I still remember the day when I saw him for the first time. He was the guy of my dreams. It was our first date, which lasted for nine hours!
We confessed our love for each other on the very first date.
Though we were studying in different cities, our love blossomed with every passing day. During the last semester of our engineering degree, both of got jobs in NCR. He was already studying there, and it was time for me to move there. Even before I could move there, he had made all the arrangements for my stay. He also checked my new workplace and ensured that everything was perfect for me.
Our long distance relationship had finally ended, and we were together. We were madly in love with each other. As the days passed, our love got stronger.
I never missed an opportunity to make him happy and he never skipped any chance to make all my cheesy girly wishes come true.
He was not the kind of guy who would buy chocolates or flowers, but he lovingly did it just to see me happy. We never realized when we completed five years of togetherness. But our happiness didn’t last long. Due to family issues, I was forced to break the heart that I had nurtured for five years.
I made every possible effort for him to hate me and did everything I could to push him away from me.
And he went away. I started talking to another guy from an arrange marriage perspective, but there was not a single day when I didn’t think of him or cry for him.
A few days later, I moved to a new city with the hope that he had also moved to the same city. However, a mutual friend then told me that he had moved out of the country. The guy I was talking to sensed that I was still in love with someone else.
I had also realized that I could never be happy without him but I didn’t know what to do.
I honestly told the other guy that I was unable to forget my past and hence I wouldn’t be able to marry him. He was very mature and respected my decision. Now, I had only one objective in life, and that was to get my love back.
Then one day, the love of my life approached me on Facebook, as he wanted to know if I was doing fine. I couldn’t control myself and begged him to come back into my life because every day was getting harder for me. However, he confessed that after I'd broken up with him, he'd started seeing another girl who was his friend.
I still tried my best to get him back but he didn't reciprocate my feelings.
Around the same time, his mom told me that he was coming to India to visit his family. His mother and I shared a good relationship, and she had forgiven me for my mistake. Finally, the day arrived when I saw him after eight long months at a mutual friend’s house in Mumbai.
I was wearing a red kurta with a patyala salwar and big jhumkas that he loved. As the doorbell rang, my heart started beating rapidly. My friend opened the door, and there he was, standing in front of my eyes. I couldn’t stop looking at him even as my eyes brimmed with tears. He walked towards me, and I couldn’t control myself, I hugged him like I wanted to touch his soul.
I wanted to tell him that I belonged only to him.
My tears didn’t stop, as they wanted to wash away all the bad memories. He wiped my tears and calmed me down, gently asking me what I wanted from him. After listening to me, he said that he was in a relationship with the girl who had helped him get over me. But my heart believed that he couldn’t love any other girl.
I tried getting close to him, tried holding his hand, but he moved away. I don’t know what happened to him, but the next morning, he said that he’d come back to me. I was in seventh heaven. His family was also in Mumbai, and his mother arranged for me to meet his whole family. I met all of them, and they liked and accepted me as their future daughter-in-law.
However, amidst this happiness, there was a nagging feeling in my heart that he was not the same as before.
After that meeting, both of us went back to our respective cities. We spoke to each other every day, but something was missing from his side. I thought that things would become better with time, but that feeling was always missing.
We were planning to get married in the coming year. Our families met, and I started dreaming about the wedding like any average girl. I started thinking about the colour of my lehenga, the entry of the bride, honeymoon and so on because after all, I was going to tie the knot with the love of my life.
I don’t know why I felt that something was missing from his side and I was sure that it was not because of the long distance.
I had a feeling that he was still stuck in the zone when I broke up with him and tried everything to make him hate me. I started thinking that he was marrying me only because his family liked me. The spark between us was lost. I also felt that he was probably in touch with the girl he dated after we broke up.
I couldn’t help but wonder how close they were and why wasn't he able to come close to me.
Ultimately, I decided to confront him, and my biggest fear came true. He was still talking to her. He said that he couldn’t leave her. His statement and the feeling that he was being forced to be with me broke my heart. It was too much for me to handle. I decided to move away from everything. I changed my job and moved to a new city, and that helped me.
