I Lost Everything Because Of My Marriage, And Now I'm Losing My Husband Too

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 26 April, 2018

I belong to a conservative Brahmin family from Rajasthan. I am well educated and well settled in my job. But in our culture, one can't even imagine a girl staying unmarried.

So as my age started advancing, the societal pressure made my parents worry about finding a suitable match for me. Even some of my good friends started questioning me.

"There seems to be nothing wrong with you, so how come you are not getting married?" I really don't know where they get the idea that every woman needs to be married by default. I don't know what makes them think that women who have "something wrong" don't deserve to be married.

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I get unwanted advice to lower my expectations and broaden my horizon. Even though I have been brought up in a manner where I can accept things the way they are, somewhere deep down inside, I was also fascinated by the idea of being married, being in love, being pampered.

Time kept passing and nothing materialised. Finally, I reached a stage where my parents and I became so vulnerable that we accepted a match which we didn't even like in the first place. But we were under a lot of pressure and we gave in.

We had a Roka ceremony and our courtship began. During that period, our families had several disagreements. Ultimately, his family won all the arguments and got everything they wanted done according to their specifications.

I would get really frightened every time we had to take their dominance. But I didn't take any actions to keep the family honour safe.

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Finally, on 15th of February 2014, we were married. The wedding was a dream, followed by a nightmare of a honeymoon. The way he treated me made me regret the entire decision in all sorts of ways.

There was no trigger too small for him to start yelling at me and calling me dumb. I couldn't oppose anything. I couldn't have an opinion about anything. If I said even one small thing, my life would instantly become miserable. He would call me rigid, stubborn. I was yelled at for being disrespectful to him. "Why can't you adjust?" he would say. And if that upset me, I was told "You brought this on yourself. If you had not said that..."

Just like anybody else, I wanted to enjoy some time after the marriage. Go for drives, visit places, watch movies and have fun. But he was in such a hurry to have children that I was going to be a mother sooner than I was accepted as a wife. I was so shocked when I was pregnant that I didn't have the enthusiasm they do in advertisements. It was just after a month of our marriage! He couldn't take it that I was finding it hard to process the situation. He yelled at me and hurled all kinds of abuses. I took it with a pinch of salt and convinced myself that he would eventually realize his mistake. That day never came.

So the first year went by with mixed experiences. I gave birth to our daughter, at least. We were parents together. Our baby was active but she was cranky and difficult to manage. I still had a job and that made things even more difficult to manage. Our fights kept increasing. I used to grab any excuse to take a break and visit my parents.

Rarely, there were good moments- moments in which I felt lucky to have him as my husband. But most of the times, I felt scared and exposed. I used to keep wondering how I let this happen to me.

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What did I gain from this marriage, anyway? There was no companionship. I had lost my friends, I had forgotten how love was warm and supportive, I couldn't even have my parents. My career went to hell and I was lagging behind my peers.

The only thing I wanted was a loving husband who understood and participated in my life. And I didn't even deserve that.

There was only shouting and humiliation. There were constant reminders of how I'm a gavaar. "Get out of my house," became his go-to dialogue.

Now, my heart does not have any feeling for him, but I somehow do not have the courage to walk out of this marriage. I don't know what is holding me back but I can't take a decision.

Now, it's been almost 3 weeks since my husband spoke to me. He doesn't sleep in our room, goes away from wherever I am, doesn't eat anything I cook.

"Pack up your stuff and leave," he says. My parents tried to come to my defence but it was no good. He said all this happened because of me and my big mouth. My only crime is that I know my rights as a human being. I still don't know if I should leave or apologize to make this work again. I wish there was a sign from the universe.
Editor's Note:

Please share this story as a big shout out to men everywhere. They got to know that a world exists outside their heads also. It won't kill them to be polite and respectful to someone they chose to spend their life with.