Love is such a significant need in life, be it love from parents, family, relationships. We always crave the warmth and care that comes out of it, and I am no exception, but now at this moment, when I rewind my life and look at my present, I feel my quota for that love is still empty.

I am a single girl child. My mother always wanted a boy, though she never mistreated me and forever took care of my needs, but I longed for that affection from her, which I used to observe between other mothers and daughters. As a kid, I wanted her to hug me more, pamper me like other mothers around me did with their kids. She never did that. She just followed her motherly duties. When I grew up, I confronted her; she replied, "This is how I express love. To feed you, take care of your needs, your dad's needs, take care of the house. For me, this is love. I don't know what you are talking about." 

My mother has proved to be, in all aspects, a devoted wife and mother. However, I always longed for that warmth from her. I couldn't even share my feelings with her as a teenager. Even today, as a grown-up woman, there is no connection between us. I was closer to my dad, but I was never my mother's cup of tea. They had a rough marriage, but somehow they managed to overcome all the obstacles and just passed the time with their respective responsibilities. Their hard marriage took a toll on my thinking, and for long, I believed that to marry someone, you should be in love with that person. So, your children don't suffer. I thought that marriage was hard enough, plus a girl child made my mother emotionally paralyzed towards my dad and me. She just finished her duties though as a mother. It never mattered to my dad either as he was sailing in the same boat as her. 

Somehow I grew out of that feeling, and I always tried to make my parents proud. I studied well till my high school, and all that mattered to me was to achieve all those goals and live the life my parents wanted for me. 

Everything was fine until I met this guy who was my high school classmate, but we never spoke during high school. We started talking when I was in my graduation, and he was pursuing another stream. I always had a secret crush on him, but then it was him as well who had a crush on me. Long story short, we carried our bond for eight years, in which the last three years were purely my struggle to keep him in my life. For him, I was always a best friend.

He tortured me mentally. I could not talk to any other person; if any of my male classmates even texted me, he would go mad. I had to report to him my every activity. Earlier it was fine, but later on, it started to suffocate me. He would be jealous, possessive, caring, all that a lover is, but I was always his so-called best friend. I never left that city to pursue my career because of him. I left everything I loved, for him. I pleaded him to stay in my life when he threatened me that he would leave and change his number. I cried so many nights due to the pain he showered upon me.

There were times when I gathered my courage and avoided him, but then he came back again and again, saying he was missing me. It made me very happy. That happiness won't last long as he would behave the same way again. I was only his so-called best friend "again." It was in late 2014, when he altogether started to avoid me. 

Though he acted like an idiot sometimes, he was my first love, and I missed him terribly. 

It was high time in my life too. My parents were forcing me for marriage and I could not move on.

I decided to pursue my career, so finally, I left that city. It was the best decision I made. 

He contacted me again, but I knew it would be the same. So, I tried to move on. Though I did not move on, but getting a new job was a breath of fresh air in my life. He blocked me on Facebook and WhatsApp, in the fear that I would contact him. 

Long after, we met in a coffee shop with another person giving us company, she was a bit elder to us. He called her bhabhi. She revealed to me that he wanted to marry a girl. He tried to pursue his parents, but they rejected her. I re-winded those words and replayed them in my mind. The person who, for eight long years, kept a girl in the dark saying she was just his friend and that he didn't believe in true love wanted to get married! He never allowed her to move on, always came back to hurt her more and more; He met a girl, whom he wanted to marry. I could not digest those words in my head. He was talking to her while I was still in contact with him. He never mentioned to any of his friends, any of his activities. If I look back, it was me who believed him and left all my possibilities, everything I loved; but he, he met new girls, kept me hanging, he shaped his career, started his business.

On the other hand, I never thought about anything but him. I never focussed on my career either. I rejected all the matches and made my parents sad. Everything was clear after that meeting, and that was it for me.

My first love was so complicated that I stopped believing in all good things.

Even after moving on completely, I could not erase him from my head. Till today flashes of those sweet and sour memories come and go. Again my quest for that peace-giving love failed. I tried to find solace in his friendship. Instead, he took away all my peace and the most precious years of my life.

Then, I met my husband. We were colleagues. He always showed interest in me. Universe has a strange way to pair you up. When you come across your soulmate, maybe you get to know. 

Whenever we came face to face, my heartbeat used to rise uncontrollably; I used to get clumsy around him. He would avoid eye contact with me. We eventually spoke to each other after one year of hide and seek. We dated for 6 months and decided to marry instantly. Our marriage took place in an auspicious location. All my family was present, except for his family members. We don't belong to the same community, so from his side, it was a no. Yet we managed to live our lives separately from his family. Eventually, everything went smoothly, and all those people who did not agree in the beginning accepted us. My husband left his parents so that we could start our new life as our marriage was not accepted then. We had to step out. Till today he has that feeling of leaving his parents, I tried my best to make him joyful. We have had our differences regarding this. 

In our marriage, we mostly fought because of this issue. After my child's birth, our bond strengthened, but I feel I lost that guy, that shine in his eyes back then when we were dating, the guy who fought the world for me. 

He is a happy father now, a happy son, but I doubt if he is a happy husband. I have always given my hundred percent in every relationship in my life. 

As a single child, I was an attention seeker and needed pampering, but then even I played my part. He was a decent guy, he worked hard for me and my kid, he took care of his parents, but the love in our marriage has transformed into worry, hardship, responsibility. We no more sit and talk much. Whenever he gets free time, he is on his phone. He is a mild speaker, but sometimes he doesn't even realize I am in the same house except for our kid's presence. He ultimately reminds me of my mother now. It fears me sometimes, what if my child has to see the same childhood as I did? What would happen to me after my father? Who would care if I am hurt?

I don't know when my quest for acceptance, belonging, and a secured love will end. All I wish is, my kid should never face the same fear as I did throughout my life.

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