He Was The One Who Humiliated Me But I Still Blame Myself For Letting Him Do It

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 4 June, 2018

He was a rather charming man. He finally managed to get a “Yes” out of me after persuading me to be with him for almost one whole year.

Ah! A man will do many things to make you believe that he loves you.

He will make you believe that you will not be happy with anyone else but him. He will surprise you by dedicating songs to you. His will always have interesting conversations with you. He will walk with you and come shopping with you. He will compliment you often.

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Everything will look rosy and seem as perfect as it should be.

I too was taken in by all this and finally said, “Yes!” to him. How romantic those days were! I could feel the butterflies in my belly when he did so many small charming things for me. I would melt when he gave me a flying kiss. I considered it the epitome of happiness when I held his hands in public. Somehow it felt so right to me.

It was as if I was telling the world that he was my man and I belonged to him.

We walked in the rain together. We visited small, cozy restaurants together. He would send me a ‘Good Morning’ message every day. I would begin my day by thinking of him and would end it talking with him.

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I didn’t expect any man to shower me with so much love. Ever.

I thought this would go on for at least a year. But like they say…nothing lasts forever. Things started changing rather quickly – within 2 months of my accepting his proposal. I realized that he was a stubborn and depressed person but I ignored such things initially.

I did not want to believe that the person that I loved was not as perfect as I thought him to be.

But I could no longer ignore the signs. He would check my mobile and go through all my WhatsApp conversations and everything else that I had on my phone. But he wouldn’t let me touch his mobile.

He wouldn’t keep even the smallest of promises that he made to me.
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He would say that he would call me in half an hour and then simply forget to call me. He would call me after 6-7 hours! Such things may sound trivial and stupid to many of us.

But I feel that if a person matters to us we will not forget a single thing about them.

He would promise to visit me and then cancel things at the last moment. Often he would not even bother to tell me that he would be unable to come. He told me that I looked disastrous on my birthday. He didn’t have the decency to tell me this the next day.

He honoured me with this compliment on my birthday because he felt that the dress that I was wearing had a slightly low neckline.

He had stopped making efforts to make me feel special. I tried to converse with him. I tried to ask him if anything was wrong. But he would always have the same answer for me. He would say that he was worried about his career. He was preparing for the most difficult exam in our country. I knew that he was under immense pressure.

But I felt I was the only one who was suffering for his irresponsible behaviour.
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How could a person with such little self-confidence clear such a difficult exam? After all, it was just an exam – not something for life. If we fail in one exam does it mean that our life gets over? He would be depressed for days. He would stop calling me completely.

Ironically his exam never stopped him from behaving normally with his other friends and family members.

He lied. Many times. And I found out too. Many times. Suddenly sending me a ‘Good Morning’ message became a tedious task for him. I had stopped trusting him.

I couldn’t believe a single promise that he made.

I tried to make things work. I tried, tried and tried and I failed.

I was a self-respecting woman. I had never let anyone treat me like this before. I should have walked out before it was too late. I shouldn't have tolerated any of this. But I did. Why? Simply because I loved him.
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I hoped that things would be fine after he cleared his exam. I hoped that we could create the magic that we had shared during those two months that we had spent together.

Initially, he would come to me and apologize when he felt he had done something wrong. But that faded away soon enough. Now he had stopped coming to me whenever he hurt me. Instead, I would go to him. I would confront him. I would beg him. I would cry for him. And he would keep saying sorry.

I realized how meaningless a word like “Sorry” was at that time. It simply cannot heal us. I wondered why I was putting in so much effort in something that was so meaningless – so futile. I knew the answer to that. I was in love.

I would often decide to turn my back on him and walk away but I would visualize him holding me close to his bosom and I would melt again.

Love makes you do things that you know you shouldn’t do. It makes you weak and vulnerable. People claim that if we meet the right person love can make us strong. But how do we know that we have met the right person?

We get to know this only when we spend time with him. We have to make ourselves vulnerable to them. So I can’t really blame him. I should blame myself for what happened. I should not have trusted someone who just wasn’t for me.

I blame myself for loving him more than myself.

I had always been a romantic girl. But I made the mistake of loving someone more than myself.

I realized that if I didn’t love myself, if I didn’t respect myself, if I didn’t care for myself – no one else would. I knew that at the end of the day I would always be all alone.

I am not saying this out of frustration. I am just stating this as a matter of fact. The very thought of this is quite liberating.

If we invest in ourselves, if we are not dependent on anyone else for our love, care and admiration – we will not feel betrayed or disappointed when someone lets us down. I learnt this lesson the hard way.

I dated a depressed man for 3 whole years and learnt these lessons. I just hope none of you waits till you are as humiliated and as broken as I was to walk away. Do show the courage to walk away when you know it is time to call it quits.

Editor's Note:

We will respect and love ourselves only if we focus on creating our own identities first. When we are more confident about ourselves we will realize that all of us are worthy of love. We will not get too affected when people choose to ignore us or disrespect us because we know ourselves and believe in our intrinsic worth. Do share this story if you too believe that we all need to learn these invaluable traits from this young girl’s experiences.