What Happened With Me As A Kid Still Makes Me Feel Dirty, I Can't Help It

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 7 September, 2017

I am writing this in the middle of the night because I can not sleep.

I am a 23-year-old girl from India who has loving parents and a brother. I have been lucky to find a guy who loves me a lot at such a young age. My career is on the right track. Sounds quite perfect, right? Everything seems great on the outside but there are still nights like this one when I stay up thinking all night long.

I try to push away all these thoughts, but am not able to. I just want to share my story once.

I am a child molestation survivor. We weren't educated about good touch and bad touch back when I was a kid. It happened to me multiple times. My parents worked in the armed forces and we used to move around a lot when I was younger. I was hardly 5 years old when it happened for the first time. He was a bachelor officer who used to play games with me and my brother, and we used to visit him to learn chess. I sometimes wonder if he did anything with my brother as well.

My memories of that time are hazy so I don't remember exactly how I endured it. We moved to J&K soon and everything was fine for a year or two, after which our orderly got replaced and it started again. The new orderly used to flash me and grope my non-existent breasts. Thankfully, he was gone after we came back from our hometown after our two-month long winter break.

A new one came and the cycle repeated itself. It went on for a few months and I was still a child but by this time, I had started feeling that something was wrong. And so I planned a way out. I laid a trap. I stole a little cash from my mom's purse and let him take the blame. That was the end of it.

I did not know that what was happening to me was wrong. I sometimes feel I knew at some level and that feeling doesn't let me make peace with my ordeal. I wish I could go back in time and instead of getting that orderly fired, I could find the courage to tell my mom what he was doing with me. I feel it was cowardly of me to set him up instead of telling my mom outright.


Everything in my life has been good since then, but there have been instances where I can see the effects of what happened. It has influenced my personality a lot, I realize it now. I am a well-educated girl and a feminist, and I know I shouldn't be blaming myself for this, but I can't help but curse myself for not raising my voice. I can't help but feel dirty.

Those memories haunt me and I have no idea what to do. I am paranoid about men alone with kids, of cab drivers, every strange man I see. My blood boils when I read about a new case of crime against women, slut shaming, victim shaming, on a daily basis. It f**ks with my head. It affects me a lot more than it would affect a normal person.

I am writing tonight because till now, I have not found a way to let out my anger at this patriarchal society and this country that doesn't give two hoots about its women! I can't change what happened with me but I want to heal so that I can lead a better life. I don't want all this anger within me.

Editor's Note:

Please share this story because victims of sexual assault must never blame themselves.