I'd Rather Cry To Sleep Every Night Than Go Back To The Man Who Destroyed Me

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 19 October, 2018

It’s been a year now. Last year, on this very day, we took our first step into a new relationship. My head rested on your shoulder as we held hands and watched our first movie together.

Today, I stand alone in a whirl of memories, which are waiting to consume me.

I am a 24-year-old girl. My childhood wasn’t a pleasant one. I came from a broken family where I never received love from my dad. I was raised by my mom who did everything to keep us happy. I grew up being the “strong girl”. And I resented men.

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My heart was too scared to let someone in.

All I witnessed in my childhood was violence, which had shaken me as a person. I never discussed it with anyone. I cried myself to sleep on most of the nights. As a 10-year-old, all I perceived was the harsh reality of marriages and a woman’s constant struggle to save her marriage.

But for how long can someone stay strong?

I fell in love. Love as scary as the word sounds is an emotion that can take you to the shore or drown you. And it drowned me. This letter is to the guy who destroyed me emotionally and completely.

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D,

It’s been months now. I don’t know how you are doing. All I have is a load of memories that pierce through my heart and bring tears to my eyes. I wake up every morning thinking about what went wrong, I wake up thinking how different it would be to wake up with you.

I’m surrounded by a permanent anxiety.

Every time there is a call from an unknown number, I hope it’s you. Every anonymous text I receive makes my heart skip a beat.

My mind is restless, suffering from the guilt I don’t even deserve.
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I've been stuck ever since you said, “I don’t have feelings for you anymore”. Tell me, where did we go wrong? When we met, I was trying to heal from a traumatic relationship where my feelings were sidelined and blatantly ignored. I was just a toy to satisfy his sexual frustration.

I was kept hidden as if I were some dark secret that didn’t deserve to be revealed in front of the world.

In the lowest moments of my life, it was you who comforted me. You gave me your shoulder to lean on. You took care of me. I thought my struggle to find true love was finally over. I was so happy. I loved spending time with you. When we confessed our feelings to each other, it was the happiest day of my life.

I still remember the first day when I slept next to you; your arms hugging me tightly. After years, I felt that I was home. I slept so peacefully.

The feeling of being loved, the unfamiliar feeling of being someone’s priority, the feeling of someone being concerned about me; I was new to all of it. And I was happy.

Slowly you started losing interest. You made excuses of being busy. The once “beautiful, charming, ideal wife” became “boring and not so satisfying” for you.

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The only time you paid attention to me was when I removed my clothes.

The only time you responded was after 12 in the night when your frustrated desires wanted an outlet. I knew you had dreams. I knew you had exams to appear to. All I hoped for was a text from you. Was it too much to ask?

All you did was use my love and never give it back.

Tell me, were you that busy that you couldn’t spare 5 minutes for me? Were you so occupied that you couldn’t text me once in a day and ask if I was doing fine?

No longer did you ask for my photos nor did you find me pretty anymore.

It was all so obvious and I could see the end of the relationship glaring at me. But what could I do? I was in love with you. It was beyond my control. No matter what you did, I couldn’t stop loving you.

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I wanted to protest, I wanted to walk away. But this was the price I paid for loving you so much.

Then one day, you got drunk and kissed another girl. You confessed it to me. All I could do was cry. That was the day you killed my soul. You killed every ounce of my soul that wanted to believe in love. I still forgave you. Because I loved you.

But the day she came to your house and you made out with her again, I knew it was the end. I decided to leave. Now I know you are comfortable in her arms. Taking her to places you took me, touching her the way you touched me. Telling her things you once told me – happy and full of love.

There are times I want to curse you, hoping that something terrible happens to both of you. But that’s not the daughter my mom raised.

Though it kills me to imagine you with someone else, I convince myself to be strong and wish you happiness.

A part of me is still stuck in the places we went, the conversations we had and the laughs we shared. I am still at the same crossroads of life where you left me; still caught up in the lies that you told me.

I am still in the same place where you killed my soul and my will to love.

I just have one question for you. If all you wanted to do was leave, why did you come into my life? If all you wanted to do was push me into this valley of grief, why did you lure me with deceptive feelings of happiness?

I was a normal girl living my life. You came along and told me how beautiful I was.

You made me feel special and when I started believing it, you left.

It was like someone saying that the sky is beautiful, and you, being a child who has never seen it, start believing in it. That someone promises to teach you to fly. You give it your all because you want to see the sky. That someone promises to be by your side all along and when you finally reach the top and look for him, he has vanished. And you fall down with a loud thud on the ground.

I am that bird with the broken wing.

I wish you realize the mistake you made. I hope you cry the same way I do. I hope you realize that we are humans with feelings and not toys. If you didn’t want to get committed, you should have said so.

If all you wanted was my body, you should have said so.

It’s not right to hurt a loving heart. It’s not right to make promises and then stab someone in the back. You will never understand the damage you’ve done until the same thing happens to you.

You didn’t just hurt my love; you destroyed my belief in love.

You killed the loving person that I was. No more does love bring a smile on my face. Commitment scares me. People scare me. I don’t think I will ever love again; that’s the kind of fear that you have created in me.

The emptiness that sucks me in every morning, the demons that talk to me every night, the insecurities of not being good enough, the guilt of a mistake that I never committed.

I still miss you. I still think of the fairy tale of my life that I'd dreamt of with our daughter. Only now, it doesn’t include you.

I might cry to sleep every night, but I will never come back to you.

Am I angry on you? Yes! Do I love you? Yes, I still do. Because unfortunately a few of us mean the things we say, we give it our all and love without boundaries. People like you come along and change our perception, break our wings and kill our soul.

What you fail to realize is that we can fly even with our broken wings.

I will never forgive you. But I thank you for destroying me. Because I will be the most beautiful wreck you will ever see. You pretended to save me from drowning and all you did was push me further into the deep ocean.

You left me gasping, struggling for breath. But guess what, I survived.

From,

The girl whose trust you broke.

Sometimes, strong women fall in love with cowards. The kinds who won’t stand up for you, who don't care for you and will let you go, without a fight. People like these are reminders of whom we invest our love and trust in.

They are a reminder of the strength we possess to survive.

When someone cheats you, walk away. When someone no longer puts effort to keep you happy, walk away.

You deserve much more than half-hearted love.

Though the idea of love scares me to death, I still believe that something better awaits me. Maybe someone who doesn’t vanish when I open my eyes.

Or maybe the realization that I can fly on my own to see the beautiful sky.

There are times in life when you will doubt every single existence in this universe, every single smile, every ray of light and every beautiful dream. But don’t let the bad in this world take away the good from you.

You are beautiful, you are strong and you will fly.
Editor's Note:

Sometimes, it takes the worst situations to remind us of the strength we possess. Let's share this story and encourage every woman to stand up for herself, to embrace her strength and soar high in life.