You May Have Moved On But You'll Always Look For Me In The People You Love

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I still remember the day when I first saw you. It was love at first sight. You were working in the fitting shop of the mechanical department. Thereafter, I didn’t get to see you for almost a month. Then one day, you sat beside me in the electrical lab. I still remember the conversation that we had.

I was so terrified to let someone become a part of my life.

I had built a wall around me so that no one could hurt me. I decided that it was better to forget you and I really did.

I had an awesome group of friends. We called ourselves the ‘Golmaal buddies’. I was with them in Ajmer for a training when you proposed to me. My friends shouted at me. They said, "Are you blind? He doesn’t love you and never will, why can’t you see what he is doing to you?"

Little did they know that I was blind because you had slowly broken the walls around me.

Yet, I needed some time. While I tried my best to not fall for you, destiny tried its best to make me do exactly that. You always said the right things at the right time.

Finally, I realized that you were the person I’d always wanted to be with.

With this realization, I switched to self-destruction mode. I said, "I love you too." That is when our painful story began. I told you my darkest secrets and let you see my deepest wounds. I confessed that I was getting addicted to you, your presence, your company, and your words.

I didn’t realize when this addiction turned into love.

You remained at the top of my chatting list. From sweet morning messages to good night texts, we shared every tiny detail of our day with each other. We shared sweet nothings all day and night long.

You told me about your dream house and made me a part of your dreams when you said, “I’ll be a rich businessman who returns from work in his Range Rover. You will happily welcome me and then we will have tea together in our huge garden.”

I don’t know when your dreams became my dreams; when your life became mine.

I let go of my dream to win a gold medal just for you. I’d leave my syllabus incomplete and come to teach you. At that time, my goal was to get a degree along with you, so I helped you clear all your backlogs. And I succeeded.

I wanted to see you at the top but by doing so, I didn't realize that I'd lose my place in your heart.

Your achievements got the better of you. When we decided to take the next step after our 3-year long relationship, I somehow convinced my maa to agree for our marriage. When it was your turn, you failed.

You shouldn't have made me fall for you when you couldn’t be there to catch me.

Soon, you started changing and I simply stood there, puzzled by your behavior. Your texts got shorter by the second. Everything that you admired about me previously had started irritating the hell out of you. You didn’t have time for me anymore and I started blaming myself, thinking that I had done something wrong.

I kept waiting day and night to hear from you while you were too busy to hear me break down.

I was losing myself every time you didn’t answer my call, every time you chose someone else over me. I was always available for you and that bothered you. I fought with everyone who said anything bad about you.

Though I lost my friends, I kept defending you just to be called a 'fool' at the end of it all.

I got sick and tired of finding excuses to stay with you. You made me believe that I could be 'someone’s sometimes' but could never be ‘someone’s forever’.

And one day, I got a text from you, “My father is in depression, mujhe galat mat samjhna. I can’t talk to you anymore.” You decided to leave me by saying, "It’s my mistake, I am sorry." Those six words were enough to tear me into a thousand pieces.

Nothing can be worse than being called your lover's mistake!

I wondered if it would have hurt any less had you just left without naming my pure love as some unforgivable sin of yours. I didn’t text you ever again even when I missed you terribly. I cried myself to sleep and I still blame myself for everything. I wondered why I wasn’t good enough.

I kept shouting your name out loud but you had already gone far away.

Desperate and helpless, I somehow logged into your Facebook account. When I saw your inbox, my heart shattered. You were in a physical relationship with a girl who was your student. I closed myself in a room and cried for three days! And finally, I washed away all my love for you.

I wasn’t hurt by the fact that you’d moved on, I was hurt that it didn’t take you even 15 days to fall for someone else while I was still crying for you.

It hurt that someone I chose, someone I loved had stooped down to such levels. However, I've realized my worth. I know I didn’t deserve to cry myself to sleep. You made a soul die. I loved you and while I still do, it’s time for me to close this chapter and burn the entire book.

But I promise that you will always look for me in the people you love.

You’ll look for my hand when you feel lost, you’ll miss my voice when you badly need someone to listen to you. You will miss my love because what I gave you is rare. You’ll regret everything and you'll wish that you could apologize.

I promise that you’ll realize it and by then, it will be too late because I will let go of every little emotion I’ve ever felt for you.

I'll walk past you without even noticing your presence. You will finally get a taste of your own medicine! What hurts the most is that you broke my heart and you don’t even know it.

Now, I’ll never settle for mediocre love.

I know I'm worth so much more. I want someone to love me the way I loved you. I want to become the reason for someone to be a better person, the best that they can ever be.

The journey of loving you was never easy. I kept giving up on my self-respect to satisfy your huge ego.

But the next time you see me, you will find a strong yet innocent, bold yet pure, loving yet forgiving woman standing in front of you.

And you’ll be too ashamed to face me.

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