I Thought I Would Find Love But I Only Learnt Never To Be Vulnerable Again

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 14 July, 2018

It was June 2017. Baddoo, a dating site, or better to put it as a sex site, which I wasn’t even aware of before this. I was on it, looking for a shoulder to cry on and depend on, someone to share things with. But there I found guys who were looking for sexual hookups. Hook up - a term I did not even know existed. After talking to a guy, this guy working in Sarita Vihar pinged me and asked me how I was doing, and for what purpose I am on the site. I said I am looking for a friend, he replied that it is more of a dating site and not a friendship site.

We then exchanged numbers.

At that time, I was working in Faridabad in a very small company. As I had to leave my previous organization due to politics and I was jobless, so I joined this one. We started talking and he gradually started talking dirty, to which I would reply, let’s search for a girl for you for all this, and he said, “tere mein kya kami hai". I was already heartbroken from my breakup in 2010, and after being with some guys, I couldn’t find my ex's replacement. I was in need of someone to share things with, not someone to have sex with. But this guy had this only aim. So we started talking and earlier he used to call me, message me and WhatsApp me all the time. After we did things once, and although I said to him that it’s all casual, I got attached to him post intimacy. It became more of a frequent thing. In the initial days, he would say “milne aaja” or “let’s go to a movie”.

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But one day when I told him, “let’s go to Jaipur”, he disclosed to me that he was already in a relationship with some girl. I was shattered, and I felt like I was cheated.

I told him we can no longer be in touch, but he was hell-bent on being in touch. He called me an n number of times, begging me not to leave him. I gave in and surrendered, we again started talking and one day he said to me, “you will enjoy ****-****.” Not knowing the meaning of this, I googled and found its meaning. I was speechless to hear such a thing from Rohit. I still wanted to be with him, and I was such an idiot because he spoke about his girlfriend at home for marriage and I happily became his sex toy. He was dating his girlfriend and simultaneously was with me too. I was fully aware of everything. One day he said, had I not been with guys he would have started dating me.

I took it seriously, but it was just fun’s sake for him. I was getting more close to him emotionally but I don’t know what exactly happened then. His parents didn’t approve of that girl and they broke up. Here I asked Rohit if we could get married, to which he replied, “we can’t because we aren’t compatible”. I am so attached to him now that I want him all the time. I can’t resist calling him, texting him, despite everything that he said about me and did to me. His parents are now looking for a match for him and he too is ready for it. I tried to change his behaviour toward me in this one year but he didn’t budge. I moved from casual to emotional but he is still stuck there, saying,

humari pehle hi baat ho gayi thi ki humara kuch serious nahi hai”.

Usko kaise samjhaau ki I didn’t do things for lust, I did it because I was searching for a partner which I found in him. Now he may get engaged anytime and I fear losing him, even though I am aware that he can never be mine. Mujhe samajh nahi aa raha mein kya karun. He now ignores me and doesn’t initiate conversations as he used to in the beginning. Does this prove he was just with me for sex because nothing changed in him in a year?

Editor's Note:

Share this story because it is a good reminder. Please do not expect people to "change" once they have been clear about their intentions.