It's Not A Sacrifice If It's For Your Daughter's Future, Right?

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 31 October, 2017

I belong to a conservative Brahmin family from Rajasthan. I am well educated and have a great job too. But in my culture, one can’t image a girl who isn’t married.

So, as I grew older, society’s pressure began unfolding on me and my family. Even my good friends began wondering why I’m still single and unmarried. Some said that my expectations were too high, some said that I should broaden my horizons... while all of this could be true, there’s no denying this feeling I had inside of me, of wanting to settle down with the man of my future.

Time kept passing us by, but nothing ever materialized. Finally, my family and I just reached a stage where we became so vulnerable that we accepted a match that wasn’t as great or perfect as we’d imagined, rather, hoped to find.
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During my roka phase, our families disagreed on numerous things, but no one said anything about calling off the wedding, and I let things go on, hoping that my new family would warm up to me as time passed by.

But this never happened. The fights kept increasing, the disagreements between our parents scared me a lot. The wedding arrangements kept going on and eventually, 15th of February, 2014, we got married.
It was a dream wedding, but this didn’t last too long and our honeymoon was when I began regretting my decision.
He began calling me names and kept telling me that I was too dumb for him. We were too opposite, in so many ways, and fought about every single thing.

I wasn’t allowed to say anything against him- if I did, I was too stubborn and had no respect for my husband and if I didn’t say anything, then of course, I was dumb.

Unlike married couples, we didn’t have any time to get to know each other or go out for movies, or dinners as a couple, because he wanted a baby, and soon.
I tried to ignore all of this and trust that a child could be the bond that we needed to fix whatever was wrong with us. A year later, I found out that I was pregnant and when I told him about it, I expected good news but unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

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We were blessed with a baby girl, but that couldn’t fix anything between us. I kept trying to find a reason to go and stay with my family, but this wasn’t the cure, but at least it helped me, for the moment.

There were some good moments in our relationship, some moments that made me smile and gave me some memories to cherish. But the bad ones, the wrong ones, the haunting ones, they’re too real and too many.

I gained a baby girl out of this relationship, but what I lost, were my friends, the warmth, and comfort of staying with my parents, the loneliness that I felt in the company of this man, the respect that I lost as I spent every single day with his family… I don’t know if this is worth it.

There are times when my husband screams and tells me to leave him… Sometimes, I want to, sometimes I can’t imagine how my family will react to this. All of this scares me. And now, with this baby girl, I’m not sure how staying without this man, her “father”, will help her as she grows up.

I don’t know what to do. How to handle this situation or where to find the strength from to leave him. I just don’t know what to do… I’m helpless.

Editor's Note:

Share this story because it takes a generation of broken mothers to make strong, young women.