I don’t know what future holds for me. Seriously, I just don’t! It's a completely blurred vision where I can’t see a thing.
My present is a complete roller-coaster ride. About 90 days of humiliation, curse words, useless feelings; followed by 90 minutes where I forget everything or maybe, my heart, brain and soul are so tired of fighting with the world that they stop reacting.
I am a 34-year-old Delhi girl who got married when I was 27 years old. It was a love marriage but both our parents consented to it.
I had known my husband since I was 22. He was divorced when I married him and the time we spent before and after our marriage is still the best time of my life. Now, we've been divorced for 5 years too, but I haven't been able to move on yet.
My parents were supportive of me when I decided to part ways with him, but I guess my biggest mistake was that I decided to come and stay with my parents. I do not know how it works with other families but my parents lost all the trust they ever had in me. I was never their favourite child but their behaviour was not what I had ever experienced!
I was in too much chaos mentally at that time and I really wanted some peace of mind. So I moved to Bangalore for a job.
I stayed there for three years. I saw my parents' behaviour turning positive and after three years, I thought it was time to head back (my parents wanted the same) and start afresh.
This was my second blunder.
My mom and dad were pretty ok initially when I moved back, but gradually, things started to get ugly again. They taunt me every now and then for my life, my divorce, all my actions, my tone, my behaviour.
They feel that each and everything I do is inappropriate and unacceptable. Not once have they sat down to discuss the reason behind my behaviour.
I started to think maybe they are right and decided to see a psychiatrist (let me tell you, I have been to two of them till date). Both of them had the exact same diagnosis: that I was wrong to stay with my parents because they refused to understand my mental situation and were unable to empathise with me.
Both my doctors gave me the exact same diagnosis on other things and gave me medication as well. But my parents weren't comfortable that I was on medication and I had to discontinue it. I relapsed.
I don't acknowledge or let myself feel like my parents don't love me. They love all their children equally, but they have trouble understanding me. Now I'm just in that mental state where I go to bed each night, wishing that I won't wake up the following morning. I've been more sensitive, compared to my siblings.
My family must be completely used to my behaviour by now, but one thing breaks my heart- I just wish that would understand me for once and be supportive of what I'm going through. Even if they hug me just once, it would make me stronger. My parents love burying themselves in work, or even household chores, instead of facing the situation and standing for me.
I cry myself to sleep each day. I have no idea what to do. Each morning, I wake up thinking that nothing will go wrong that day, but when I go back to bed that night, I have the same demons to fight.