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I'm A 30+ Single Mother And I Tried Getting Married Again: I Can't

( words)
*For representational purpose only.
I'm a 30+ single mom looking for a second chance because my parents want me to 'get settled' again.

Well, I'm already settled with a decent job, then why do I need to settle down? The answers I get are: "It is difficult to live alone", "People may take advantage of you", "For how long are you going to stay with your parents". After my ex-husband left me, I did face a lot of trouble. The major one was a person from my own family misbehaving with me. Maybe it is better to get remarried as per everyone's suggestion.

I, thus, started the hunt three years back and met many men through online matrimonial sites and few via newspapers. So, this is my story. 

The man who contacted me online really liked me and wanted to help me by marrying me. He wanted to "help me" even though I didn't need any. He was a married man and wanted to remarry as it is allowed in Islam. It is like social service. Well, I told him, "I don't need your help. I don't want to choose a Muslim guy only, and I'm open to other religions now."

The next one, he liked me a lot and it was love at first sight for him. I just couldn't believe in his 'online' first sight love. Many romantic messages came my way on the very first chat. It felt like I was chatting with a college going kid.

Well, he wanted my child to be with my parents but he still loved me! I didn't want to waste much time and so I moved on to the next matching alliance. Most of the online alliances turned me down as they didn't want my child and others were yet to break their first marriages.

Finding a groom online was definitely a waste of time so I had to try my next best option — newspaper. The experience was very different there as I had to respond via emails and phone calls. Since I had mentioned it very clearly in the ad about my child, I was hoping for some serious men to contact me. In fact, people were indeed very serious in discussing their future plans.

I attended all the calls but I pretended as if I was the bride's sister. The first call was from an elder brother who was desperate to get his brother married as soon as possible. I was perplexed when he said, "as soon as possible". He had only one request, that is, I should give his brother a child. On hearing this, I wanted to ask, "What the hell do you think I am?". Well, the man was polite and I responded with a 'No', politely.

The next man was ready to take care of my child but his only wish was that I should satisfy him very well. "Satisfy him." After a long pause, I said 'No' again. The next caller was ready to take care of my child but wanted to check if I did any family planning earlier. He wanted at least two kids after marriage. Well, I am not a factory that produces kids. 

I couldn't believe how blunt people were in their very first phone calls. I realized it too late that physical intimacy is more important than anything else. My first marriage ended because of this reason. I used to get a beating for the stupidest reasons in the world, which broke my self-confidence. I had to keep quiet because my parents were more bothered about the society than me. 

I still remember shivering whenever my ex-husband called my name out. My legs and hands would tremble with fear, I could not hold a glass of water without spilling it. He enjoyed it, whenever my hands shook with fear. Our physical relationship was always a forceful act that I hated to the core. 

One fine day, he left me saying I could never "satisfy him". I never understood how people enjoyed such a horrible act. After this kind of an experience, I didn't know how to deal with men's demands anymore. 

I certainly hope that not all men are the same but my attempt at giving marriage a second chance has failed. I'm happy to be on my own. I can do any job with perfection as I am not scared of anyone anymore. I love my life and I'll teach my child to live a fearless life.

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