Maybe I'm Too Afraid To Die, But I Can Still Pretend To Be Normal

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 19 December, 2017

I never knew that trip was going to be my last moment of being myself.

So it all started on a college trip. I was one of the most joyful and fun loving girl in our college. I met him on that trip. We came close to each other. He was different from the other guys, or that's what he pretended. When the trip was over, he confessed his feelings for me and eventually, I did the same.

Then he used to talk to me the whole day. He flaunted our relationship to everyone in the college. He always found a reason to spend time with me. I was madly in love with him. I had this thought of losing my virginity to my husband, and I felt he was the one. I told my family about him and I was really so into him.
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He kissed me in restaurants, the car, somewhere on the road when no one could see us. Then one day, we got some time alone at home. We got intimate. I was not ready for sex but he insisted. He was not ready to control. I gave up and allowed him.

And after that, he would insist on having sex all the time. And that's when my life turned upside down. I changed myself for him. I changed my clothes, the way I walk, talk, eat, and my nature as well. I was doing it because I loved him. But eventually, he started changing, or maybe he was showing his real side.

I gave my everything to him but then he suddenly started doubting me. He never trusted me. Whenever I was online or my phone was busy, he started fighting. I was afraid to even talk to my family. I lost all my friends. I started being alone. Still, he was not satisfied. He is always rude to me.

He abused me, insulted me, made me feel like a slut. All this is what I got when I was wholeheartedly, truthfully in love him.
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I asked him if he wanted a breakup. He never accepted it, even though his behaviour was exactly the opposite of wanting to be with me. Then also, he didn't change his attitude towards me. I, one day, finally got fed up being hurt and asked for a breakup.

He still wasn't ready. We are still in this so-called relationship. He is breaking me from inside each and every day. We hardly speak to each other but we're still in a relationship. I tried to harm myself.

Earlier, I used to enjoy my life. I used to sleep a lot. But now I am a dead person. I take sleeping pills to actually sleep every day. I am not a person who would express her personal things to anyone. I never shared my things with anyone. And now this is making me die every day. I appear to look normal but actually. I am not.

I don't want to live anymore. He took my life. I wish this gets over and I never want to fall for anyone else ever in my life.

The only relationship which now I think is true is the one with our parents. Just them. And just because of my parents, I cannot kill myself. They will not be able to bear this loss. But from inside, I am already dead. I don't understand why people don't understand the true meaning of loving someone, but they are just in a hurry to get into a relationship without realising that this would ruin someone who actually knows what true love is.

It's a request to everyone who is reading this, it's a request to you all - please, if you think you love someone, then first trust them because, without trust, there is no love.
Editor's Note:

Share this story to let this girl and so many others like her, to know that they can walk away, and there will be someone like you and me to support them.