I Did Not Learn To Love Myself Until I Had To Do The Impossible: I Had To Start Staying Away From Him

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I had ended my first relationship a few months back. All I wanted at this point in time of my life was to live my life as happily as I had done earlier on. I wanted to enjoy my life and have my share of fun as well. I was still trying to get over everything when Nishant came into my life. All the girls in our college thought he was a great guy.

One fine day, we just happened to meet. We had a formal conversation after which he texted me. We slowly started enjoying each other’s company. After a while, Nishant told me that he liked me. I was not yet ready for another relationship.

I wanted to enjoy my life. So I did not pay much attention to his words and moved on with my life.

We still kept in touch and talked to each other once in a while. Slowly, I  realized that I had started feeling for him. So I gathered my courage and told him that I too had started liking him.

I knew that unlike my ex-boyfriend, Nishant was a genuine person.

But he was very particular about many things. Our thoughts and our views towards life were very different. He had a very narrow mind and was very possessive about me.

But I loved him and looked forward to spending my time with him. I also loved the way he treated me.

I had not yet told Nishant about my first relationship. He would often ask me if I had been in a relationship before. I would just avoid his questions and give him evasive answers. I knew he would not like it if I told him about it.

I had developed a strong connection with him and I was scared of losing him.

One night, almost a year later, he again asked me if I had been in any other relationship before this. I confessed that I had been in a relationship before meeting him. I also told him that it had not lasted for a long time.

When he heard this, he was really shattered. He had not expected this at all. And from then on, I started seeing another side of Nishant. I never knew he could be so rude too. He would call me every night and ask me to tell him all the details of my earlier relationship. He continued to torture me like this. He would make me cry all through the day and night.

I could sense his frustration and pain. So regardless of what he did to me, I decided to stand by him. I felt guilty for giving so much pain to a good person like him. That phase was hell for both of us. He wasn’t ready to leave me and I just couldn’t leave him. We shared a really strong relationship with each other now.

Years passed. I cried myself to sleep every night. He continued to suffer as well. He was emotionally devastated. He was not experiencing any growth professionally too.

He blamed me for all his problems. Yet I stood by him because I loved him.

I knew I could never be able to gauge the depth of his pain. But I was very clear about one thing. I was determined to shower him with all my love.

I wanted to cleanse his wounds with my love. So I held on to our relationship and continued to love him even when he hurt me with his rude words.

Time healed everything. Our relationship became smooth sailing over a period of time. He was not too keen to discuss my past now. And he stopped hurting me with his words too.

Both of us were now in a peaceful space.

I knew that all relationships had their fair share of problems and things were not always smooth sailing for anyone.

He had secured a sacred place in my heart by now. I looked upon him with love. Sometimes I almost worshipped him.

But I had changed as a person too. I had always been a very broad-minded and bubbly girl. I had lots of friends earlier. But now my word revolved only around this one guy, Nishant.

I did not like his possessive nature. I would often argue with him and tell him that possessiveness stemmed from insecurity and not from love. But he could never understand that.

We now started living in different cities and so had to share a long distance relationship. Now, it was my turn to become possessive about him. Earlier, when I was with him, I gave him all the freedom that he wanted. But now, since I was living far away from him, I would often feel insecure about myself. Once, I clearly told him that I was not willing to give him that kind of freedom now.

He didn’t take my words seriously. Maybe at that time, he did not know my value.

I realized that he had started flirting with several girls now. Whenever we discussed this, he would dismiss my fears in a casual manner. He said, “I am just flirting with them.” I would then tell him that I didn’t like what he was doing. He would then say, “You were OK with this earlier. So how can you change now?” The biggest question that he had at this time was – “How do I reject girls who are interested in me?” I could not answer his question. So we continued to argue over this matter. We stopped talking with each other frequently now. In fact, we spoke to each other only once in two or three months now.

It was during this time that I started suffering from depression. I would plead with him and tell him to stop flirting with other girls. But he would shout at me and say, “You really have a problem with this. Deal with your problem first and then get back to me.”

But we made it a point to meet whenever I went to his place. We would then have a good time with each other. We still shared a great relationship. I would often come down specifically to meet him. Once he did not show up at the decided time. He told me that he was busy with his family. He said they were planning to go out for a trip. It was only later on that I came to know that one of his girlfriends too had accompanied him on his family trip.

It was becoming increasingly difficult for me to hang on to our relationship.

Whenever I talked about ending it, he would always point out that he too had been through the same kind of pain when I had told him about my ex-boyfriend. He would ask me why I was having a problem with his behaviour now.

Despite all these differences, we always had a great time whenever we met. We did argue when we met but still we would always clear things between us and then spend our time happily together.

Deep down in our hearts, both of us knew that we could not live without each other. We were habituated to each other.

But now, I decided to stand up for myself. I believed that my life was not just about him. He was a part of my life - a very important part. But I also knew that he had become more important than me in my own life.

I have not cut him out of my life. I still love him. We still meet. We continue to have a great time. But he feels I no longer love him madly like I used to earlier. He says he can sense the distance building up between us. What he says is quite true.

I am not madly in love with him like I was earlier. But love is love. I am no longer madly in love with him because he did hurt me by disrespecting my feelings. 

The past is past now and life has to go on. Now, he does his best to find time for me despite leading a busy life. But I would have valued his efforts more at that time when I really needed his support.

I have learnt to take a stand for myself now. Everything else is secondary now – my needs come first. I still love him. I know it will be difficult for him to live without me and it is the same with me too.

So, we will hold our hands together and move ahead in our lives. We will lead two distinct lives yet we will always be there together until the end of our lives.

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