Life is again about to begin after a full stop. A full stop of eight years and still counting. But I hope this time destiny will have some mercy on me.
It all started when at the age of 21, I unexpectedly got married and at the age of 22, I started living separately from my husband.
The full stop started from there. The initial years were like hell. The neighbours and so-called well-wishers made my life difficult. But with time, when new gossips started to pour in, my topic started to fade just like old news in the newspaper. Life also changed a lot when I became financially independent after having a job away from home. But the road until now was not an easy one.
I had my shares of ups and downs.
I had met people who treated me like shit, looked down on me just because I was separated from my husband. But I also met people who stood by me in every situation. I found friends for life and also made foes in that period. Apart from these teachings, my life was stagnant otherwise.
I got plenty of opportunities to get hooked again but I was scared.
I always feared what if life gets unfair again. In that dilemma, I lost many opportunities and with it some opportunists too. Some tried to soothe my pain at a price while some tried to take advantage just because I was broken. But as the saying goes, “Bitten once, careful twice.” I became extra careful.
I started analyzing each and every proposal with plenty of care and whenever I saw slightest of mismatch in opinion or character, I backed off.
But this also led to the feeling of disbelief in me. Whenever I met a potential partner, my defence mechanism would automatically spring into action and in most cases, I would drop the idea of getting involved in a relationship. I don’t know why it turned out like this in most of the cases. But I can’t get past the feeling of being cheated again. The trauma still haunts me.
Many things did not turn the way I wanted it to be. But in all this, I tried my level best to adopt the best possible habit and lifestyle I could bring in my life. I tried to be the best person I can be in this life. Staying positive is an everyday struggle but I am always trying my best to keep a brave face, smile and carry on with life.
But deep down, somewhere something died long back. Was it my innocence, my compassion or my ability to trust people? I don’t know.
But something had changed and it changed forever. Whenever I look back, I can't relate to the person I was and the person I am now. I changed and the change brought its share of stubbornness, strong-headedness, and emotionlessness. I became blunt, practical, and rational and this started to mark the full stop of my life. I am trying my best to get past it and put an end to this full stop.
But whenever love is at my doorstep, my insecurities scream louder than the knock in my heart and the knock dies somewhere amidst those screams.
I was till now afraid to lose myself again, Cupid was determined to strike me and it did. So the full stop is about to end and a new line is about to begin in my life. But the only thing that keeps on bothering me is the fact that this life is starting after a long full stop.
Is this line correct or will I need an eraser again?