What Happened With Me As A Kid Still Makes Me Feel Dirty, I Can't Help It

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 7 September, 2017

I am writing this in the middle of the night because I can not sleep.

I am a 23-year-old girl from India who has loving parents and a brother. I have been lucky to find a guy who loves me a lot at such a young age. My career is on the right track. Sounds quite perfect, right? Everything seems great on the outside but there are still nights like this one when I stay up thinking all night long.

I try to push away all these thoughts, but am not able to. I just want to share my story once.
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I am a child molestation survivor. We weren't educated about good touch and bad touch back when I was a kid. It happened to me multiple times. My parents worked in the armed forces and we used to move around a lot when I was younger. I was hardly 5 years old when it happened for the first time. He was a bachelor officer who used to play games with me and my brother, and we used to visit him to learn chess. I sometimes wonder if he did anything with my brother as well.

My memories of that time are hazy so I don't remember exactly how I endured it. We moved to J&K soon and everything was fine for a year or two, after which our orderly got replaced and it started again. The new orderly used to flash me and grope my non-existent breasts. Thankfully, he was gone after we came back from our hometown after our two-month long winter break.

A new one came and the cycle repeated itself. It went on for a few months and I was still a child but by this time, I had started feeling that something was wrong. And so I planned a way out. I laid a trap. I stole a little cash from my mom's purse and let him take the blame. That was the end of it.

I did not know that what was happening to me was wrong. I sometimes feel I knew at some level and that feeling doesn't let me make peace with my ordeal. I wish I could go back in time and instead of getting that orderly fired, I could find the courage to tell my mom what he was doing with me. I feel it was cowardly of me to set him up instead of telling my mom outright.

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Everything in my life has been good since then, but there have been instances where I can see the effects of what happened. It has influenced my personality a lot, I realize it now. I am a well-educated girl and a feminist, and I know I shouldn't be blaming myself for this, but I can't help but curse myself for not raising my voice. I can't help but feel dirty.

Those memories haunt me and I have no idea what to do. I am paranoid about men alone with kids, of cab drivers, every strange man I see. My blood boils when I read about a new case of crime against women, slut shaming, victim shaming, on a daily basis. It f**ks with my head. It affects me a lot more than it would affect a normal person.

I am writing tonight because till now, I have not found a way to let out my anger at this patriarchal society and this country that doesn't give two hoots about its women! I can't change what happened with me but I want to heal so that I can lead a better life. I don't want all this anger within me.

Editor's Note:

Please share this story because victims of sexual assault must never blame themselves.