24 March 2020. It was supposed to be the most memorable and happiest day of our lives, but God had other plans. He made it the worst day of our lives instead.
Just as the sonographer moved the probe onto my belly, I got anxious because I could not see any baby. I fired the questions and at once, got the reply. "There is no heartbeat, I think the pregnancy has stopped." What? Is this even possible?
"Wait, let me get my senior sonographer and then confirm anything," - is what she said while I was finding it difficult to even breathe. Meanwhile, I called my husband and started crying describing the situation.
He could not believe his ears like I could not believe my eyes. The senior sonographer came and I could see a tiny creature inside my belly that had no heartbeat.
I was literally dying and crying during the check-up. The doctor could not say anything as I was trying to understand every bit of what was going on. The baby was developing fine until 7 weeks and 6 days, just after, the heartbeat stopped. Reason - chromosomic abnormalities. I was asked to come after 2 days for dilation and curettage to take the tissues out.
I lived in extreme suffocation in those two days. 27 March 2020, I went for the initial procedure alone as we could not let our daughter to be in the hospital for a long time. I was injected with medicines through the upper and lower openings of my body and was asked to go for a walk.
While I was moving in the hospital’s vicinity, my body felt dead to me already. It was 10:30 am but the world seemed dark. What really happened? Why did it happen? How did it happen? I was trying to browse through all these questions to find the answer. But nature was too busy to reply.
I felt guilty. Maybe I hurt someone, maybe I made his/her life miserable to deserve this punishment. My dreams and plans of having a second child were shattered and my courage was ripped apart.
My eyes were wet all through the day and mind was blank. Only one thing was going on in my head. Why did I lose my child? What could I have done differently? The procedure started and I was given local anesthesia that was allowing me to see what was happening to my lower body. The doctor inserted small instruments and scrappers to take the tissues out. I was bleeding profusely, thereby coloring the doctor’s hands red.
Conducting this procedure 4-5 times she did a transvaginal scan and saw that the baby’s head remained. I was so stupid to gaze at the screen and that view literally tore me from inside. I could not feel all that was happening to my lower body but my heart was experiencing all that pain. It was the final goodbye to my child whom I could never feel in my hands.
I do not remember my first wish in life but having this child was certainly my last.
My D&C was over and I was empty. My eyes were wet and throat felt dry. Filled emotions, I headed towards home. I could walk but felt too weak. I was left with no strength to eat, sleep or to even breathe. They gave me an injection to contract the uterus, which was giving me unbearable pain in my stomach.
I was trying to sleep. But again all that moved inside my head - how they took out my unborn child and what happened - didn't let me sleep.
My mind started making a list of people whom I hurt during my lifespan and wanted to apologize to each one of them. Eyes were crying continuously without knowing when to stop. I don’t know God’s reason behind giving me this permanent loss.
What is good about taking my unborn child’s life? It would have never been conceived. But I have to move on.
I will always love you, my baby, because that feeling that I was carrying you inside of me is unforgettable.
I don’t know how I will heal myself and how my life would come back on its track because it's been a week of my D&C and its memory makes me cry repeatedly. I like to be alone nowadays and think about all that happened to me. But still, there are some people whose words comfort me, make me feel like living again.
I know life moves on, but I will always remember my unborn child as my baby, whom I could never see.