I Loved You Both Equally Papa And All I Wanted To Hear From You Was, “Yes. You May.”

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 4 June, 2018

My room felt like hell to me right now. The ground beneath me looked like it was ready to suck me in. The roof above looked like it was ready to take me up. My bed seemed to be burning.

But I knew that actually, it was my heart….my soul that was burning.

Again a question popped up in my heart. It was the same question that had flitted in and out of my heart for these past few years.

Was I cheating someone?

I was still unable to find to find the right answer. I had never been satisfied with the answers that I had got so far.

Papa, I love you. And I love him as much as I love you. Not more. Not less. I love you both equally.

I can’t love anyone more than I love you. I don’t want to love anyone more than I love you.

You know I don’t know how to deal with this. My words are all broken. I am trying to find the right words to express myself. But I know I am actually trying to fix my mind so that it works in the right manner.

I wonder if my soul will be able to listen to my mind.

Papa – I know you want to take my hands in your hands. I know you can see the tears welling up in my eyes. You know what I want. No other words but a “Yes. I agree.” will comfort me now. I know you know how I feel about this. I know you are hiding your own pain behind your silence. I know you understand me. I know you can’t shut other people’s mouths. “Let them say what they want papa. It’s my life….and it’s yours too.” I knew I was mumbling these words to myself. I know you feel like holding my hands very tightly right now. I know you will give me your sage advice as usual. I know you will say, “The one who brought you into this will also help you find a way out of it.” I know you very well papa. I know I am not imagining all this.

It was 2 a.m. Yet I couldn't sleep. Maybe I was unable to sleep because I was awake in his dreams. I typed a long message and then pressed the backspace button repeatedly. I put my phone down and tried to sleep. I couldn’t sleep. I sat up. I could sense the tears rolling out of my eyes. I sensed someone’s presence.

Papa! I wished he would come to me. I wanted to see him one last time that night. I was thirsty to hear the words, “You may” from him. But I knew there was no one out there.

I took the phone and dialled his number. It was well past 2.30 a.m. but I was sure he was awake. He picked it up after the first ring. The “Hello” that I heard from the other end paralysed me. I sobbed.

He said "You'll be okay. Whatever happens, I'm with you. Relax."

I wanted to tell him, “No dear. You can’t be with me. It’s all about the last scene now.” I continued sobbing. He said, “I’m with you. No matter what happens you are mine. I love you. You’ll be okay.” I managed to say, “I want to see you.” I just couldn’t stop sobbing. He quickly said, “Sure. You say when and where. I’ll be there. You’ll be okay. I love you.” I said the same thing to him and continued crying. He said, “Take care. Don’t panic. Relax. Try to sleep. You’ll be okay by morning.” He then hung up.

I was no longer confused. I was no longer worried. I was no longer excited. I was no longer happy. I knew it was all about the last scene now.

“I want to hear you one last time. I want to talk to you one last time. I want to hug you one last time. I want to kiss you one last time. I want to feel the way you look at me one last time. I want to feel like I am yours one last time. I want to tell you “I love you” one last time. But I stopped myself from saying any of this.

He said, “Tell me what happened last night. You were offline too. I’m worried.” I just continued crying.

He said, “It’s going to be okay. You are going to be fine. I’m still here dear. I’m all ears. Tell me.”

He turned my face to him…..and I cried harder.
He said, “Okay. You cry but when you stop crying just make sure that you will not cry again for the same reason.” I cried even harder. He hugged me tightly. It seemed unbearable. I felt so safe in his hands.

He was finding it very difficult to utter even a single word. He said, “I knew this. I love you. But I expected this. But I love you. I knew you will get married to someone else. I love you. We did this despite knowing everything. I will always love you. You’ll be okay dear. I love you. How can I bear this….nope….I know I can. But how can you….I know you. You can’t bear this. I know….I love you. I’m helpless. I’m sorry.”

Thousands of words danced in front of his eyes. I simply could not control myself. He too was in a similar state but he did his best to remain stable..to comfort me….and his panic-stricken face made me cry even harder.
We struggled with our emotions for hours. We felt calmer now but not from inside. We sat silently. The silence was suffocating us now. We didn’t look at each other. We looked into each other. We saw the fear in each other’s hearts. We were scared of losing each other.

We were craving for each other. We craved to love each other. I would always say, “Love is eternal.” I believed in the eternally beautiful kind of love. But oh dear…now it was all about the last scene. We were here now …unable to end our love story…unable to pack up our emotions…unable to console each other…unable to figure out the situation that we were in…unable to leave each other…..we were filled with the fear of losing each other….Oh God…help us….

We went back to that day again in our minds and hearts……right to the very beginning. We looked at this day when everything had turned upside down in our lives.

The sun was about to set on our love story. The chapter was about to close. We didn’t know how we would move on without each other. All we knew was that it hurt. The reality hit us hard but we realized that we could never be…
Editor's Note:

Maybe youngsters can start by listening to their seniors and then help them redefine their beliefs. Maybe youngsters will understand why their seniors are saying what they are saying when they get the benefit of their experience and maturity. Let’s share this story because love knows no reason but it should also be strong enough to weather the seasons of life. As long as we are financially, emotionally, mentally and physically independent no one should really have a problem with our love.