I’m Hurt But If You’re Happy, I Can Justify My Pain

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 4 August, 2018

It’s been a year since the day I met you for the first time.

It’s been a while since I saw your face, heard your voice, touched your hands or even held you in my arms.

Yes, it’s been a while, and a lot has happened since. This special day makes me walk through all the memories I’ve had with you. I remember how gallantly you confessed your feelings without knowing that I did not feel the same way about you.

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How you kept hitting on me; you never stopped trying.

Ultimately, your flattering words made me fall for you. I remember feeling jittery when our eyes first met and when we kissed for the first time. I will never forget the first time you called me; I loved the roughness in your voice. My mind kept imagining all the possibilities of our first meeting. I vividly remember how you were able to read my feelings hidden behind every text message, even the simple “hmmm”.

I knew then that I’d fallen in love – with your careful words, your smooth moves, your flattering smile and your sparkling eyes.

Though I didn’t know what love really was. But I felt something special for you. My eyes would fill with tears whenever you were sad. Whenever I saw you, the butterflies in my stomach would flutter rapidly almost making me throw up. I craved to catch a glimpse of you. I shared every good and bad news with you.

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I don’t even know why I shared everything with you.

In the past year, so many things have changed between us. Like the changing seasons, our relationship has gone through various phases from chasing and liking to love and then nowhere. I don’t know what our current status is. We are not together anymore but I guess we never were or were we?

Was it just me who loved you or did you also love me?

I know that you can never answer all the unanswered questions and the 'what if’s' that keep rambling in the back of my head. With the passage of time, your absence is starting to feel normal. I find that I’ve stopped looking at my phone hoping that your name pops up.

Now you’re just over a 100 photos on my phone that I can’t get myself to delete.
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But my heart still grows heavier each time I think of you. I miss you and it’s hard because I crave the taste of your lips and I miss your touch.

I miss you so much that I can't stop the tears rolling down my cheeks.

But my hands can’t gather the courage to pick up the phone and call you or even send a text. The worst part is that I know that we can never be restored to our old selves and who we were together, but my heart yearns for you without regards to the facts. The fact that you’re gone and you’ll never be more than a memory that I love to remember.

The fear of losing you will always be there though I know I have already lost you.

I love you and I don’t see a day in the near future when the love I have for you will dissipate. However, I know that I need to move on. I wake up every day and hope that I no longer know the definition of ‘moving on’ but then I remember that it’s the best decision for me. I respect your decision and I want you to know that I hope you find fulfilment in your life and that you never experience what it is to have a gaping heart.

You hurt me, but as long as you’re happy I can justify the pain I feel and remind myself that I will be okay.
Editor's Note:

Share this story because the innocent heart often yearns what it cannot have.