You Harassed Me When I Was Mentally Ill But I Also Owe You This Apology

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 29 April, 2018

Hey Harish,

Although it is now too late to accept this, but they say, better late than never. So I am writing this letter of apology to you and also to myself. I realize how stupid I have behaved with you, and that I have a serious mental illness of assuming things because of which I think hard. Maybe, because I am too illusory by nature. I am not sure what it is, but all that I assumed is because of some dreams and assumptions I had myself made. Also, maybe because you were the first man in my life whom I really liked. My age, my liking for you, your good heart, your kind nature, and so many other factors might have been to blame. I accept it all now, with no regrets. Yes, I am mentally ill. But even more important for me is to ask forgiveness from you, I hope you pardon me. It is so embarrassing and shameful to reiterate how I called you and spoke to you about our relationship 10 years ago, and how I told you to do something about our marriage.

So foolish of me, I lived in a world of dreams and what not when I did not mind asking you even once if you also felt the same.
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Everything that happened runs like a movie in my mind even today and you treated me so patiently in spite of my stupidity. I was so adamant and ended up blaming you in my heart, believing that you cheated on me, left me, abandoned me and what not. I am sorry. I should have known better. It may have been my bad time, planetary influence or my fate but believe me, I am not a girl of that kind. I am not sure why all this was done by me. You and your friends must have laughed at this, at my stupidity and vulnerable attitude for assuming something between us which was not there at all. I am not writing this out of force or hatred, but out of self-realization. A few weeks ago, when I spoke to you, I realized that somewhere I am seriously wrong. This thought kindled something in me, and with medical help, I now can realize all that I am doing in life, is stemmed out of imaginations. My liking for a person like you who lives in my imagination is questionable. I have created a mess, all owing to my mental illness. Worst is the embarrassment when I think of all those social media friends with whom I connected thinking it is you and how they would have felt when I cut them off upon knowing it’s not you. It is the height of my instability, so much shit that my mind has put me through.

I surrender to God and ask him to forgive me. I did not give them false hope but really thought it was you. I feel so ashamed now to even face myself. They would not understand, and I have no words to explain.

Today, I am taking medical help so that I am able to forgive myself and the version of you who lives in my imagination. But the hurt I caused to the real-life you who did nothing but only suffered the pain out of my mental instability, cannot be forgiven. I know not many have this kind of sickness but please do not carry the guilt forward. I have blamed you so much unnecessarily when you are still trying to help me out of my mental problem. I will get well soon, hope is the only thing I have now. I am moving far away from you and soon with medical help, I will become a normal person again who lives in the reality, not assumptions and dreams. Thank you, you did not utter one strong word against me when I called you after ten long years and I was still hoping that you were trying to connect back with me and blah blah blah. May God give you even my share of happiness. I am genuinely sorry, for all the mess and harassment you had to undergo because of me. I will not disturb you ever again, and nor will there be any guilt. I will recover, hopefully. Good wishes to you. Let’s end this all with peace, I know it’s easier said than done. But I have nothing else to say today other than, I am sorry to hurt you so much in all these years for no fault of yours.

Goodbye.
Editor's Note:

Share this story because mental illness is widespread but its awareness and recognition is still not.