In a couple of months, I will turn 25. It’s not a hard guess for anyone to know what that means for a girl hailing from a middle-class Indian household. I understand what my family and the society expects of me. But I want to share something about what I feel here.

I am scared of men. I am. And when they approach me, all I think to myself is, “hope he is not like my father”. My social life looks perfect for someone who knows me. But little do they know that I have no friends. My life has no meaning, no aim.

I was always the girl who sat alone in the class, ate alone during the recess. I was the girl who was petrified of the teacher exclaiming, “group project”, both at school and college alike. Now you would be thinking, how can this possibly cause the terror for men in someone. Well, let me tell you a story. I don’t even remember how old I exactly was, but I have seen violence in my house forever. 

Those blurry images of my father beating my mother will always haunt me, but the way my relatives pretended as if it’s a common thing in every household was something I never understood. 

I can never remember any family outing which has not turned into a regret, and I can’t even remember any rare situation where I could actually share my life aspirations with them. 

The torture my mother experienced stopped when my father, an army officer, was posted at a field station. But it made me realize that my mother has always had her own insecurities to deal with. Both my parents were dealing with their own issues. And I was a part of this dysfunctional family.

The only good thing about my family is that my brother is not as screwed up as me. He has a circle of his friends, and has his priorities right. But still, he will always have a part of my father in him. Blame it on our childhood. 

The current situation of our country is not any different. The way my father used to hit me, and threaten my mother to kill me if she wouldn’t shut up is still fresh in my mind. And the everyday challenges that we girls have to face, has screwed up my mind to such an extent that I can’t even talk to people in general, let alone men.

There are times when a person just needs to talk to someone, and there’s always a best friend, or a family member. But what about me? I have no one. I am tired of keeping it all in, and crying alone at night for the last 20 years or so.

I got a lot of opportunities to make friends, get into relationships, and do so much more with my life, but somehow, my trust issues get the better of it. I feel like I am not good enough for any of it. And I do understand that a good listener and a good companion is hard to get in today’s world.

Now is that time, where I am being pressurized into getting married. But I get jitters every time I hear the ‘M’ word.

I don’t want to end up with someone like my father. I do not want to stay in an unhappy and abusive marriage like my mother. I am a girl, I do have needs, I do yearn for intimacy, but the only thoughts that linger in my head are- what if he doesn’t like the way I dress? What if he needs me to stay at home? What if I don’t say yes to every time he wants to have sex? What if he gets drunk and loses control? 

It had come to a point where I started feeling unsafe in the safest city of the country, just because I see a group of men talking about girls. I may have shunned away a lot of good ones, but I am not sorry.

My suicidal thoughts have made everyday life seem like a punishment. And feel like I am scarred for life.

Marriage is a gamble-  you either get into an amazing one, or the most horrible experience of life. But I am not willing to play the game at all.

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