on him to lessen the intensity of the pain that plagues me currently.

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Even when I imagine him cheating on me it hurts. It hurts even more when I think of the fact that my husband paid for sex and that he had no morality and respect for women.

I cry almost every day when I am alone. Sometimes I feel suffocated by my own emotions. Often I feel like killing myself. But life goes on…

I have now decided to live my life without love. I am not staying in this relationship now because I love him. I think love creates the biggest of problems in all relationships.

Love brings so many expectations into the picture. Love is always associated with a sense of ownership. Love makes people weak. Love is always suppressed by other more important factors like ego, selfishness, sex etc.

I am trying to bridge the gap in our relationship by being more understanding. I do care for my husband. But when it comes to love I think I have locked my heart and dropped the keys somewhere. I am scared of getting hurt again. I know I will never cheat him sexually but I am not sure if I will be true to him emotionally.

Deep down in my heart, I too know that I yearn for love. But I don't know if someone will be able to open those locks and love me truly and unconditionally. I wonder if I will ever love my husband again. That looks like a really tough deal to me.
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Right now I am suffocating because I don’t express any of my feelings to anyone. I know I am hurting myself by doing this. But maybe this is how I will gain my inner peace too.

Sometimes I want to go off somewhere all by myself and leave my entire family – my husband, my parents and all my other family members and friends behind me. But I can’t do this because of my daughter.

I am living through this mess only because of my daughter. I feel true love is an illusion. And if you try to get it – you will end up hurting yourself to the core of your heart.
I learnt this but paid a heavy price for it. But I am glad that at least I learnt it.
Author's Note:

This write up is my way of releasing all the intense pain that I am feeling. Yes – feel free to judge me for feeling this way.

Editor's Note:

Love can do many things in our lives. But ‘life’ and ‘time’ will surely test the depth of our love. Often we are so blinded by the intensity of our own pain that we fail to see that the other person is suffering too. We all will make mistakes until our dying day. Let's learn to forgive others and trust again. Let's share this story because if we truly love someone we will stand by them even when they fail us.