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I Should Have Found Out When He Kept Ditching Our Wedding Plans

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I am a 30-year-old woman. I broke up with my boyfriend about 2 years back. But I am still struggling to forget him.

Marrying the man that my parents have selected for me seems like an impossible option to me right now.

My boyfriend and I had been in a relationship for almost 10 years. We were childhood friends and knew each other since our school days. He was my best friend cum well wisher cum support system.

I accepted his proposal without having any second thoughts because I trusted him more than anyone else. He had always been my strength.

We finally decided to get married about two years back after struggling a lot and experiencing several challenges. We belong to different castes and convincing our parents about our marriage was quite difficult. But our parents finally agreed to get us married. Both the families met and fixed our engagement and marriage dates. We were very happy and excited about the whole thing.

The engagement was supposed to take place after 2 months. But I noticed that my boyfriend’s behaviour had started changing after our families met. He had a careless attitude towards everything now and things started worsening as the engagement date approached.

We started fighting over petty things. He started comparing me with his bhabhi. I felt lowly when he did this and was very stressed and upset about his behaviour. He had also started avoiding me. But whenever I asked him about this, he would say that everything was alright.

My father is a heart patient. He had to undergo bypass surgery a few years back. My parents and I were very upset with their family. They too had noticed my boyfriend's careless attitude. He was not too interested in our marriage. I was really very scared at that time. I used to get panic attacks and was admitted to the hospital for several days. The doctors advised me to go in for psychological counselling. The doctors called him too but he didn’t come to visit me in the hospital. He just gave some silly excuse or the other.

But he would always say that he would be with me. He would then say that all this was happening because I was over thinking and I should refrain from getting so stressed about the whole thing. But then he would also tell me that I was physically and mentally ill. I would feel low about myself when he said such things.

I really could not understand why he was behaving like this at that time. He would insist that he was always with me but I could feel that we were drifting apart slowly.

One day he said that his parents had realized that if he married a girl belonging to a different caste, people of their society would definitely insult them. That is why his parents were disapproving of our marriage. He then said that he did not want to go against his parents’ wishes.

But I knew that all this was just rubbish. We had known each other for well over 10 years now. His parents knew me and had never objected to our relationship. My parents had asked them if they would have any issues because we belong to a different caste. My parents clearly told them that they did not want to force them to get their son married to me. But at that time they told us that they had no such issues. In fact, they told us that they had always liked me even as a child. They told us that they were happy about the whole thing and were willing to accept me as their daughter-in-law.

But despite our best efforts, things did not work out and one day he just left….leaving me all alone. We lost face in the society that we lived in. I did my best to convince him. I pleaded with his parents and asked them to think twice before breaking off our relationship. I told them that they were not doing the right thing because I had waited for 10 long years for this day. I had struggled a lot and gone out of the way to convince everyone about our marriage.

But neither my boyfriend nor his parents listened to me. They made me feel as if I was desperate to get married to him and be a part of their family.

I was unable to handle all this trauma and committed suicide but luckily I was saved. I then decided to become strong for the sake of my parents. I wanted to live for them now. Things between us ended around three years back.

I still feel dead from inside. But I just continue to live normally.

My parents are over 70 years of age. They are apprehensive about my future because I am their only child. They have started looking out for a groom for me. They want me to get over my trauma and move on with my life.

But I keep telling them that I will be able to live on my own for my whole life but I cannot even think of getting married to anyone else except him. I tell them that it is OK if he does not come back into my life but I cannot marry anyone else. 

Our break up was not just a breakup for me. It was like a divorce to me.

I have always considered myself as his wife.  In these past 10 years, he has been like a son to my parents. I was a bhabhi to all his brothers and sisters, a bahu to his parents and was a good devrani too. I had connected with all his family members at an emotional level and had played all my roles with dedication.

Our marriage seemed like a mere formality to both of us.
The moment he decided to leave me – I decided to live on my own.

But my parents disapprove of my decision and keep looking out for grooms for me. I waited for two long years for him to come back into my life. And one fine day he did come back too. He said he was sorry about what he had done to me and my family. He said he felt guilty about the whole thing. He wanted me to give him another chance so that he could rectify his mistake. He wanted me to forget the past so that both of us could move on with our lives. But even though he said all this, he continued with his casual attitude.

He did not put in any efforts to prove the true worth of his words and emotions.

I really wanted to know where I stood in our relationship. I wanted him to take a clear stance once and for all. My parents too asked me the same question. They wanted me to introspect and find out if my happiness lies with him alone. They said that if my boyfriend was serious about his words this time, stood by his words and was willing to get married to me, I should go in for a court marriage. They said they did not have any objection if I was happy about getting married to him.

But even today, whenever I ask him about what his true intentions are, he says he is trying to convince himself and his parents about our relationship. He never gives a clear-cut "Yes" or "No" answer. And time continues to pass in this manner.

Meanwhile, my parents suddenly fixed my engagement with another guy. I don’t know this guy. I don’t want to know him either. Right now my heart is filled with hatred and I feel stressed out. This is exactly how I felt two years back. I feel like ending my life.

I don’t want to repeat the mistake that I made earlier. But I am unable to handle the pain.

People say that my boyfriend will not marry me. They feel he is just playing with me. They think I should get married and forget him and his promises. All my friends and relatives say that once I get married everything will become fine. They say that such things happen and it is normal for everyone to feel like this.

But I don’t feel so. Deep inside I know that I will be unable to accept any other guy as my husband. I know that I will not be able to give that person the respect or love that he deserves. I feel I can’t ever be happy if I get married to any other person.

No matter how hard I try to do so, I am unable to forget him. I want to move on with my life but I feel so confused about the whole thing. I feel like I am experiencing the same depth of pain that I felt two years back.

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