I Pushed Him Away Because I Couldn't Bear Leading Him On Anymore

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 29 April, 2018

I am a 24-year-old girl who comes from a middle-class family. I had always put career first, ever since childhood. During the last year of my college, I fell in love with my senior. Unfortunately, our relationship lasted only for four months. I had to break up with him as my parents were against it. Soon after finishing college, I started working. There was this guy, whom I didn’t quite approve of initially. He seemed to be a rough person. He was my senior there. We would meet often due to the nature of our work. And we exchanged nothing more than casual greetings, most of the time.

One day we exchanged numbers for a work related matter. I was not over my ex then so I had not even thought of starting a relationship again so soon.

So this guy started initiating conversations with me, outside work. I was reluctant to talk initially but still replied to him as I did not want to have an issue at work. But as days passed, I was getting comfortable with him. We were becoming close friends. He knew everything about my past relationship. After around one month, I noticed that he was not as enthusiastic as before. He seemed to be gloomy. I asked him several times what happened. I think my subconscious mind knew the answer. Later he told me that he was in love with me.

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We are from different states, castes, and speak different languages, so everything is a problem. I really liked him. But I was not sure whether I loved him or not. I was confused and more afraid of my family. I didn’t want to spoil his life because of me. So, I encouraged him to see other matches. His engagement got fixed. All this while, we were talking. I wanted to stop but he didn’t want to. And more than that, I think I also wanted to be with him. We continued to have our late night chats and video calls. All the while he told me that he loved me only. As his engagement day got near, I realized I really love him. I was becoming more possessive of him.

But I had no choice. He too figured it out too, I think. He was getting engaged and I was heartbroken. I broke down and confessed to him that I’m ready to marry him.

He told me that he can’t do anything now as he has to do this for his family. He is getting married in 2 weeks. And I’m here heartbroken. I know I’m the one responsible for this. I took too much time to acknowledge my feelings and pushed him away. Now when he is getting married I’m feeling depressed and hopeless. I even thought of ending my life. But I don’t have the guts to do this. Yes, even now we talk but only occasionally. I really think I won’t get over him. When I was with him, I was very happy. I pushed my happiness away just for society and family. I really wish I could get him back. I know that he loves me even now.

Editor's Note:

I believe self awareness is a pre-requisite to commitment, and what you want/need/love should be based on your rules not society's. Share this story because this is a lesson to remember.