I’m a thirty-year-old single girl who has tried her luck at love too many times than I’d like to admit, only to be failed by this supposed ‘significant other’ in ways more shocking than the previous encounters.

I belong to a middle-class family where a girl my age absolutely can’t and shouldn’t be single. I was pushed to ‘settle’ in life and have tried my luck with finding love the old-fashioned way and the arranged way. Finding none, I decided to write about my stress. Not to seek pity but as a mode to cope with my anxiety attacks and bouts of depression.

I love parasites; ones who drain me and take away every bit of my life, only to re-fill myself and re-grow to be eaten, yet again, by another parasite.

Don’t judge me for calling these species, these men in my life, parasites. Because I have my own legit reasons for doing so. But then it also talks a lot about the kind of person I am. Someone who gives up each and every ounce of my life and self just for someone else. What a waste.

I could go on and on, with my list of failed relationships, but I chose not to. I will however, share my last story as it is worth mentioning; for all the drama, again adding to my list of failed relationships.

12 months of a roller-coaster ride, with unpredictable and moody highs and lows, I’m amazed how I managed to survive all of this. From what began as giggles, laughter and love are now tears, cries and pure hatred; and this is someone that I never believed myself to come to hate.

It began in November when he held my hand and told stories about his life. How clueless was I, to the fact that I was the third wheel to an already-existing relationship between you and another woman? Oh wait, I was the “other woman”. How could I be blamed for mistaking what I thought to be love to simply be an act of lust from his side?

He is going to be the most difficult lesson that I will have to learn. I trust easily, and that’s my only vice. I gave myself to him, every inch of my heart, body, and soul. I devalued myself and didn’t love myself enough to set any benchmarks for finding a significant other.

Sohna Sardar, as they call you: I fell for your looks and maybe judged you based on your social background too. But your lies not just killed my love for you, but also made me emotionally numb; I don’t want to sound clichéd, but I doubt I’ll ever fall in love again.

Betrayal, deceit, and dishonesty- those are the only words that now ring a bell with your name.

You cheated once, I forgave you. You lied a million times, I forgave you. Each time when I knew you were lying, I cried silently, hoping that one day, you’d stop. But then, like you always believed, “innocent until proven guilty”.

And so today, I give up. I’m done. I love myself too much to continue this rubbish with you.

As for the other woman, I won’t do her any harm; I know she has a child and comes from a broken home. She’s not happy with her husband and so she needs you. Let her have you. Her life is miserable enough and I have no interest in ruining it further, I know karma will soon do my job for me.

And as for you, I did everything in the world to make it a better place for you. The world will vouch for this. I went against everyone and anyone who told me you were not the right one for me. I stood by my word and backed it with action all the time, from when I said “I love you,” to when I said, “I will never leave you.”

Alas, to my regret, it was always a one-way street. One that ended in darkness. What misfortune to have loved and never been loved back at all.

But this is a lesson and I will learn it.

Emotionally, physically, verbally abused in this so-called relationship, I held on and now I don’t know why. I end my misery because I do not want you anymore. I’m putting an end to my tears that went on and one for days, months and a year now.

You do not deserve this. You don’t deserve any of this.

I could go on and on and on for what I did and what you gave me in return. But then darling, I would be no better than you. As I leave today, I walk out with my head held high and a deep regret in my heart for loving someone so deeply and not being enough for him.

Not that I think it’s my loss, it never was and never will be. It is your loss. Because you lost out on someone who gave up the world for you, not just in words, but for real. Someday, you’ll find yourself needing me because of all the blunders that you’ve made and are making in your life. You will hunt for me in, in places and in people, but you’ll never find me. I don’t hate you anymore, I feel sad for you to have let go of someone like me.

I will bring no harm to anyone, not to you or your other woman. No fights, no accusations, no arguments, no hostility, no enmity, nothing at all.

We all pay for our karma, my faith in the universe. I have paid for mine and now, so will you.

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