How It Is To Feel Like A Powerless Woman With All The Freedom
I have been controlled. I have been dictated. I have been told to do things a certain way. But not once was I told to follow my 'calling' and make my own decisions. Not once was I told to dream unapologetically and chase them till they turn into reality. But I was told, I was dictated, I was controlled; by my parents, my sister, my brother, my grandparents, my relatives, and the unforgiving society.
Yes, you guessed it right, I am the daughter of a middle class Indian family.
They told me I had to get up early in the morning because only then could I be a successful person. They told me to eat healthy food and that too of a certain type, or else I would feel guilty later. They told me to wear decent clothes or else I will be shamed upon. But they never told me that I can paint with any color I like and mold my dreams in any shape I want. But they did tell me to eat, sleep, work and repeat. They were right and I don’t doubt that, because who else would teach me what is the right thing from wrong.
But their method of controlling me in every aspect of my life and my fate also ended up working in their favor.
As a kid, whenever I took my own decisions, I regretted them so then why wouldn't I follow what they told me. So they reciprocated by tightening their grip on the remote, and even though I am twenty-five years of age now, they still control me and expect me to do things their way. I am not complaining about my lack of freedom because that’s against the rules, and that would develop guilt in me.
But what do I do about the other feelings bundling up inside me, inevitably threatening to overflow someday? Above all, I feel powerless, like I have completely lost my decision-making ability. How do I function as an adult woman without that in today’s world?
My family and society got me well-educated but they clipped my wings. I feel like a bird who is too broken to fly.
Why else would I be sitting here on a Tuesday afternoon, pondering upon the fact that I don’t have any aim or purpose to fulfill in life? Why else, would I be thinking that even though I have graduated from IIT, I don't have any substantial career goals to achieve? I don't blame them, but I blame myself for not taking the right steps earlier on in life.
I wouldn’t be here today, regretting the course my life has taken, had I for once considered the workings of the outside world, had I introspected and intervened at the right time.