I was 20 and he was 34 and separated from his wife when we first met. It all began as just something fun. I think he was probably trying to get lucky and me being over confident, I was sure that nothing would ever happen. He kept showing me his caring and flirtatious side and over time, we became great companions. Often, I used to tell him he should at least give it a try, his marriage, but it was all in vain.

Next, he lost touch with me. Completely. I was a bit surprised, by his behaviour but I made sure that I didn’t call or text him.

Soon, I thought that maybe he got busy with another woman and I was a bit too egoistic to call and confirm this.

4 months down the line, he called me again to tell me that he and his wife had decided to get back together; more so, because of his two-year-old kid. I was genuinely happy for them and thought maybe my advice had left some impact in his life. 

We knew each other for around a year now. Soon after he got his family on track, I realized that I might have fallen for him a bit. I tried not to overthink about this, but I wanted his attention, and I wanted all of it. Moreover, the fact that he’s a married man, I know that I shouldn’t compromise my values.

I still fought with myself and tried my best to keep my distance, but failed every single time. The more I tried to stay away from him, the more I wanted him. And he just didn’t make anything easier.

Before I knew it, I longed for a kiss. His kiss. It took me a day or two to realize that I was indulging in something sinful and began to feel guilty.

The guilt of this sinful love; the shame, the confusion, everything came hand in hand and I just couldn’t concentrate on anything. I kept trying to distract myself and kept thinking that he’s my “uncle’s age” and that “he’s married”, but nothing worked. All I could stay successful about was not letting him do more than just kiss and caress me.

I know he wanted more, but I kept him in line.

Because of this, I ended up falling sick and soon, into depression. I had nobody to discuss any of this with. By now, we knew each other for two and a half years, and I just couldn’t let him rule my life, but at the same time, I just couldn’t be without him either.

I was living in guilt and shame, but more importantly, his love – he owned me. Mentally, physically and emotionally: I was his to have and use. I tried to stop, I kept fighting myself but it just hurt me and no one else. There was a time when we both tried to stop ourselves, for our own good. But we just couldn’t. Now, it’s been 5 years and finally, we’ve succeeded to stop talking to each other.

We’ve tried to respect each other and his marriage. Something shameful happened, and it’s finally taken us some time to get perspective in our life. Although I still feel horrible about it, I guess everything happens for a good reason.

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