I am a married woman going through a divorce. I had a difficult childhood, as my mother got pregnant before marriage. My father’s parents didn't accept them for 5 years and my parents were forced to leave home.
They had an inter-religion marriage and my mom had to convert her religion to please my grandfather. My mom continued to follow her religion with her family but she acted converted in front of my grandfather with the hope of impressing him.
During my school life, we kept moving to different places because of my father’s job. Our financial condition was not very good.
All we did was try and impress my grandfather in one way or the other even after he had accepted us.
My family shifted to the city for my education. My father created a strict environment in the house and we had to abide by it. He was always worried that I’d fall in love with a person from another religion, which would make my grandfather hate us even more.
So, they’d monitor all my movements. I was good in studies and didn’t give them a reason to complain. However, during this period, I got attracted to a guy who was trying to impress me.
My father was going through his own set of problems at the time and would beat my mother and me for the smallest mistakes.
After high school, I did my engineering away from home and away from my parents. Those were the best days of my life. When I was in the first year, I developed a crush on a boy from my class but I discovered that he was interested in my friend.
In the following year, I fell for another boy who belonged to a different state and religion. He had recently broken up and we came close for some time. I knew he was interested in me but he didn't want to commit.
But he chose to play safe and proposed to a girl from his own community.
I was heartbroken and started blaming myself. I started believing that I wasn't good looking, which drove me towards depression and I put on a lot of weight.
During this time, one of the guys from our friend circle showed an interest in me. He belonged to a different religion and was also junior to me. He always said that I meant a lot to him.
Initially, I was not attracted to him but my loneliness and my friends, who said that he would take good care of me, drove me to think about him.
We started spending a lot of time together during and after college. He always assured that he would never leave me and would convince my parents too since he knew them. And I believed him.
When I went to another city for my internship, he proposed to me.
The fear of losing another person who was showering me with love made me accept his proposal after analyzing my future.
When I returned to college, we came closer. His love made me feel secure. We would talk about our future, marriage, and kids too.
As I was senior to him, I finished college and got a job but that didn't stop our communication. He would regularly meet me during the vacation. We also got intimate a few times.
However, my parents started noticing my long phone calls with him. As they knew him, I mentioned I was talking to him.
But my father sensed something was going on between us and warned my mother.
I started spending a lot of time in the office so I could freely speak to him. We did have our share of fights but he was always the first to apologize. It made me feel respected and loved.
At the same time, I got attracted to a colleague of mine who showered me with appreciation.
I started thinking about him very often, as I was not used to this kind of attention.
I shared my feelings with my love but he had complete faith in me. Soon, my parents started looking for a match for me. Our dating phase was coming to an end and I started pressurizing him for marriage.
He got a job and moved closer to me. I was scared to initiate talks with my parents so I started pushing him to speak to them. He spoke to my father who expressed his disinterest because of the difference in our religions.
He told us about his love story with my mom and their struggles and fights, which are difficult in practical life. When I refused to stop talking to him, my father beat up my mother and me.
His philosophy was that any person who does wrong should be punished, and the wrong I did was to fall in love with this guy.
I always wondered why the same didn’t apply to my father. My father would call him from my mobile and ask him if he loved me. Whenever he’d say yes, my father would hit me so that he stopped talking to me.
He always cursed me and said that I was born from their sin, which hurt me deeply.
But I faced it, hoping that someday, this misery would come to an end and we'd be together. The day finally arrived.
He came to my house to discuss our marriage. But when my father asked him if he wanted to marry me, he said, “No.” I was shocked by his response. In a fit of anger, I slapped him and he walked out of my house.
I cried because this was the same person who claimed to be in love with me and made me believe that he could convince my parents.
Suddenly, my world came crashing down but I knew I still loved him. I tried to commit suicide but could not dare to do it.
After a while, we started talking again. I bought a separate sim card to talk to him and hoped that a miracle would get us together. By now, my parents had made up their mind to get me married and I tried my best to spoil their plans.
Whenever I tried to ruin a prospective match, my father thrashed my mother and me. My mother also tortured me in her own way.
I hated my parents for controlling my life. They were doing this to satisfy their ego and impress my grandfather and their relatives.
One day, we got a proposal, which I tried to spoil again but my tricks didn't work.
I showed the prospective boy’s profile to my love and he asked me to go ahead with the match, as our marriage didn't seem practical at that moment. We also discussed the future possibility of divorce and remarriage to my love. But I had little hope of us being together.
I went ahead with the engagement. During our initial conversations after the engagement, I tried my best to dissuade my future husband.
I told him that our horoscopes didn’t match, that I smoke and drink and also gave him a hint about my past.
