Life Children MOTHERHOOD abortion pregnancy regret

I Regret Aborting My Baby Just Because I Wasn’t Married Yet

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

We all make bad choices in life. We face the consequences and we move on. What if, one such choice does an irreparable damage? Like regretting right after you take a leap from a building or regretting right after you drive someone to suicide or like right after you abort your baby.

When I got to know I was pregnant, that morning, I felt nothing. No happiness, no sorrow. My immediate thought was, should I tell him? After a long battle with my thoughts, I messaged him if we could meet for lunch. He said yes. The whole time I was at work or driving to meet him, I kept thinking about how to break the news to him and what his reaction would be. I picked him up from his work and we went home. We sat on the couch and I started talking. I was taking a reference from the car accident we had recently when he was driving and clarified that I did not blame him for it because it was my choice to ask him to drive that day.

I told him I never blamed anyone for my choices and told him my pregnancy test came out positive that morning. There was an awkward silence. He hid himself behind a pillow like a 5 year old caught doing something naughty. I understood how hard that was for him. But, I was sitting there like a rock.

After he recovered from the shock and embarrassment, he asked me what I wanted to do with the baby. I love babies, I always have. If things were ideal, if the situation was favorable, I wanted this kid. That's what I told him. Ideally, I'd have wanted to keep it but we were not ready. In any way. He offered to get married but I dismissed it because I didn't want to get married without falling in love or for the wrong reasons. We decided to go get it checked the following Monday. The whole weekend, all I could think of was how I was carrying a living thing inside my body. I was proud and ashamed at the same time. An unwed pregnant girl, a disappoint my parents could never recover from.

Monday was here. We went to the doctor and they confirmed I was pregnant. They gave me all the options but I was clear on which one to pick. They asked us to come back a week later for the ultrasound and the abortion. That one week was the most beautiful week. He took care of me like I was his baby. Even though I knew I had to abort this pregnancy, I grew fond of it in that one week. I kept touching my belly. It felt like I was complete. The day came finally and I went to the clinic once again.

This time to get an ultrasound and make sure I was clear for the Medical Abortion (the pill). For the first time, we saw my uterus on the screen. There was this tiny lump attached to its walls. I love photographs, I love being in them. But, that picture of my uterus, the fetus, was the most beautiful one I'd ever seen or will probably ever see. I was wishing I could keep it but I knew what I would have had to face and what that baby would have had to face.

My parents have the strength to forgive me and embrace this but I didn't have the strength to withstand disappointing them at this level. I took the first pill as soon as they completed instructing me on the procedures. I was scared I will change my mind. I had to take the second pill the next day. He was by my side the whole time. I didn't know how he felt. He never told me except for being there for me no matter what. As soon as I took the second, I started cramping and within no time, I was bleeding. I bled for the next two days with my back and lower belly hurting, as natural as it can get, I have been told.

It was like a miscarriage. It hit me on the second day that I lost it, I lost my baby. I cried the whole night without him noticing. I have been crying ever since. We had a follow up appointment the next week and we went. One of the saddest moments of my life, seeing my empty uterus on the screen. It was EMPTY. Just like I felt empty from head to toe. I had pain. Not in uterus. In my heart. A pain that I don't think I will ever be able to get rid of, ever be able to address. We all make bad choices, we all regret.

Did I want the baby, no. Do I feel the loss now, I do. Very much. I am unable to come to terms with it. Neither am I able to express this pain. I feel lost, empty and shallow. I will have babies in the future. Maybe. Maybe not. But this one, will never come back. I haven't been able to be the same with him. I don't know how he feels about all this but it broke me. All this while, I thought I was the stronger one between the both of us. Turns out, life can break anyone. I feel a pain even my mother cannot understand. I know I made the choice but I wish I could change it. I could go back and change it. I really wish. I feel empty, my soul feels empty.

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