Gradually, I stopped talking to him because several things were going on in my mind. Every night I would get dreams about him getting intimate with the other girl, and it was killing me from within. When he came to see me and check what was wrong, I broke up with him again. I informed my family.
I avoided his mother’s calls because I couldn’t tell her that her son was in love with another woman.
We had stopped talking when I got a fantastic job offer in the same country where he was working. I moved to the new country, and my whole family felt that it was because of him, but I clearly told them that it was only because of my career.
At the back of my mind and heart, it was him and the hope that maybe one day our paths would cross again.
And it did happen. We coincidentally met in a mall and went out for coffee. The moment I saw him, my eyes welled up with tears, and as always, he enquired if I was all right. The mall was crowded, but I was not able to control my emotions, and my tears kept flowing as I spoke to him.
We talked about our lives, and I told him that I was meeting prospective matches for marriage. He consoled me and brought me tissues to wipe my tears. When he said that we should leave, I kept forcing him to stay for just two more minutes. Eventually, he dropped me to my place. When I bid him goodbye, I froze.
This was the hug that I had been craving for, the feeling that I’d been missing after our first time break up.
We hugged twice, and I held his hand because I didn’t want to let him go but he had to. cried day and night. Finally, I decided to go to India to see my family. There, I got a message from him that he had left the job and would be shifting back to India. This news shattered me, and I just wanted to find a way to make him stay back.
I went back and spoke to him over the phone. I was crying like a baby, and he was perplexed and frustrated. I told him everything that I’d felt before calling off our relationship.
I asked him why hadn’t he held my hand when I tried, why hadn’t he hugged me back tightly when I needed him. There were so many why's.
The next day, we met and went to a restaurant where we ordered all our favourite Indian dishes. After we finished, we started walking towards the metro, and I gathered my courage and held his little finger.
I wasn’t sure how he’d respond but he shocked me by gripping my hand tightly.
I wanted to dance right there on the road; my heart was already dancing. We kept walking and talking while still holding each other’s hands. I asked him to stop for a cup of tea because I wanted to request one more chance at our relationship. But he got angry when I shared my feelings. He said that nothing was possible between us because his family was looking for a girl for him and things were headed in a positive direction.
Once again, I thought that he was lying. We reached the metro. I hugged him and, he held me tightly. I can still feel the warmth of his hug.
People were looking at us but we didn’t care.
We struggled to come out of the embrace. I started walking in my direction, wiping my tears, when I turned back and saw that he was still there, watching me. I stopped and looked at him and once again, I couldn’t control my tears. After that meeting, I tried hard to find him a job in the same country, but destiny had other plans.
The last time that I saw him was on the beach. We sat quietly, admiring the sunset and listening to the waves. As we walked to the waves, we held hands. As the day came to an end, we took the same metro and headed to our respective destinations. Little did I know that it was the last time that I’d be with him.
The day arrived when he was flying back to India. I wanted to meet him, but his friends went to see him off.
Deep in my heart, I hoped and believed that he would come back to me because we were meant for each other.
But I was wrong. After going back to India, he got engaged to a girl chosen by his parents. He confessed that he was still in love with me but could not come back to me. Honestly, I understand his situation, but the only thing that makes me furious is why did he ignite the love that had been buried under so many layers?
Why did he make me feel that he loved me when he had plans to go away?
Why didn’t he express this love when I was dreaming about our marriage? Why didn’t he feel all this before! He is getting married soon, but he wants us to stay connected because our feelings for each other will never die. But I don’t want to be the other woman in his life.
There is not a single moment when I don’t think about him, I dream about him every night, and my eyes are still not tired of crying.
I still love to talk about him for hours and I do, every person who is even slightly close to me knows about him because I am still in love with him.
I don’t like to talk to him because I want him to focus on his marriage, but my heart still beats for him. He was, is and will always be irreplaceable. I love you Gopu, and I miss you with every beat of my heart!