I’m an only daughter and through my life, my parents have always been extremely polite. Even when it comes to them handling their anger, it was always a firm tone, but never were words like, ‘idiot’, ‘stupid’ and so on were exchanged. My father passed away when I was still in college and I went on to finish my education, my career and even married a boy of my choice.
My husband was good-looking, hardworking and was always so considerate when it came to others. He was a perfect choice that I knew I’d never find better.
What I couldn’t have expected, was that this man who was everyone’s best friend outside didn’t think of extending these manners to his wife.
Verbal abuses, from English to Hindi, were all a part of his vocabulary.
He would start his sentences with things like, “Are you mad?”, “How can you be so stupid?”, “How can you not understand something so simple…?” And so on…
I know that he praises me in my absences and that he also seeks my advice when he wishes to discuss things about his work or his life, but the moment I decide to help him out, he becomes too angry, irritated or then abusive, for me having tried to talk to him when he was in this bad state of mind.
It came to a point where I stopped speaking; all I wanted to do was close my eyes and die.
His other habits were that when I wanted to talk to him or just spend time with him during weekends, he would get “busy” in his work or in the garden or go out with his friends. If I asked him to spend time with me, he would say things like, “What!? You want me to just sit in front of your face? Fine! Here I am, now what? Say something? Now, why are you quiet?!” By then, obviously, I had nothing to say to him.
Then there are those times, when, because he is so ‘busy’, I would find things to do; I would read a book, watch a movie or try out a new recipe in the kitchen and he would come and immediately try and get my attention.
When I would finally drop everything and go to him, he would suddenly be busy again.
I’ve tried asking for help, to handle this situation in the best way possible, but every time I’ve been told not to be so sensitive. That I should learn to ignore him or accept this as a ‘quirk’ of his, because hey, don’t we all have one?
I’m asked if he hits me, he doesn’t. He playfully hits me and sometimes I do get hurt, but there isn’t any black-blue marks or incidents to speak about.
This verbal abuse of his extends out to even when we are with his friends; he calls me a fat buffalo and laughs loudly, at his own non-existent humour. He finds new ways to insult me, all day and all night. He tells his friends that he motivates me to become thinner, but I don’t listen or want to change.
The only problem I see in this is that I don’t stand up for myself. I will never be able to.
I have no father or brother to support me and my mother is scared that if I get divorced than it’ll be worse for me to handle society’s abuses; so, the safer option was to stick to my husband’s abuses.
I guess that is true to a certain extent.
I’ve been living with her for the past 14 months and have experienced that without my husband’s approval, I am the worst kind of woman that ever existed on Earth – I’m a family breaker and a characterless woman.
My neighbours breathe easy when my husband comes and stays with us, twice a week, and when I go stay with him on weekends.
All I can do now is that when my husband starts his sentences with, “M**** C****!”, all I’m going to do is smile and murmur, “Krishna Krishna Hare Hare Ram Ram Hare Hare, Hare Ram Hare Ram Hare Krishna Hare Krishna" and pretend that his words do not affect me anymore.