I am broken from deep within. I resorted to penning this down because I did not want to confess this to my friends, because of the fear of judgment that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I was brought up in a very conservative and traditional way. My focus was only on academics and extracurricular activities, in all these 20 years of my existence. Because of this, I managed to get into one of the most reputed engineering institutes in India. I would call myself a ‘nice girl’, and I mean it.

I am not like other typical girls, who just want a boyfriend to hang out with, and who would spend all their money on them. I consider myself outdated in terms of my thinking.

I have always found the concept of one mate for a lifetime, beautiful and fascinating. As I hit 20, like any other female of my age, I also needed emotional support from the opposite gender. I became aware of the concept of online dating and concluded that I should give this a shot, considering the fact that I am an introvert.

I met this guy on a dating website, and he was a smooth conversationalist. A lot of things emotionally matched between us. We texted each other day in and day out.

I made it clear to him that I was looking for something serious. At the same time, I made sure that I stayed away from him and did not get attached, too soon. But two weeks down the line, in one of our emotionally intense conversations, he confessed his feelings for me. I got overwhelmed by this, and as it was my first time, I said yes without giving it a second thought. Things went well for a few days, and then he started changing. He was able to sense that I was quite serious already, and he just wanted a namesake girlfriend for casual purposes. He rarely texted me and this made me confront him. He apologized for the same. And again, I restored my faith in him. By then, I had become overly attached to him, even emotionally. Again, he showed me his true colours by being casual with the entire thing. I never wanted him to give me his full attention or send me surprise gifts or anything.

All I wanted him to do was acknowledge my existence in this World. This led to our breakup.

Up until then, I was thinking that he was seriously into it as well and that it was my mistake of choking the relationship to a great extent. I asked him to give us a chance again, and he simply said no. This brought a lot of doubts in my mind about him. I wanted to know his true intentions.

Out of desperation, I created a fake account on the same dating website, and messaged him. I slowly dragged the conversation by making him narrate his experiences about his previous relationships. I was surprised by three facts.

First, he didn’t mention anything about me, and this made me feel like s**t because maybe, I was not even a part of his memory. Second, he had many past relationships that he had hidden from me. Third, he was looking for casual relationships which involved hookups and hanging out. Revealing my identity to him at that point in time, during the conversation, gave me the kind of sadistic pleasure that I have never experienced before. Basically, I wanted to give him a mindf**k - his mask had been off, in front of me. I wanted to give him back a piece of the s**t, he had given me.

And here I am, at the deep end of the emotional drain. Yes, I made a mistake, but I will never repeat it again.

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