I Have Started To Pity Myself And That's The Scariest Feeling In The World

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 12 September, 2017

Sometimes I wonder, “Is there anyone who really knows me?”

What I like, what I don’t, even the small things like my favorite movie… All these things seem so small, so trivial, but they carry a heavy soul.

Ever since my first heartbreak, I buried my real self deep within; never even opening up to the one whom I loved so much! I did it because I believed that if you reveal your weakness to people, you’re the only one who gets disappointed, often by the people you trusted the most, who knew everything about you. And that hurts even harder. But I’ve started to feel that I was probably wrong; or may be not.

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Sometimes I feel that had I not changed the way I expressed myself to people, I wouldn’t have gone through a second heartbreak. Who knows!

Everything is destined and heartache changes us all.

I wonder whether I will change myself now? Probably, yes. And I hope the change will be for the good. Lately, I feel that every step is making me an emotionless, insensitive, careless, unloving person, which will eventually affect my life. Or may be, it will make me strong enough to break again!

But no, I will stay safe, safe from another heartbreak. Even if an innocent soul suffers due to my ignorance, I can’t help it.

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I won’t give anyone else the chance to hurt me again.

Sometimes, I sit in silence and ask myself, “What is it that I’ve asked for in any relationship?” Just a little honesty, love that never fades, or at least a relationship were we stick by each other’s side even when there are ups and downs, someone who keeps his words and doesn’t leave it all midway for nothing; someone whom I can rely on. Is it too much to ask for?

All I did was love a person with his all flaws, because after all, no one is perfect. Right?

In return, I wished for the same. But it feels so horribly funny that nobody has known the real me in the last 25 years. There’s no one! Probably that’s how life is. It is not like the movies, which I always relate myself with. I can’t help but notice how things that happen in my life are so similar to a movie! Or maybe it’s just my mindset.

I don’t know if I’m growing or falling apart each day.
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I have started to pity myself; a person who hates being pitied by others is now feeling sorry for herself! What can be more shattering? I still believe that there is an innocent kid within me, which I don’t ever want to kill.

I believe that someday my life will be like a movie where everything is good and ends on a happy note. It will be my happily ever after.

I believe in miracles and the little signs that we get, but refuse to accept. It gives me hints every now and then, but as of now I am unable to see the clear picture. I believe someday everything will be better, until then, I’m hanging on, without expecting much, or giving you absolutely any clue about how much I love you. No more expressing myself! Trust me, I have alexithymia.

I surpassed it to express my love, even though it was the hardest thing for me.

Now, I’m just waiting for the movie of my life to take a new turn, much like "Yeh Jawani Hain Deewani." Sounds filmy, but such is my life.