All of us go through all kinds of ups and downs in our lives. But ‘love’ takes us on a roller-coaster ride. It shows us all the colours in the sky but it also takes us through the darkest of dens.
I am 30 now and I am completely broken by love. I have always been a tomboy. Love was not my kind of thing at all. Like everyone else, I just wanted to achieve my goals and make my parents happy. I would often look at couples and wonder how a person could fall in love with someone.
I would first see them talking to each other for hours. Then I would see them crying for life. That’s when I decided that I would not fall or fail in love. I knew I was a very emotional person. I just couldn’t take that kind of shit in my life.
I have an attractive personality so I always got a lot of attention. I also got some serious proposals. But I never felt anything for anyone. I never even tried to have an affair.
I did not like playing with other people’s feelings. I knew that I may have a lot of plans for my life but life too would have it's own plans for me.
When I was 25, one of my best friends proposed to me. He was a funny and understanding guy – everything that a girl would look for in a guy at that age. At first, I thought he was not serious about it. I thought we were just getting attracted to each other. But as time passed, I felt some kind of a strong connection with him. I wanted to get into this relationship with a very clear mind. So I took my time to decide about it. I didn’t want to play with his feelings. He too did not force me or try to convince me about getting into a relationship.
He was the way he always was with me. This made me feel like I was a little more special to him now. I thought he would be with me regardless of my final decision.
Four months later, I decided that he was the one for me. I knew I could give him my best. I knew I could move on in life with him. I felt that I could stand strong without leaving him regardless of the situations that we faced in our lives.
I just listened to my heart and said, “Yes” to him.
As days passed, my feelings for him grew stronger. But I could sense that his feelings for me were changing. He lied to me over trivial matters. All through these years, he had always shared all his feelings and thoughts with me. I never had to ask him about it. But now he started hiding things from me. Slowly our small fights turned into big ones. We always thought of things in a similar manner. But now we started arguing about every damn thing. Most of the fights were not even necessary.
I was angry because I could see him changing every day. I knew I would never lie like that. But I couldn’t accept his lies either.
One day, he wanted to share something with me. His father was suffering from cancer. I was with him through this entire phase. We did not argue about anything because his father was undergoing treatment at that time. He would talk to me to clear his mind. It was like old times again. Even after his father’s death, I was there with him.
I did not complain about anything. I made no demands on him. My only aim was to cheer him up and make him happy.
I prepared myself mentally too. I knew his mother would always live with us now. But all of a sudden he thought we were not compatible. He said he couldn’t see a future with me.
That was it. He ended the relationship without even thinking of me. Not once did it strike him that I too was a part of our relationship.
I had only one question for him. I said, “What was the actual reason for your decision? You knew me as a person ever since I was a child. Why did you do this to me if you were not clear about it in your head?”
I guess life always gives us the answers to our questions in its own way and at its own pace.
He had never allowed me to discuss our relationship with our common friends. He had always wanted it to be a secret. He was shocked when he came to know that my mother knew about it. My mother was happy about my breakup because she had never liked him very much. She felt his family was below our standard. But I never thought of it that way.
I could never really understand his intentions. Did he prefer being in a casual relationship with me? Was he ever serious about me? Maybe he suddenly realized that his mother may not like me as his bride.
The entire incident shattered me. I cried for months together. All kinds of thoughts plagued my mind. I wanted to know why he had done this to me. I wondered where I had gone wrong. I had given him all my love yet he had opted to break up with me. I was depressed. So I had to take anti-stress pills. Thanks to my mother and a few friends, I finally started leading a normal life after a long while.
I now felt like my old self again. I decided to start my life on a fresh note now.
I had a job so I wanted to focus on my career. I had all the support that I wanted but I was still broken from inside. I felt I was living my life for the sake of my parents. I learnt to put on a fake smile all the time.
I was my usual witty self but I had a void in my heart now.
I was very clear about one thing now. I would never get involved with anyone else emotionally. I would get married to make my parents happy. I was good at doing my duties and I would do so without complaining.
But like I mentioned earlier, life always had a different plan for us. It will test us in completely different ways when we least expect it.
I had to go to a different city for official reasons. That is when I came in touch with another old friend again. We had been friends for the last 6 years. We had always shared a bond of close friendship with each other. We would always share our thoughts, feelings and secrets with each other whenever we chatted. We would open our heart out to each other.
We never really met in the real world. But we spent long hours chatting on our phones and shared a deep connection with each other. Both of us were good at poetry and this brought us closer to each other.
He had a girlfriend. I knew about it but we never really discussed it. I knew he had a soft corner for me. I was more than just a friend to him.
I never encouraged him in any way because I knew he was with someone else already.
He decided to marry his girlfriend but he seemed confused too. I felt I would lose him, so I asked him a question a few days before he got married. I said, “Do you really want this to happen? Do you have a choice in the matter?” He said, “Yes!” That was the first time we hugged each other.
We had so many thoughts in our minds now. But we had to keep them to ourselves. He then left with an enigmatic expression on his face.
A day before he was to get married, he asked me if I liked him like a life partner. But I didn’t give him a clear “Yes” or “No” answer because that was not the right time to say anything to him. All I can say now is that he got married to the love of his life two years back.
I had to travel to his city for my official work again last year. We met thrice in two months. We chatted to our heart's content and thought of all the times that we had spent together. I then left the city.
His wife did not like the fact that we were friends. We had just met and talked to each other because we shared that deep connection with each other. Both of us felt there was nothing wrong with it. So I couldn’t understand why she disliked our friendship so much. He too had several issues in his marriage but when we discussed it we realized that problems were a part of all relationships.
We continued with our friendship but decided not to show our friendship to the outside world. We continued living our lives but always kept in touch with each other.
After several months, I had to visit his city again. His wife was away at that time. So we met several times. We called each other often and shared all the things that were happening in our respective lives with each other.
We connected at a different level now. Things turned out quite differently between us this time.
We realized that we shared a bond of love with each other. We were becoming close to each other.
I knew what this would lead to. I knew what would happen next. I also knew I would be left alone at the end of it all. Yet, I couldn’t control my feelings for him. It was the same for him too.
We stole three days of time from the society that we lived in. During these three days, we lived our lives the way we wanted to. We thought we could get back to sharing our old bond again after this ended.
But those three days shook everything between us.
We wanted to say so many things to each other but couldn’t. I wanted him to be with me like before. But his behaviour towards me changed completely. I knew he was suffering in some way.
I didn’t know whether he had started feeling guilty or whether he was just unable to accept that all this had happened between us. Maybe I was just a fling to him and this had caused him to break down emotionally.
When I saw him suffering, I too started feeling guilty. I wished we could go back to that previous stage of our relationship in which we were just two good friends who loved each other.
We both knew nothing would come out of the time that we had spent together. Yet all this happened in our lives. The love that we had shared before this was good enough for both of us. Why then had all this happened now? Why did all this not happen between us when we had all the time in the world in our past?
I don’t feel guilty for loving a married man. I would feel guilty only if he didn’t reciprocate the love that I had for him. I had never had such questions in my mind earlier. But when I see his behaviour now, I start questioning my own beliefs.
I am going to leave his city in a couple of days. I just want to meet him over a cup of coffee. But he is avoiding me now. I said, “I don’t want any kind of commitment from you. Let’s just talk and meet normally to make things better between us.”
I feel some things happen for a reason. Right now, I know I am in great pain but I know I have to live with this pain now. At the end of it all, I am the only one who is standing alone.