Yes, I am married for three years now, and no, I don’t have a child.
Does that make me any inferior to you?
Do you know what it feels like, to witness someone announce their pregnancy?
Or experience an empty feeling deep within yourself, when you pass a woman walking, caressing her beautiful baby bump?
Well I do.
And before you start commenting incessantly and mindlessly, on my situation, take a moment, to truly understand what it feels like to be childless, and constantly reminded about it.
It’s a sharp pain: almost as if the weight of my empty womb is weighing me down. Constantly.
It’s not that I’m not happy for these women, or jealous, I only feel empty.
Crushed.
Incomplete.
Amidst all of this, my love life comes to a screeching halt.
Suddenly, the only purpose of having sex, is to have a child.
Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I are madly in love with each other, and I’m blessed to have him by my side during these trying times. But how many sleepless nights and swollen eyes can anyone live through? It’s tough, as a woman, because as much as I understand my need to be strong, and to truly believe that this will pass us by, it’s a pressure and it’s constantly testing me.
I’m an introvert. I can’t walk up to my friends or my family and talk about this. It feels like a burden that I shouldn’t share with anyone else, because they must be facing their own personal problems. I know it’s silly, and that family is always there for you in your troubled times, but even then, I find it tough.
And so, I let it all build up within me.
Adding to this, there’s societal pressure. And then, the worst kind, the pressure from my in-laws.
It’s surprising that as a woman, it’s tough for my mother-in-law to show some maturity to my plight.
Her words, they pierce me and leave me helpless. Each and every conversation, or a simple family dinner, ends with why we don’t have a baby yet.
Their longing to play with their grand-child is easy for me to understand, so why is it taking them so long to see it from my point of view?
My ache to hold my own baby…
I don’t even have the words to express the feeling, except that I’m empty, and them being a constant reminder of this, it’s painful.
There’s no one to blame here, I understand this, why can’t my in-laws? Or society? With all this tension in the house, my husband and I decided to move out. Living a life away from his parents did have its own set of pros and cons, but nevertheless, we could focus on us, on our issues and work, positively, towards our future.
I know, many people would think it’s unfair or illogical for my husband to pick me- but he hasn’t ‘picked’ anyone. He’s done what is right for the future child that this family is going to be blessed with.
This has brought us closer than I ever expected.
I remember, there were times when we both used to laugh and mock our situation, and I don’t think I can ever thank him enough for his undying courage for me. He has shown me what true love is; the fact that he hasn’t and will not let go of my hand in these hard times. His advice on our situation, his positivity towards our future, all of this has helped me reach the place I am today.
And to have someone come and wipe it all out, with a single thoughtless comment!
So no, being childless does not make me inferior to you.