I Was Helplessly In Love But I Wasn't Selfish Enough To Hold Him Back

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 8 April, 2018

This is not an extraordinary story. In fact, it is a simple one that a 20-year-old like me encounters in her day-to-day life. It all began five years ago when I was in class 9.

I was an introvert with hardly any friends as I wasn't 'cool' like the others in the class.

Then I started going for tuition with my classmate and I’d never imagined that it would change my life. Though we belonged to the same class, I didn’t really know him.

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He was what people called a 'Casanova'. Gradually, we became close friends; he was my very first best and 'male' friend.

All was well until the day he proposed to me. It wasn't completely unexpected yet I said a blatant 'no' because I had always been taught to stay away from such things.

But I do not know how, why and when I fell for him and had to propose to him.

It was the 8th of January 2013 when we started dating. I never realized that life could be so beautiful. I was enjoying this new phase of my life. 10 days later, I got a huge shock when he told me that he’d been two-timing.

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I had not expected this yet I forgave him when he said that I was the only girl he loved. That was all that mattered to me.

Months passed by and everything was going smoothly. However, my parents started behaving strangely. They had sensed that something was going on. One day, my mom gently asked me to tell her everything.

I realized that it was futile to hide anything and told her about my relationship. I knew that she’d be slightly angry but would probably accept things, as both the families knew each other well.

But as luck would have it, my parents were furious. Though his parents supported us, the two families had to break all ties and we were told to stop all contact.

It came as a huge blow to me because I realized that he had already become a big part of my life. Even the thought of losing him sent shivers down my spine.
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This rough phase passed gradually and we continued to stay in touch secretly. However, I started feeling that he was drifting apart and was not the same as before. We joined the same school after our boards where several unexpected things awaited me.

The girl with whom he had two-timed me was in my class. I had to become friends with her because of our common friend circle. Then one day, he said he wanted to break up. I could feel my world turning upside down.

I had a feeling that something was wrong but I’d never imagined that he would leave me. My biggest fear had come true.

I tried asking him what went wrong, even pleading him to stay but it was all in vain. Later, as expected, I got to know that he broke up because he was dating the same girl. I was shocked to know that some of my close friends had also helped him. I decided to accept things the way they were but a month later, I received a text from him.

He apologized profusely and I, being so helplessly in love and eager to have him back, accepted him again.

This time, I was determined to give him so much love that he’d never leave me again. I did everything that he asked me to do even though he was no longer the same person I'd first dated.

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When we went on a school trip, he spent more time with the other girl, just like he did during school hours. Whenever I confronted him, he would ask me to trust him.

Thankfully, we girls sat together and discussed everything. I discovered that he'd been confessing his love to her and had also got intimate with her at the same time when he was with me!

I was heartbroken yet we did not break up because he pleaded for forgiveness.

My heart melted and I decided to give him one 'last' chance. However, he repeated the same mistake twice in the next two years. He would fall for another girl, drift away from me, get intimate with the other person and then come back and apologize to me.

Every time I'd tell myself that this was the last time and he was genuinely sorry from his heart. At the end of the day, even I wanted him back because I loved him too much and couldn’t think of living without him.

I did not realize that in the course of loving him helplessly, I had lost my self-respect and he had taken me for granted.
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The last time that he apologized and returned to me was on his birthday. Months passed by and soon we reached our 4th anniversary (keeping aside the breaks). At that time, we were truly and deeply in love. It was the best time of our courtship.

We met every day, spent hours together and accompanied each other everywhere. We celebrated our anniversary and Valentine’s Day and did everything that any couple would love to do. I loved giving him gifts and surprises.

It was a phase where we'd do anything to see a smile on each other's faces.

In short, life was beautiful like a fairy tale. We were ready to live this beautiful life together forever when suddenly, somebody informed my parents about us.

I still cannot believe that it happened but it did. My parents were shattered, as they had never expected this from me, especially after all that happened 4 years ago.

I never meant to hurt them but I couldn’t just fall out of love.

Though I had grown up since the last incident and by then, relationships had become a common thing within our age group, I couldn’t explain it to my parents. I knew they were worried about my future and did not want me to get distracted.

What I failed to make them understand was that he was the reason I was happy and staying away from him would distract me from studying.

My parents called him home to tell him to stay away from me. But he clearly told them that he was in love with their daughter. My parents were dumbstruck by his statement.

I hadn’t expected this either but it made me feel happy and proud of my love.

This incident came like a storm in our fairy tale and devastated everything. We couldn't meet. I wasn't allowed to leave my house alone nor could I speak to him much. I managed to keep texting him whenever possible.

That was the time when I realized that he had become a habit and not having him beside me was driving me crazy.

It was a matter of two months till my upcoming exams were over and I’d get a chance to get out of the house. But each passing day felt like a year.

Our communication reduced to such an extent that the fear of losing him started haunting me again.

I cried all day and spent sleepless nights. All I wanted was to run to him and hug him. I missed no opportunity to text him but I could sense that things were going wrong.

On one hand, my family was so angry with me that nobody spoke much with me while on the other, I missed him a lot.

All this added to my frustration. I started feeling insecure and increasingly possessive about him. But our relationship had already been affected.

He started acting indifferent and I could no longer feel the same love reciprocated from his side.

Things were getting worse and it was making me more desperate for him. Ultimately, he broke up with me. It happened just a week before my exams. He said he couldn't continue any longer.

I begged him to wait for just a few more days till my exams were over. I tried to assure him that things would get better once we started meeting again. I pleaded and cried, I asked for forgiveness for anything that I’d done wrong. But he did not listen. He simply left.

Today, it’s been a year since that day. People said that he left me because of my parents and my insecurities. They were probably right. Maybe, I did make him feel suffocated. I don't know.

They say I was obsessed with him but I don't think so. All I know is that I loved him, a lot, enough to let him go.

I realized that I could not be selfish and try to get him back when I was aware of the complications. He deserved a normal life and I couldn’t burden him with my problems.

He also took time to move on but eventually he did.

He is now happy with his newfound love. I am happy that he is happy. A smile on his face is all I ever wanted.

If he ever reads this, I just want to tell him, "Though you are happy with someone else and our paths are different, I still love you and will always do."

"I never really fell out of love since the day I fell for you."

"I hope God gives you all the happiness in life. If destiny desires, some day or in some parallel universe, we will be together forever and live the life we had always imagined."

Editor's Note:

Share this story if you believe that sometimes letting go of your attachments is the kindest thing to do for yourself.