It all started when I had joined a new office. I still remember the first time I saw him. How can I forget that moment which led me to the darkest phase of my life?
I am an emotional girl who takes a long time to trust a person. I put on a strong exterior to ward off people who try to mess with me. But once I trust a person and give them a place in my heart, I will do anything for their happiness. Maybe that is my biggest weakness. But I also know that I am mentally stronger than most other girls.
When we went out on our first date, I was not ready to get into a relationship with him because he was a baniya. I practised a different religion and I did not want to go through a phase where he would be forced to choose between his parents and me. I knew he would end up doing what his parents wanted.
So I told him that we would be just friends and I did not want to enter into a relationship with him.
But he told me about his uncle had married a south Indian girl implying that he belonged to an open-minded family. I then told him that I did not want to date someone from the same office. He told me that he was about to resign and join a new company. The last thing I told him that day was, “I am not a girl who is comfortable with a person who tries to get close to me so you will always have to maintain that distance with me.”
I believed in being blunt. After that, I truthfully told him everything about me – my strengths, my weaknesses, my past and my ambitions.
He seemed like a nice, caring and sweet guy. He was like the man of my dreams though he did not know how to handle relationships.
I did not mind letting him make blunders. Those days were magical because I was OK with the small mistakes that he made. He proposed to me very sweetly and I was on cloud 9 for days.
It took me a while to get used to not seeing him every day after he resigned from the office in which we were working. I was still adapting to this when he dropped another bomb saying that he wanted to do his MBA. So he started preparing for GMAT. Now it became my job to make sure that our relationship was smooth sailing. I supported him when he was preparing for his exams.
I adjusted my entire schedule to cater to his wants - which meant leaving everything whenever he wanted to meet me, talking to him whenever he felt like talking with me and doing everything the way he wanted to.
I lived in south Delhi and he lived in west Delhi. But once he left our office, he never came to south or central Delhi again. I had to go to visit him and travel back home alone in cabs at night. Sadly, his GMAT score was not good so he now decided to start preparing for the UPSC exams. When he pitched this idea to his family, they were not pleased to hear it. They openly told him that he did not have the potential for this.
So I had to be more careful with his feelings and give him the support that his family refused.
It was at this time that he told me how he wanted to tell his family about me. But he said he would look like a fool if he did this now because on one hand he wanted to study and on the other hand he wanted to get involved with a girl. He said that they did not trust his potential and would assume that he was not serious about me either. So I decided not to bring up that topic till he realized his dream.
I realized that when we loved someone wholeheartedly, their dreams became our dreams. So I was content supporting him and seeing him work for his dreams.
I was not getting any younger but I had to reject all the proposals that my family found for me. I always gave them some excuse or the other. One day, I asked him to at least let me know if we had some kind of a future together.
He told me that his eldest brother had wanted to go in for a love marriage a few years back but his family had not accepted the girl because she belonged to a different community. He then said that I practised a different religion and he knew that his family would never accept me. He also said that his elder brother had a love marriage with a baniya girl but his mother had created a huge scene at home because the girl had a dark complexion. He then said that even I was not very fair.
I was shocked because he had never told me all this earlier. He was telling me all this after a year when this was the first thing that we had discussed before getting into a relationship.
I had really started loving him a lot by now and was quite confused about our future. But at this point, I could not even think of breaking up with him because he had his exams in a few months. I did not want to break his heart because there was no one else to support him. He could not get a good score the first time so he decided to give it another shot.
Meanwhile, his office had shifted to Noida so he had to shift there because he was studying too. He could not afford to waste time commuting which meant that we met less frequently now. We stopped going out and I decided to go to Noida to meet him so that he could concentrate on his exams. I had sprained my back at this time and though I was still recovering from it I would always go to meet him because he did not have the time to come over to my place. He failed to get a good score the second time too so he decided to give it up now.
We had already been in this relationship for 3 years and he meant the world to me now. I did feel foolish but I knew that my world revolved around him.
I was going away for a vacation with my family so I asked him what he wanted to do now. He said that he was still confused and would let me know when I returned back to India. When I came back, I accidentally found a text from his mother where they were discussing proposals for his marriage.
When I asked him about it, he said that he was going to tell me about it anyway. We had the worst fight ever that day. I had discussed all this with him before leaving and he had never told me anything about it. But we decided to behave normally and think about things with a cool mind. We spent an amazing month together when we went out for dates etc.
In the meantime, one of my office colleagues was trying to set me up with another guy so that I could get married to him. When I told him about this he was very upset. I was happy because things seemed normal to me now. But one day he told me that he had to meet a girl and consider getting married to her.
Obviously, I was upset. But I told him to call me after meeting that girl. When I got a call from him later that day he said he had agreed to marry her. I was shocked because he did not even discuss things with me before agreeing to marry her.
When he had told me he was meeting her, I had assumed he was just meeting her. I thought he would decide what to do later on. But he had already left for a vacation along with his family. I did not even get a chance to talk to him before he left. I did not know what to do. My whole world had come to a standstill.
I could not think, eat, sleep, work or do anything. I started having panic attacks. I vomited everything that I ate.
I just prayed. I prayed that all this would turn out to be a nightmare. When he came back, I wanted to talk to him. So I met him but I was shattered by what he told me. In fact, at that time I did not even understand what he had meant.
It was as if all my dreams had come crashing down around me. I felt as if I had lost everything. I thought of how I would jokingly tell him that I was his Radha and would ask him if he would be my Krishna. He would always look into my eyes and tell me that he loved me. I wondered if I would ever trust another man now when he did the same thing to me. I could still hear the words that he said to me when he broke up with me.
Next day, he came to my place and offered to take me to a doctor because I was not able to eat much. He felt I might die. I refused to do what he told me. So he met my mother that day and told her everything. I cried for days. I prayed for days. I lost 5 – 6 kg of weight and I did not even know what I was doing in the office. I had practically stopped eating and wanted to die because the pain was unbearable. All I thought about was him. My pulse would shoot up and I could feel my whole body shivering.
It took me a few days to compile all the facts. I realized that he had been using me for his pleasure and had played with my emotions. I had not lost my faith in love because of this experience.
But I had always thought that I was good at reading people. Yet I had failed to understand his intentions.
Two questions continue to haunt me. I had told him about the kind of person I was on the very first day itself. Then why did he choose to become involved with me? He could have found thousands of other girls who were interested in a time-pass relationship.
Had he told me about his intentions when we had just started meeting each other, I would have happily moved out of his life.
I also had a question for God. He knew me. Then why did he make me fall for such a guy? Maybe it was my ‘karma’ that was returning to me but I knew I had never hurt anyone like this. I knew it would take me a while to recover from all this and lead a normal life.
I did not die because of this experience but a small part of me had died forever.A part of me loved him so much that I prayed for his happiness but a part of me hated him too. But he had turned me into a monster that was filled with hate and unhappiness now.
The fact that he had left me was not hurting me so much. It was the way that he had dealt with me that I found ridiculous. I still lie down at night with tears in my eyes. I pray to God and ask him to stop the goddamn pain. I feel like a fool because I allowed him to do whatever he wanted. I had handed myself over to him on a silver platter but he had just used me and thrown me away like garbage. I still felt as if someone had asked me to hold their hand and help them cross the road and once they had reached the other side of the road they had thrown me under a bus.
I had loved him so much that I literally worshipped him.I had always stood by him and felt that he should have treated me with some dignity when he broke up with me.The worst part was he had never apologized to me for what he had done. An apology would not have fixed my broken heart. It would never have set things right.
But it would have helped me in restoring my pride, my dignity and my confidence. My broken heart would have healed and I would have learnt to love again.