I am a modern girl but I have a conservative mindset when it comes to love, marriage and sex. I always believed that I would share my first kiss, cuddle and sexual experience with my husband alone.

I did not ever want to think about any other guy when I was with my man. I did not want to compare him to anyone else.

I am against arranged marriages but I belong to a family where I simply could not make such choices for myself. After considering several alliances for almost 2 years, I finally found a guy of my choice. The boy and his family gave their consent on the day they met me.

I was an independent girl so I wanted to get a better understanding of him as a person.

I wanted to be sure before I said, "YES!" for a lifetime commitment. So I pinged him on Facebook. We exchanged numbers. I fell in love with him over time. Though it was an arranged marriage I proposed to him over the phone and he too did the same to me.

He was my first love. I wanted to be him when I said, “I love you” to him.

So I flew down to his place the next day to meet him. I felt he was the man I was looking for. We were happy. We really loved each other when we met each other for the first time. He then tried to kiss me but I hesitated. I moved my lips away from his.

We met again over the weekend and this time we went out together with our parents’ permission. It was a beautiful place. I dressed up because I wanted to get all the attention of my guy. I was waiting for him to hold my hand and maybe talk a little about us. But all he said was that a girl sitting at another table looked beautiful. I felt bad. He did apologize but I did not expect such things to happen on our very first date. I went to his room after the date.

We started talking and ended up chatting for hours. He then tried kissing me and pushed me onto the bed. He started rubbing his private parts over me.

My inner voice said, “**** man! You couldn’t compliment me for a single thing so far but look what you are doing now. Was this all that you wanted from me?”

Time passed. We were happy. I couldn’t really judge him but I was happy with him and I think he was happy too. I flew to his place and accompanied him to his room even though it was late in the night. This time we kissed and cuddled each other. It was a hell of a night but quite romantic.

He asked me if we could have sex. I refused. Somehow my conservative mindset would not permit me to do this.

It was a great day. Later in the morning I just took his phone and randomly browsed through it. I found pictures in which he was associating very closely with a girl. The pictures were very intimate. So I started crying. I had trusted this man so blindly. We did have a conversation about this and he explained his side of things to me.

But I could not silence my inner voice which said, “Is sex the only thing that he wants from a woman? Does he love me?”

I returned to my place with so many questions in my mind now. All these photos kept flashing in my mind every now and then. I started asking him if he was really being open to me. I wondered if he really liked me. Time passed.

One day suddenly he said that given a chance, he would marry his cousin. He said that I had always been his second option. I didn’t know what to make of this statement.

He was the first man I had loved. I was giving him all my time and he was calling me his second option.

He later said that the cousin he was interested in was just a schoolgoing kid. Now my inner voice started questioning me and said, “How can he even think of marrying a kid of that age? Was he a fool of some kind?” After a while, he said I need to tone down my body and take care of my skin.

I wondered if he really liked me for what I was. I thought he was interested only in sex and the physical aspect of our relationship.

He then said that if I toned down my body it would be easy for him to lift me and have sex with me. I couldn’t help thinking that I was just a sex object for him. I had always loved him the way he was.

The only thing I was asking him to do was to improve the quality of his thoughts so that he could become a better person.

We kept meeting each other without informing our parents about it. I would sneak into his room so that we got to know each other better. One day I happened to open YouTube on his phone because I wanted to see some videos. I was shocked to see his previous searches. He was searching for hot girls based on caste. Hot.

I was really confused now because I did not know what his true intentions and thoughts about women in general were.

My inner voice was warning me and the only thought that I now had was, "What the f**k was wrong with his brain? Who sees videos based on caste?" I was a girl but I watched porn. I have no problem telling this. But I had never seen anyone searching for something based on caste.

But I still loved him despite knowing all these things about him. I thought he would change under proper guidance. I loved him for the way he was with me. I loved his kid like nature.

He was open and never hid anything from me. He told me about his past and we had really started understanding each other.

We did have misunderstandings but I always flew down to make him understand things. He took care of me and treated me like a princess every time I was with him. He took care of my health too. So all these stupid things never mattered much to me because I thought I could sit down with him and sort out such issues and make him understand things. He visited my place and we were happy together.

But those pictures that I had seen on his phone flashed in my mind repeatedly. I spoke to him about this because I wanted him to change for the better. I also felt I could get a clearer picture of his past if we discussed it openly. I then visited his place.

Despite telling him 10,000 times, he kept insisting that I have sex with him. I pleaded with him and asked him to try and understand what I was trying to say.

The next day when we were on our way to my house in his car, he hit a guy. I asked him to behave like a human being and have some humanity. I was referring to this incident when he had hit a man and also to the incident when he was forcing me to have sex with him. I told him a person of his age does not behave in this manner. 

We were happy for 2 more days after this incident. But after that, he asked his parents to call off the marriage proposal. I was heartbroken. I did not understand the real reason. I tried to make him understand things. I pleaded with him. I wrote him letters and sent him emails. I asked him to meet me so that I could make him understand things. There was no response at all. He had just created a void in my life and left me without giving me a reason.

My inner voice came to my rescue again. I wondered if he had really loved me or if it had been only lust on his side.

Did he actually leave me because I did not give in to his demands for sex when he badly wanted to have it? I had no idea about what exactly went wrong. I really wanted to sit down with him and make him understand what I had meant to convey to him. I loved him immensely and I thought he loved me too. He could have at least spoken to me before taking a decision like this.

Why had his parents called my parents to call off the proposal? Why had he not spoken to me about it directly? He said, “I was broken by your words.” My inner voice said, “Dude! I was broken by your intentions of marrying a 10^th standard kid, of clicking vulgar pictures with another girl, of searching for videos based on caste and for looking at me as if I was a sex doll.”

"But I always wanted to sit down and solve things. I tried to make you understand things."

I will always have only one real question for you – “DID YOU REALLY LOVE ME? Or did you want only sex from me?" If you had really loved me you would have given me a chance to prove my worth to you. If you had given me a chance, I would have explained things to you and made you understand things. I always believed in us. I love you. I will always love you forever.

But you ran away from problems instead of confronting them. Please grow up and be the best person you can ever be.

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