I Paid A Price To Earn His Approval And This Is What I Learnt From It

Swapna Stephen Swapna Stephen in Single Women Bad Women on 24 June, 2020

Have you ever changed yourself for someone? Have you taken extra time in front of the mirror to make him look at you for a minute? Have you deliberately gone to the other side just to be noticed by him? Did you laugh a little loudly in a group to be heard by him?

If you have done any of these things, I would say it's very natural yet absolutely unnecessary. This story of mine is a very small episode of my life where I was trying to gain a guy's approval. It was not exactly because I liked him, but it was because I considered him very worthy and it made me feel great about myself if I only gain his approval. But the more I tried to do that, the more uncomfortable he made me feel. 

I knew that I was a weak girl, both physically and mentally. I had realized the weak heart I have when I was around 18 years old. The smallest things can affect me, make me cry. And my greatest trouble was my memory that would not let me forget things quickly. Instead, the tiniest incident would stay alive in my memories for years. This guy whom I was talking about made it a point to cruelly pinpoint these qualities of mine every time something popped up. This made me feel bad about myself, for what I was and for what I am.
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Later, when I understood that I do not need his nod for my happiness, I just started being myself. I cried when I wanted to, laughed out loud no matter who was around, cracked jokes that I thought were good jokes, walked across him with head up high and didn't even turn to his side. It made me feel great, confident and strong. It made me feel worthy. 

Now, I'm just happy being me. If anyone doesn't find that worthwhile, you can always choose to walk out rather than bringing the pain in my own life. Here is something that I penned in my diary that day, 

'When the world criticizes your every action, be yourself

When your intention is considered purely insignificant, be yourself

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When you are questioned for every gesture, be yourself

When everybody wants to see others in you, be yourself

Be yourself, you will have to live only with yourself.

An important message to every girl like me: DO NOT TRADE YOUR AUTHENTICITY FOR APPROVAL.