Since childhood, the only dream I had, was to be a bride.

Sounds funny but I loved the look of one. I used to think it's the red colour of everything that she wears, that makes a girl glow and super beautiful. Post marriage for a few months, the love and princess-like treatment that she receives, I was always fascinated by it.

I had a disturbed childhood though and hence, always sought after love from the outside. But deep inside I knew I will get all of it once I get married to the man who would be called my 'husband'.

Finally, at the age of 34, the day came. I looked like a stunning bride, just like I wanted to be. But....the guy I was getting married to, was not in a mood to marry and had just agreed just for his mother, dowry and social pressure. I wish I had realized it earlier. It was solemnized by a matrimony app. His mother chose me and in his absence, we did the roka as he was in New Zealand. She told us that he was at a very honorable position in the NZ govt.

Ours is a lower middle-class family. We could get only the basic information about the family except for the guy. The initial conversations with the guy were good and he earned respect by accepting me with my dark past that I had discussed with him on day one of our conversations. As I wasn't aware of the intentions, I got into the wedlock with a clean heart and love for him.

We got married and I thought it will be a "happily ever after". Again a but....I was treated as just a body on our first night. Beaten and forced to make love. My desires were crushed.

On mentioning that I am tired, I was asked to make all the efforts to keep him happy even when my body didn't allow. I surrendered as I knew he would fly out in 3 days. I wanted to make him happy so that he remembered, missed me and the love could prosper between us.

Again a but...the real story began here. He flew back to NZ. I was left to stay with his family, waiting for my time to fly to my husband. His behavior changed. No calls, no messages. I was always the one to initiate any conversation. We both struggled to find a topic to talk about. He always seemed disinterested. While I was getting used to it, I discovered that he was friends with almost all my friends on Facebook and Instagram but me. He never bothered to add/follow me. On being questioned, he used to ask for "space". He had never mentioned anything about him being married to anyone at his workplace or around. On asked why, he used to say, "I will do it when it's time." I started feeling bad.

It was suffocating to keep everything inside and pretend that I was happy when I was not. He was regular with messages and calls to his mother, every day. Especially, when I was asleep. Initially, I ignored it but where I am today is because of ignoring these small things. I was constantly being judged for every small thing I did or looked at or said. But my in-laws never paid any attention to my unhappiness. His message used to make me happy and bubbly throughout the day and the opposite, when there was none.

I started trusting and confiding in him. Voiced out my expectations as a wife and to be treated fairly. I didn't demand much but time, love, respect and a bit of importance in his life. And not to be treated like a mistress.

I didn't know he was being programmed to be a certain way. When I voiced my concerns, he used to argue, shout and abuse me. Dowry, as a tradition in Hindu marriage, was given in the form of cash and jewelry but was probably not enough for this family that used to think very highly of their son as he was settled in NZ. On every visit to my natives, in-laws used to get gifts according to what our pockets allowed, they were still unhappy.

We argued a couple of times. I kept it to myself and didn't let my family know of his demands for gold or the Apple watch, of him calling me names, of him beating me up and making out with without my consent, of him not giving me the well-deserved status in his life and treating me like a tissue paper or mistress, of his mother never paying attention to any of my complaints and asking me to adjust.

Yes, I did speak with my mother-in-law, thinking of her as my mother, the biggest mistake of my life, because to that she said, "Fights are for daytime, making out makes up for it at night." Made me think - are girls made just to please husbands at night? Was she treated the same way? Has she lived her life the same way? Was this her tactic to work through her disturbed married life? Is this how my husband was raised? Will I be treated the same way in the future too, by this guy (yes, I can't call him a man)? Did she ever feel the pain of women? Is she even a woman at heart?

Two months passed. Yes, only two. One fine day, I called him. As usual, he had not called or messaged me. He asked me to wait for 15 minutes as he wanted to call his mother about "us". When I asked him why, he said, "Wait. Let me see. I am unable to process a few things." 30 mins. I called as he had not called me back.

I heard him saying, "I need a divorce". I was left speechless. My world stopped.

I was at my natives' place. I called my mother-in-law. I thought she would act maturely. She asked me not to come back home, as I could not keep her son happy even for three days because I expected a lot from him. It was a problem that I wanted to be accepted publicly too as a wife and not only on paper. I could not be just a "night queen" to her son. Yes, night queen. In Hindi, Raat ki Rani. I still went back to my legal home. But was sent back home as she had called my folks too in the meantime. I had not told them anything yet. She convinced us that she will talk to her son and understand what's the matter, only to befool us.

My dad is a great man, much like a saint. He didn't want anything to be messed up so he took me with him. By midnight, we, as a family were blocked by all the family members on all social media and even on calls and messages. My husband had already withdrawn my visa papers, which we got to know after a month. On doing a little research, it was discovered that they had locked the house and escaped. No traces of them for two months. And I'm here.

No divorce notice, no traces of them. No clothes, no money, no jewelry, no certificates - so I can't even start work. No lawyer can help because they are politicians and ex-advocates of the supreme court. MPs and MLAs are really good friends to my in-laws.

The only message we have received is that, "You have been characterless and have a dirty past. Hence, we cannot accept you."

I do not wish to justify anything to people with close mindsets as they are not willing to listen and talk. All I want to say is, my husband lacked everything in him as a man. But making me pay for his own shortcomings was and is not acceptable.

Someday, he'd understand that a real man is not by the built but by the smile women around him carry, maybe his mother, sister, wife or daughter.

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