I tried everything to push him to break the engagement but it didn't happen. Things were not going as I’d expected and in that frustration, I told him he was marrying me because of my body.
He was calm and understanding and offered to wait for a year after marriage for us to get comfortable with each other. All he asked me was not to speak to my ex and if I did, to inform him about it.
He asked me if I had been physically involved and whether I still liked him. But I never said anything to him. As the wedding date drew near, I felt like running away.
I prayed for a miracle but the person I loved was not interested in spending his life with me, and my family had no clue what I was going through.
We got married and I tried my best to stay away from my husband during the initial days. I was worried that he’d find out that I had been intimate before. Later, I did get intimate with him due to my personal needs and though he never told me directly, I’m sure he knew that I was not a virgin.
I refrained from uploading my wedding photos on social media, as I didn't want to hurt my ex. My husband was very supportive of my work and hobbies.
He also stood up against my parents when they tried to control my life even after marriage.
Unfortunately, I had my own insecurities about our relationship. I always wondered if he could ever be like my ex. I’d often pester him and keep asking him if he loved me.
He’d patiently tell me to wait, as time healed everything. When he asked me about the same, I didn't have an answer.
I started opening up to him about my parents and how they treated me and why I hated them so much.
He became more averse towards them, which I liked. But I never stopped thinking about my ex. I would include him in my prayers too.
Every now and then, I told my husband how my ex cared for me and many other things. I could see that my words hurt my husband and made him uncomfortable.
We often fought over it but all I wanted was for him to accept my past and me.
It wasn’t his fault and I didn't even give him time, as I was restless. At times, I’d show him photos of my ex on the laptop and pretend that it happened by mistake.
At other times, I would compare him to my ex, which deeply hurt him.
I kept all the gifts given by my ex and even stayed in touch with his friends. Sometimes, I called him directly but informed my husband only after several months. I told him how I wrote a blog because my ex read it.
All these things started hurting my husband, yet he pretended to be fine.
Sometimes, he did get frustrated and when he couldn't take it anymore, he suggested that we get a divorce. I wanted it too but when I mentioned it to my parents, they shouted at me.
Regardless of everything, my husband tried his best to keep me happy.
We would go out for dinners, watch movies but somewhere, I’d bring up my past and spoil the mood. There were several other occasions when I behaved badly with my husband.
One time, we had gone to my distant relative’s reception. There I saw a handsome guy who was serving food and he too happened to be my distant relative.
I couldn't turn away from him even though my husband was right next to me.
So I went to him and while we were chatting, I noticed my husband looking at me. When I came back, I told my husband that the guy was very handsome and that made him visibly uncomfortable.
Though I was working, I rarely spent my own money and made him spend on me.
I was leading a lavish life, which resulted in fights over savings. But he never complained and bought me whatever I demanded.
To the world, I portrayed to be happy but inside, I was becoming a self-destructive person who was ruining her own marriage.
After a year of our marriage, he got busy with new responsibilities at work. I turned the tables on him and started complaining to my parents.
I told them that I was unhappy, as he wasn’t taking care of me.
We’d have sex twice or thrice a week and he treated me softly but I liked rough and hard sex. I felt frustrated when I couldn't orgasm during intercourse. So I complained about his ability and performance to my parents.
He didn't have a good relationship with my parents because of me and now, I was in their good books.
They believed everything I said and cornered him, which angered him a lot. My parents gave me ideas to harass him and my father even accused him of having affairs with other women.
I chose to be a mute spectator and didn't support him though I knew it was not true.
I asked him for a mutual divorce but he didn't agree. So we planned to provoke him further.
I told him that one of my colleagues appreciated my earrings in office while another one likes me even though he knows I’m married. When he was not able to handle the provocation, he asked if I dressed up to impress my colleague. I took this as an opportunity and fought with him.
I would fight with him for every reason. If I went out late with my friends without informing him, I would fight with him for not calling and checking on me.
I knew it made him angry but I played smart and blamed him.
Ultimately, I decided to end the marriage and my parents took me home. We made a plan and accused him of having affairs with several girls.
I called him impotent because he would not have sex with me every day.
He patiently heard everything that we said against him. He lost his cool at times but never spoke about my past and everything that I did to him.
I knew he would never come back to me after all that had happened.
After a few months, we filed false cases against his family and him. My father used various tactics, and I played the victim card. We thought that they would give in and my father would be able to recover the expenses incurred for the wedding and I’d be free from this relationship. But he put up a strong fight.
Now, I pretend that my family is my world and I love my parents.
I portray that they are my only support because I need the sympathy of my relatives and friends.
But I am still waiting for true love. Recently my ex messaged me to know how I was doing. I still have feelings for him.
Deep down, I see a light at the end of the tunnel and hope to be with him for the rest of my life.