I Love Him But I Have Enough Self-Respect To Stay Away From His Lust

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 8 April, 2018

One of my school seniors lived near my house. We did know each other and had spoken to each other casually a couple of times. But we had never really talked to each other for a long time now. After I finished school, I joined a college in Pune. He was studying in Bangalore at that time.

Sometime later, we started talking to each other on Facebook. And after a few months, we exchanged our numbers. Facebook chats soon turned into WhatsApp chats which turned into short duration calls which soon turned into long calls. It was during this time that he confessed that he had always had a crush on me since his school days.

He said that he had never expressed his feelings to me because I had been dating someone else back then.

The next few months were smooth sailing. We knew that both of us liked each other. We started dating.

We shared a long distance relationship so things were tough. But we gave our relationship our 100% because we wanted to make it work.

We had our vacations at the same time. So we could finally meet as a couple. We held hands, went on dates, kissed each other and fell more in love with each other. Everything was perfect.

Things continued in the same manner for the next two years. We did face a few ups and downs but we knew we loved each other too. He was now in his final year. He was under pressure because he wanted to get selected for the campus placements that were taking place in his college.

He wanted to be thorough with his preparations so he decided to cut himself away from me. We didn’t talk for days but I understood his predicament.

Only a few companies had visited his college that year and unfortunately, he did not get selected in the campus interviews. He was so upset that he broke up with me saying that he couldn’t afford to get distracted now. I understood his plight. But after a few days, he called me and said that he wanted to get back together because I was the best thing that had happened to him in his life so far.

He said that he was sure that he did not want to lose me.

I was happy to hear this because I really loved him. But he was very clear with me this time. He said he could not give me too much of his time so I should not have very high expectations from him. I agreed to all that he said. He started preparing for all his other entrance exams. I helped him throughout this stage. I neglected my own studies in order to help him out. While he was appearing for these exams, he met a girl and became friends with her. They started spending a lot of time with each other. I started feeling insecure.

When I discussed my insecurity with him, he laughed and kissed me saying that no one could ever take my place.

I was busy after that because my sister was getting married the next month. He too had his exams during this time. After a few days, I came to know that he had cleared his exams. He had not even informed me about it. I chanced upon this when I opened his Facebook chat with that girl. He had informed her about getting a job. He was asking her about her job because she too had cleared the exams. But he had not even bothered to tell me about it.

I was hurt that he had informed that girl about his job but not me – the person who had been by his side during his tough phase.

I fought with him because he knew that I had been waiting for so long to hear this from him. He just said, “It’s no big deal baby.” I was still feeling very hurt about it but he apologized sincerely. So I just let it go. He was posted in Bangalore. That girl too was posted in Bangalore. He was happy with his new group and his new office.

Once again he had no time for me. I was still the same stupid girl who loved him and understood him. So I just let it pass.

But after 3 months he got transferred to Mumbai. He was sad because he had to leave all his friends in Bangalore and come to Mumbai. But I was happy because he had come close to me now. We were just three hours away from each other. So he came to Pune and stayed with me in my flat on the weekends.

We did get physical with each other in every way but we had not yet had sex with each other. Somehow I was not yet ready for this. He got angry when I refused to have sex with him. And we had a heated conversation with each other. He did not force himself on me physically. But he was forcing himself on me mentally.

He said that he could have another relationship for this if he wanted to. He then said that he could even go to a prostitute if he wanted to. This went on for 2-3 months after which I broke up with him out of frustration.

I told him that his lust had taken over his love for me. He did his best to make things right in our relationship but it was too late now. Too many things had been said and done in these last three months. I was not ready to go back to him.
I loved him but I loved myself too.  And I chose myself over him.

It’s been a year now. I know he still loves me. I too love him. Maybe it is too late to go back now. But I still feel I learned a lot from this relationship.

Loving someone is about respecting the other person’s decisions - not forcing your opinions and decisions on them.
Author's Note:

P.S. If you are reading this and know that it’s me – just remember that I still love you. I miss you every day. I will always care for you. I know you love me too but sometimes it is better to let go of things to actually be happy being yourself.

Editor's Note:

Often things become easier for us when we know ourselves better. We are able to ‘let go’ of things/relationships when we know our priorities properly. Maybe we should all really focus on creating and developing our own identities first. Maybe then love will not overwhelm us so much. Maybe then we can go about leading simpler and happier lives. Let’s share this story and learn not to feel guilty and unhappy when we ‘let go’ of our loved ones.