I Was Always Careful In Matters Of The Heart But This Time, I Refuse To Move On

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 3 August, 2018

Dearest Jawber,

It’s been 12 days since I last heard your voice. But you know what, I remember it all too well. And that's the problem.

When I close my eyes, all I hear is you.
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Do you know you have four different types of voice? The first one is your happy voice, the cheerful one when you talk about the people you love or memorable stories about your past. The second is when you try to please people, the buttery voice like a small kid. The third one is my favourite when you wake up and your voice is deep and husky. The last voice is the one you’ve been using very often in the last few days.

The rude high pitched voice with short sentences and absolutely no emotions as if you are speaking only for the sake of speaking.

I am trying, really trying, to not think about you. However, I end up checking your ‘last seen’ on WhatsApp at least three times a day – as soon as I wake up, at 10 pm to check if you’ve returned safely from the gym and finally before I go to sleep, to check whether you’ve slept or not.

I don't look at your pictures anymore.
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But I do check your sister's account to see if she has uploaded any new pictures of you. And she had a few days back. The clean-shaven look is really nice; it makes you look young, which you are.

I still don't like your bearded look because it makes you look too old and rowdy.

Your sister had also uploaded an adorable picture of you as a baby. Did I tell you about the dream I once had? I dreamt of holding the 'baby you' while the 'adult you' watched from the corner of the hospital room. It was so peaceful; you didn't say anything nor did I. But the baby kept making adorable noises. It wasn't intentional dreaming if there is any such thing.

At that time, I didn't even know that I would end up loving you so much.

But it doesn’t matter now, maybe not to you. There are so many things happening in my life right now. And I want to share everything with you.

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It's not about me loving you but about how you were my best friend too.

How you’d call me every day and I would talk about the tiniest things that happened to me. I miss that; I miss telling you things. I see your number in my contact list and stare at it, controlling myself from calling you.

I deleted your number for an entire day but it didn’t help because I remember it all too well.

I have star marked your number too. Earlier, it was on top of my call log but then it dropped to the seventh position. So I star marked the number so it could be on top forever.

Since the last four days, I have been listening to a lot of loud music. I don't even know the names of the songs. It is just loud music that won’t let me think about anything else. The only time I don't struggle to keep myself occupied is at night.

One can cry freely at night because no one notices you.
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You should try doing that when you feel sad. Not that I want you to cry but it's peaceful.

I have also started playing with Lolita in Mobile Legends because she is your favourite hero. And I know that you know because you keep checking my playing history. I play with Lolita because I feel connected to you. Her skills, her movements, the attacks, and the way you control her; I’m doing the same too.

I know I am losing it.

Just six months ago, our lives were so good. And now there is nothing. I’m not accustomed to heartbreaks because I never let anyone come close to me. My intentions were the same with you as well. But I don't know how. And when things changed. It was my fault.

I’ve gone through a roller coaster of emotions in the past few days. I was very depressed and then I became extremely angry, miserable and lonely.

But I was mostly angry, not with you but with myself.
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How could I let this happen to me? Wasn't I the most careful person in matters of the heart? I wanted to move on too. I tried. But at the end, I couldn’t. I cannot stop thinking about you or talk about you even when I am with someone else too.

So, I have decided. I won't move on.

I’m not expecting anything in return. I just wanted you to stay as a good friend. That was all I wanted because I don't like people leaving me. But it's okay. I forgive you. My friends often ask me "What did you see in him?" And I go blank.

I can't tell them one single reason why I love you so much and that's the best part.

I love you without reason. When a reason ends, love ends too but with no reason, there is no possibility for love to end. I don't know how long I will keep loving you but I do know that at this very moment, I love you the most.

No one else can love you as much as I do.
Editor's Note:

It's hard to let go even when there is nothing left to hold on. Share this story for all the hearts that have been broken but continue to love.