I Was A Strong Working Woman Until I Made This Mistake And I Can't Get Over It

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 14 May, 2017

I’m Suhasni, I stay in New Delhi. Like many women in this city, I am strong-headed, self- sufficient and a practical individual.

I recently got married and soon enough, my destined fate caught up with me. Just after stepping into this new phase, I lost my job.

I was working with a startup in Gurgaon and things were going really well for me, before my boss, also the Founder of this organization, lost the desired prerequisites to make this business a successful one.

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It was 10 am, a Wednesday, when he broke this news to the entire team and then to me in his cabin. While I do respect that he did not make his aggression towards me public, I realized that it was time for me to quit without hesitation. Any damage to my self-respect is unbearable.

A month into the marriage, and suddenly I was nothing more than the girl that my husband married. I became jobless, dependent and more than anything, confused, unaware of what my next steps should be: I’ve always been carefree, like a bird. Especially since I’ve tasted success and have earned a living for myself.

But today, when I think about a new job, there are a lot of parameters to consider. I don’t want to be a typical corporate professional with no work-life balance. I want to take a wise decision that will stay with me in the long term. I want to be settled, both professionally and personally: it’s the only way I can enjoy both sides.

I do love this life, where I cook, watch television, take care of my husband and maintain societal relations, but I also want to follow my passion. Become an entrepreneur someday. All of this isn’t possible from the confines of my home.

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I have to take the plunge, if only I knew where, and how. I have all the necessary qualifications, capabilities and most importantly, the desire to achieve all that I’ve dreamt off, and yet, I’m hesitant. I find something stopping me.

I’ve never asked my father for a penny after I started earning, so I wasn't going to start with my husband. Soon, I started saving everything I could. I changed my spending habits because I can’t change my character. The values that are in me, won’t allow me to be a burden on anyone, not even my husband. 

It’s sad to think that I now think of myself as a burden. Things have changed. And slowly it seems as though, I was happier when I was on my own.

I’ve married a Delhi based middle class man who can take care of me and my needs without having me bring home a second salary. We did our financial calculations before getting married of course. Though, in the last two months, what may have seemed glorious ones to any outsider, there was a growing strain between my husband and I. Things stopped being the same. My idea of “after-marriage” changed too. I often find myself thinking, “Does money really buy happiness?” What’s worse is the honest answer that follows, "Yes. It does.”

I imagined a completely different life for myself when I was working. Not one like where there is no romance or excitement. My husband and I have stopped sharing our dreams or relishing in the pleasure of having them come true.

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Could this be because suddenly, I’ve become a housewife and almost nothing was expected of me? Yes.

It’s been a month after we sat and planned our future together. A month since we’ve been supportive of each other’s dreams. Slowly, everything is changing.

We’ve stopped talking about our marriage or our lives ahead. We’ve stopped going on our evening strolls, no conversation during dinner, we sleep at different times and we’ve even stopped making love.

Our routine is now to sit with open laptops every evening and apply for job positions in silence. Every morning at 6:30, I’m up doing household chores through the day and I'm left eagerly awaiting his return from the office. I crave for the time when I’ll be deserving enough for his love and attention. For him to want to spend time with me, take me out for dinners and make love to me again, just so I can feel him.

I don’t have a professional job, but I still do various things at home: Cooking, keeping the house clean, washing our clothes- all of which was not a life that I had before.

I try to think of a lot of ways to make my husband feel special. While these are not jobs that send me a text message on the first of every month with a fat salary being credited to my account, they’re still jobs. And it’s a lot more than what I’m used to.

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I shouldn’t need monetary supplements- all I need is my husband’s support. And without this, it will destroy me from within. Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to a life where all I needed to make me happy was a text message with the alert on the first of every month?

I know, it is necessary for a girl to make certain adjustments, but killing one’s individuality for this, it’s certainly not worth it.

I tried talking to him about this, told him how I hate seeing him so worried, when all I want is a few moments of peace and love with him when he’s back from a long day’s work. This agitated him, and he walked away, leaving his dinner untouched.

I tried again a few days later, hoping he would sense my concern and be willing to talk to me. All he said in reply was, “Saare pareshaan hain, not only you.”

This broke me completely. I stopped putting any effort into my marriage. I blamed myself, started hating myself, for not being the same person I was when we got married. I feel like I have failed him, and discussing this topic further would only infuriate him.

But raised like many is in this country are, I decided to shake it off, walk into the kitchen, get him a warm glass of milk to have with his medicines and whisper, “Good night.”